Every time I disappear

Photographic Prints

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$15.68
Heather King

Ottawa, Canada

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Sizing Information

Small 8.0" x 12.0"
Medium 12.0" x 18.0"
Large 16.0" x 24.0"
X large 20.0" x 30.0"

Features

  • Superior quality silver halide prints
  • Archival quality Kodak Endura paper
  • Lustre: Professional photo paper with a fine grain pebble texture
  • Metallic: Glossy finish and metallic appearance to create images with exceptional visual interest and depth

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Artist's Description

Sometimes I am unable to speak and the only way I know how to is through my photography and art. I have ‘come clean’ over the years through my art with several of my afflictions; anxiety, borderline personality disorder, lyme disease, ptsd.
This one, this one is probably the most difficult one to ‘talk about’ and it is something I have kept hidden from so many for my entire life.

I am terrified of men. People often mistake my ‘fear’ for other things, in which I can assure you it’s not. I don’t hate men, I am truly scared of them. It matters not the age or race. Men closest to my age or those that have an interest in me, are the ones I’m terrified of the most. Sitting on a bus and having a man sit next to me is an inward anxiety attack of such profound fear that it feels like an elephant is standing on my chest or that my heart may explode from beating too hard too fast.
It’s nothing personal.

I put on my happy face and I give it my best, you will perceive me as shy, quiet or in pain…but what everyone doesn’t realize is every second this is happening inside I feel myself disappearing from reality and mentally/emotionally/spiritually running away from the situation, counting down the seconds where I can return home and lock my door and be safe.

In the past I have tried very hard to have ‘coffee’ with my male friends. I couldn’t last 20 minutes, I thought I was going to die. I no longer recognized who was in front of me, and so many faces blended into one.
Not so long ago I had a dear friend come over to help Trinity and myself, the entire time I am reliving every form of abuse that has happened to me from men (including my blood line as well) whether it be mental, emotional, physical or sexual. I become frozen. Frozen in fear. I can barely speak.
How does one begin to describe ’it’s not you, it’s me, you’ve done nothing wrong but your kindness is literally terrifying the heck out of me’?
Without bringing up horrific personal experiences what can I say? What can I do? How do I approach this subject? What can I say to my male friends so they know it’s not them?

I was really proud of myself as I took a ride with an online acquaintance many months ago to photograph eagles and owls and it was heaven on earth. He brought his son and little did he know that made me so comfortable and I could be my normal and natural self. But had he not have had his son come with us, I honestly don’t think I could have gone, even for the sake of OWLS. What does that tell you? He is a wonderful human being and the best dad I had ever met.

Last year I spent time with someone who I platonically dated a decade ago.
We shared 11 days of bliss, romance and fun. My doctors met him, as did my friends. Those 11 days were better than any movie. I was told I was ‘beaming’ and ‘glowing’ and ‘so happy’. After he returned home, he came back to visit me 40 days later. I recognized his voice, but not his face. I had blocked out everything sweet and romantic that happened. It was very alarming and terrifying for me to not remember what everyone else did. For the first few days of his return I sat fetal position in the corner telling him not to look at me or touch me. I WAS TERRIFIED. I felt like I date raped drugged myself because I had NO recollection of everything wonderful beautiful and amazing that he (and everyone else) remembered.
It’s not an excuse or an easy way out, I literally could not remember those 11 days of bliss from 40 days ago. This pure sweet soul gave me his heart and apparently I gave him mine, but all those memories captured on audio and video were gone. I didn’t recognize me.

I know I could lose a lot of near and dear people to me by speaking of this but I know not what else to do.
Instead of judging, please just ask yourself or think “what must have happened to her to make her this way” instead of placing labels or judgements.

I am truly sorry for anyone that I have hurt in my life unintentionally.
I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

Thankfully I spent a few days with this fellow not too long ago I was terrified out of my mind to let him visit me and even though I don’t remember those 11 days, he forgave me, he understands.

Self portrait 2015
edited in Corel X6 and photoscape

P.S. Best case scenario, put me in a field with an owl and a camera my safe zone where I am strongest, happiest and feel the most free and we will be just fine♥

Artwork Comments

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