Ear-Marked Recollection-Page.

Cutting the cord…

When I remember the talk that my Parents and I had about school and how excited I was at the thought of kindergarten, I recall that the true depth of it all was far-under my radar, until it was much too late.

I remember our walk that morning; as an ignorant bounce filled my step.
My Mother and I held hands the entire way down the alley in back of our house that led to a corner that led to another corner that would lead us THERE.
Her grip was a little tighter than usual, but at the time I paid it no mind.

We made it there in what seemed like seconds.

Sheathed in the thick dark shadow that brick structure of school cast, stood mostly strangers, smiling hand in hand with their moms.

I remember thinking that this was going to be like the zoo or park.

All the mothers escorted their children to their classrooms.
As we entered the doorway I let go of my moms hand and sped off; leaving her in the dust of my curiosity to get a closer look at all of the toys on the shelves and colorful pictures on the walls.
When I finally turned to look at her, Mom smiled, waved and mouthed goodbye…but I; being too pre-occupied, only half-echoed the word that I’d soon learn the severity of.

While taking everything in, wondering what we were going to play and wondering where my Mother was going to sit, I glanced out of the window and saw her…outside…
Walking away
Growing farther away,
Heading toward the corner, that
Lead to another, that
Lead to the alley, that
Lead to our house, but
She was heading there
Without
Me

I felt like I was going to throw up
I told the teacher out loud that I HAD TO
I ran to the bathroom where
Breakfast: Peanut Butter Captain Crunch, swirled and sucked down the toilet, drenched in mockery

As I walked back into class, a leper
An exile
Pariah
I unconsciously answered the question of “Did you?”
And when they laughed…I remember wishing I had never been born.

That day seemed like a dozen, though an eye-blink when finally I saw her,
MOM!
I was thrilled
Though I wanted to run up to her, throw my arms around her and never let go,
I couldn’t forget how pissed I was that she left me me there
The entire walk home, I dragged in defiance; angered limbs, new academic legs, heavier, more-intelligent feet.

~

We talked that night; my parents and I, and I told them that I regurgitated and how everyone laughed at me. I told them how alone I felt in that classroom full of people my age and how small I felt and how scared I was when Mom left. And I told them that I cried when I thought no one was looking.
But they were…
Looking,
They ALL were.

My Parents, in their kind way explained to me how way-back-when they felt exactly the same
And
If I looked closely,
I’d discover that all the other kids around me
Also
Felt same.
They explained that I,
I
Could be the one to stand above,
I
Could be the one to comfort the others
And how
If I did,
It would make me feel better.
And you know,
That prospect of helping,
Guiding,
Of being the one to reach out,
Of not laughing and
Maybe, ultimately being looked up-to as a leader
Comforted me greatly as I feel asleep that night.

It was all grand in-dream!
…But when morning arose and the realization that school awaited my return; I broke down.
I sobbed and kicked and screamed, and sobbed and pleaded and kicked and screamed and did all that I could to avoid it.
But it didn’t work.

…In that haze of tunnel-vision, there are two things I’m most ashamed of:
One
I never took my parents advice and stood up to be the one to extend the hand, to guide and lead.
Two
I was never at all conscious of my Mothers feelings and how devastatingly horrible that must have been for her to have to drag me back to that school and walk away, listening to me sobbing and kicking and screaming and sobbing and pleading and kicking and screaming every single one of those days that followed.
And THAT kills me, still, to this day.

Ear-Marked Recollection-Page.

markgb

Niagara Falls, New York, United States

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