Starting over...

… January 2011 saw me make a few resolutions, and in that time honoured tradition they were all forgotton by the time February rolled around. I’m not making that mistake again this time.

2011 has been both the best and the worst year. In March, I married my soulmate. We argue all the time, we dislike each other friends, work schedules keep up apart most of the time so there’s very little ‘us’ time, but we’re madly in love. I love looking down and seeing my gorgeous wedding ring on my finger, and remembering our fabulous day. However, March also saw me dislocate my knee for the first time. I’ve since dislocated it another 2 times, and still can’t straighten my leg or walk downstairs without pain. But I’m finally off my crutches, so that’s good!

We had two amazing holidays this year: Estepona in Spain, and Paris, France. I went to a great festival with even greater friends. My daughter started secondary school, learned to do her own washing and make a decent cup of tea. I fell out with my best friend, and made up again so we’re even closer than before. I started my own business, made some wonderful contacts and was surrounded by the most inspiring and supportive people I’ve ever met.

But how I’m ending 2011 is probably how I’ll remember it most: Mental illness. I suffer severe depression, and have done since I was 15. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder when I was in my early 20’s, after taking an overdose; an impulsive and reckless attempt at suicide. I’ve been off medication and out of the care of the mental health team for almost 2 years. Until now. And this is how I’ll start 2012: scared, sad, empty, lonely, feeling worthless and lost. I can look back on everything I’ve listed and know that this has been one of the most amazing years of my whole life, and feel numb to it all. I can end text messages to friends with ‘lol’ and ‘:-)’ but not feel either. Going through the motions gets me through the day. So what matters is how I end 2012.

I will get better. I will take therapy sessions seriously and stick with it. I will take my meds every day, and try to keep active and embrace all the things I know I love (when I can feel love). I’ll start my sketch a day project all over again and do ‘something’ every day, whether it’s in my sketch book, on paper napkins or online. No matter what, I will do something creative every single day of 2012. Because that will give me a reason to get out of bed. It will give me a way to find a release. It will give me the structure I need to cling on to. And if nothing else, it’ll give me something to laugh at in years to come when I can look back on it all and see how bad it all is!

Here’s to 2012 – may it leave me a fuller person that it finds me :-)

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