Abusive Love (part 1)

It was a long train of continuous abuses. Late nights with no calls, smelling like an exgirlfriend, the “She’s Just a Friend” excuse, cigarettes under the pillow when he said he quit, dubbies left at the bottom of the trash can like you wouldn’t notice, some girl’s underwear in your dresser drawer, a phone bill sky high to someone on the other side of town, yelling, screaming, something with a beer bottle, a dribble of blood on your chin.
He comes home late one night, just barely drunk, not enough for you to notice until it’s too late. You want to ask where he’s been,you’re pissed, why he hasn’t called, but you think it would be just another excuse, another waste of time. You begin to feel pathetic.
“How was your day?”, you ask trying not to think about it.
“What’s that ’posed ta mean?”
“Nothing, I was just wondering how your day went.” You see anger in his eyes, “I missed you today” The excuse worked last week, well he only threw one bottle instead of all three that he had in his hand. It hurts that you can love him so much, work so hard to try and make him happy, and he can’t even pretend to feel half of what you feel.
You walk up and put your arms around his waist, lay your head on his back and take a deep breath. He smells of booze and smoke, but atleast he doesn’t reek of some other girl. These are the moments you cherish. You can truly love hime because he isn’t messing up. So you take another deep breath and relax.
“What’re ya doin’?” he says, “Takin’ a nap?”
“Mmhhm,” you mutter as a yes.
“No, nuh, come on! I came home to spend a lil’ time with ya and ya go an’ fall sleep?”
Oh crap.
“No, I wasn’t! Just hugging you because I missed you so much!”
“Yeah.” He shrugs you away, but you’re almost sad that he left because you really did miss him today. There really was no lie in that answer and the fact of it almost makes you cry. How pathetic?
He stagars into the bedroom and you curl up on the couch, scared to follow him. It’s so hard to understand him when he gets like this because you love him and want to make him happy but every bone in your body is telling you to get away. A quiet tear falls for your pain but you quickly wipe it away.
“You comin’?” he asks.
“No, I’m going to watch some TV then I’ll be in.” hoping he can cool off before you get there. You try very hard to push all thoughts of him away, he’s slowly killing you inside and you feel powerless to stop him. How can it be that you love him so much and yet you feel the need to run when he comes home at night? How is it that you miss him so much but then you feel the need to push him away?
The apartment goes silent except the noises from outside. You begin to think that he’s gone to sleep, and a small part of you is sad that he didn’t come out to atleast watch TV with you. But before you can reach the remote to turn off the TV, he’s up behind you kissing your neck.
And you melt away into happiness.

Abusive Love (part 1)

Katie Trzcinka

Conowingo, United States

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