supposed to be my apology


so i’m writing you a letter. another one. but i guess that just like all the others you’ll never read it.

there’s so much stuff i want to say to you but none of it could possibly be enough. it’s all just words. words that can never undo what i did or how bad i feel about it. what i want most is for you to forgive me, knowing full well that i don’t deserve it. you are straigt up the number one most awesome guy i’ve ever met and i want to be with you so bad it hurts. i don’t know why i’d want to throw it all back in your face like that. well i was pretty cut that you’d bailed on seeing me two nights in a row and had been distant with me since. i hate the way you do that. it hurts. and i was drunk but no way in hell is that any excuse. i chose to drink. and i chose to kiss those boys. even though i didn’t want them. i just wanted the attention. i wanted to be touched. but now i just feel sick.

i don’t even know why i told you about it. i guess that’s jut the way i am. brutally honest. i suppose i was trying to make you jealous but i didn’t really think it through. i wanted to remind you that you’re not the only one who’ll have me so if you want me you’d better make the effort. but i guess despite everything that you’ve said you don’t want to because i’m leaving. and i guess that’s fair enough but tell me how things could be different. i was already leaving before we met an honestly, it’s not like we have the worlds most fantastic rock solid relationship for me to stay for. you’re definitely the one that i want but there’s more to it than that. i can’t throw away my dream because of the small steps we’ve taken.

we must have the strangest relationship ever. i used to wonder if you actually liked me or if you were just looking to get some, but i guess that if you’re still here after all this time you must be looking for something more than just a quick fuck. but since you’re acting like this it makes me wonder why did you start anything with me in the first place? or did you expect me to stay?

really the thing that scares me most is the prospect of losing your friendship. that would be the hardest thing to bare. in the back of my mind i’ve always known that our romantic relationship would end right about now, but i’ve been unable to stop myself dreaming that if we can at least stay friends while i’m studying then maybe we could try again after. but i don’t think you want to wait that long. the problem is that you’re so much older than me. you’ll be 27 by the time i’m ready to even think about settling down. and what will you do for those 3 years?

i don’t care at all that you’re agrophobic or that you can’t drive or that you don’t have a job. you’re a good person and that’s all that matters to me. it’s those things that make you who you are. i know you have your demons but god doesn’t everyone and i’m happy to be there for you no matter what. i just hope i didn’t throw that all away in one go.

i love the way you don’t buy into my melodrama or make comments about the way i talk. you’re so down to earth and approximately fifty billion times emotionally smarter than me. my take on everything is a bit bizzare and you ground me. i don’t want to lose the way you make me feel.

it’s insane the way we just clicked straight away. i’ve never been as close to someone as i am to you. it just feels right. but you know, the one moment when i realised that i was in deep, was the first time we kissed. we’d been sitting next to each other on your couch for ages but both to nervous to make the first move. then finally you held my hand for the first time and kissed me. but you stopped kissing me to change the song we were listening to! that was it. that was when i knew. i don’t think anyone else could understand. not even you, probably. but it meant so much to me.

i really like that we took things slow. i know you would have preferred it if we had been more physical and who knows, maybe if we had things would have been different. but you respected my feelings and held yourself back, even though it was hard for you? is that what’s made you keep your distance? because you don’t want to hurt me? you’re hurting me anyway.

this was supposed to be my apology but it turned out not the way i had expected.

supposed to be my apology


Gold Coast, Australia

  • Artist
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Artist's Description

a letter that i wrote to my boy (not my boyfriend, just my boy) after i fucked up and kissed someone else on new years eve

he hasn’t read it

Artwork Comments

  • kossimarsalsa
  • lennylennylenny
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