My sun Goddess

She was in the backyard, a sun Goddess granting her light and warmth to our trees, and I watched her every move from the bathroom window, ready to duck behind the pink and yellow flowered curtains at any second. I wondered why I had even attempted to grow my nails out as I bit them off one by one, the taste of nail strengthener bitter on my tongue.

The fresh green of our summer grass was nearly the same shade as her sundress. Her face, tan and highlighted by those few fine lines that I adored, was turned upwards toward the sky, her eyes scanning the clouds as though she were planning to purchase one. My Mother had explained her future plans for an archway and now they discussed the impending storm that was suppose to arrive but so far showed no signs of doing so.

What made this woman different from the other women my Mother had worked with, I thought, with my feet pressed firmly against the cold inside of the bathtub. How was she any different than all the others who had become my Mother’s best friend for little more than a couple of seasons, always ending up in another department or replaced by another woman my Mother had found to shop and gossip with during lunch hour? I didn’t want to admit it but I knew what made her different: her beauty and her charm. Those women couldn’t hold a candle to her, and they all had treated me as though I were still eight years old. She was different, she saw me. I desperately wanted to join them, to see her eyes look kindly at me and bask in her radiant smile when she saw me, but I couldn’t. The feelings I felt when I looked at her made me feel transparent, as though she would see them and become disgusted. I couldn’t risk it right now; I had to wait until I was better under control.

My eyes never left her as she began walking among the trees, my sun Goddess unknowing of the watchful gaze of her peasant follower. I had heard her say, “Sometimes the things we don’t see coming are the strongest”. She had been referring to the impending storm but I felt as though she was speaking about me. She was right, sometimes the things you didn’t see coming were the strongest, sometimes they knocked you off your feet and you tried to understand what they were and where they came from. All you could do was take in the moment while it was happening, not question it. That was how my feelings for her made me feel. She glanced back toward the house and I hid behind the curtains, praying that she had not seen me. Some things were not ready to be seen, but one day they would be, I thought, as I heard the first few drops of rain start hitting the window.

My sun Goddess

lotusgarden

Joined January 2008

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