the horrible boring life of a fairy

Everybody knows the story of the 12 dancing princesses: there were 12 princesses and every morning the king found their dancing slippers with holes so, to satisfy his curiosity, he wanted to give one of his daughters to get married to who ever could find out why and where they danced (I guess that he didn’t care about them much). Well, anyway, this soldier dude went to go find out why they danced and he met an old lady who told him not to drink anything that they give him and she gave him a cloak of invisibility and he was able to find out where they dance and he got to marry one of the daughters and became king. The End.
No, not the end. You may not have noticed a minor character. The little old lady. She seriously is old. She’s 800 years old. Do you want to know how I know? I’m that old lady. My name is Emma and I am a fairy. Every time people read fairytales, emphasis on fairy, they skip my part. Hellllllllo!!!! I am the most important part in the story. How do you think that Cinderella had the mice that her fairy godmother turned into horses? I gave them to her. My cousin, Anita, is her fairy godmother so she got the good part, but everything was my idea. And who was the one who saved sleeping whatever’s life? Me! And how about Snow White? Who told the prince where to look to find his true love with the iddy-biddy piece of apple stuck in her throat? It wasn’t me who turned the dude into the beast, but I did invent the magic mirror. I mean seriously, I am in every single fairy tale and no one remembers me! In the 12 dancing princesses, I was the most important character. And the bad thing is, I don’t even look my age. I can be passed as an 18 year old. I was sitting in front of my house because the fairy queen, Leila, said that I had to help the next person that came my way. So I saw this guy walking up the road and I said, “Hey buddy, whatcha’ doin’?” “I am going to the castle to see if I can find out why the princesses dance so much,” was his reply. “They want to that’s why,” I mumbled under my breath. Why can’t people just leave dancing princesses alone? I knew the answer but I wanted to see if the nosey guy was smart enough to figure it out himself. So I gave him the cloak of invisibility. I didn’t even know if it worked. Then I said, “Don’t drink anything that they give you. It will make you sleep.” Then he left. But all that was over two months ago and know I am having a problem. In the fairy law, rule 2483 clearly states that if a fairy gives someone a gift and they don’t come back and say thank you, then you’ll have to punish them. And I have spent the last month and a half trying to think of the perfect punishment. I have thought about having snakes, bugs and toads come out of his mouth, but that didn’t work to well last time. Sometimes, being a fairy stinks. So here I am now, sitting at the kitchen table doing nothing but think. I have no good ideas. I can’t think of anything. Hey, why don’t I call my BFF Rumpelstiltskin? Maybe he’ll give me some ideas. I quickly dialed his number. After the 15th ring, he finally picked up. “Hello?” was the barely audible reply. “Hey Stiltskin, this is Emma. I need some help.” There was screaming in the background. “Ha, you think that you need help! AHHHH, let go of my hair! I need it more that you do! Oww, stop it!!” He was yelling in the phone. “You come and help me and then we can talk!” He hung up fast. Great, I thought, I hope that he thanks me. I dragged myself outside and stretched my wings. They had dumb sparkly things on them and the sun reflected off one, blinding me. I put on my awesome fairy sunglasses and effortlessly lifted my self off the ground and flew to his house. I heard screaming before I saw the house. He lived in the middle of a forest so his surroundings are usually quiet. I opened the door and peered inside. There were little kids everywhere. One was on the table dancing and singing loudly. There was a couple sitting on top of the bookshelf. Some more were running around going crazy and Stiltskin had several on his back, more holding on his legs, a group on his arms, and some pulling his hair. When he saw he, he gave a sigh of relief. I flew to the middle of the room and, using my fairy powers, transported all the kids to their beds and made them sleep. Immediately, there was a peaceful silence. “Wow, I should call you more often. Thanks.” We sat down on the table. There were footprints everywhere. “Nice kids,” I said nodding. “They seem like a peaceful bunch. I am so glad I am not you.” “Yah, yah.” He looked at me like I was crazy. “So what do you need help with?” I told him the whole story and ended with, “And I can’t think of a good punishment. Do you have any ideas?” He sat there for what seemed like hours. I could see every muscle on his face was tensed and he looked like he hadn’t slept in days. He’s as old as me, but he’s not a fairy. He is an elf. He usually looked like he was in his late hundreds, but now he looked like he was going to die if he saw one more kid. Don’t get me wrong though; he loves kids. Until recently. He’s not a mean guy that goes and steals kids just for fun. No, he was cursed when he found a gnome wandering in the forest around his house. He took the guy in and fed him and in return he gave him a “gift” that he had to steal kids if their parents can’t guess his name. “I can’t think of one thing. Those kids drive me insane. I wish that I could give them back.” That many kids are a punishment in itself. “I have an idea!” I yelled jumping up. “Shhh, I don’t want the brats, I mean cute adorable things to wake up.” He leaned back in his chair when no kid started crying. “K, spit it out.” I told him my plan. “Well,” he said, nodding. “It just might work.” We looked at each other and grinned. The king was in for a huge surprise.

A man rode out to the castle in a peddlers cart. In the seat next to him was a basket covered with a dirty blanket. He drove through the gate in the back of the castle. Once inside the walls, he jumped down. He looked around where he was and grimaced as he realized that he was in the stable. He started walking in any direction. A maid walked up to him from nowhere. He didn’t see where she came from. They stood there in front of each other and stared. “Umm…is….that you…Emma?” The man said. “Yah, o dear, Stiltskin I hardly recognized you.” I laughed. So did Stiltskin. “Mommy?” came a little voice from inside the basket. A little girl’s face peeked out of the basket. When she saw that they were looking at her, she smiled a toothless smile. I noticed that one of her front teeth was growing in. She had brown hair and blue eyes. She was dressed in boys’ clothes. “Stiltskin, why did you dress her like a boy? That outfit is horrible!” I reached in the basket and took her out. Her tiny feet were bare. I cradled her in my arms and she stretched out her stomach and smiled up at me. “Awwww, how adorable.” I whispered to myself. Stiltskin must have heard because he snorted and looked away. “She needs new clothes,” I said. “Yah, well if you have any money you can buy them. I am a poor kid stealer.” Stiltskin crossed his arms on his chest and leaned against a wall. He looked down when he heard a swishy sound. His shoulders slumped when he saw what he was standing in. Hardly glancing at me, he turned and walked to a bucket of water to wash his shoes that were covered in gross horse stuff. Stiltskin must have a hard life. I’d have to make clothes myself. Making clothes with magic was easy. I closed my eyes and imagined what the outfit was going to look like. It was going to be cute; it would be pink with white lace and matching shoes and stockings. Before I opened my eyes, I could feel the difference in the baby. It was heavier. I looked down and the baby was covered more than before but she looked ridiculous. There was more lace than I had anticipated. I started over. Now her outfit looked normal. She was wearing a white dress and stockings. No lace. The dress came down to her ankles, showing her little feet. By the time we were finished, Stiltskin had come back. “Wow, you do a better job than me.” He said appraisingly. She reached out for him to hold her. He gently lifted her out of my hands then tossed her in the air. My stomach lurched and I lunged forward to get her before she fell, but she was already safe in his arms. “Don’t worry,” Stiltskin said smiling at me. “She loves when I do that.” I hadn’t noticed that she was giggling. My fear had intercepted all other thought. My heart was thudding in my chest. I was numb. “Ok, dude, that’s fine if they like it, but don’t do that in front of me, k? I got really scared.” He gave me his dumb grin that said, “I can’t wait to do that again.” He didn’t say that though, he just nodded and said, “We better get going.” He turned around and -started walking. “Hey, Mr. I-Can-Catch-Anything, you’re going the wrong way.” I spoke loudly. He turned on his heels and walked past me saying, “Just checking to make sure you are not tongue tied. We don’t want that to happen when we are talking to the king.” I chuckled and followed. No matter how hard Stiltskin tried to make me mad, he never succeeded.
We walked and walked for what seemed like forever, but it was only seven minutes. That’s the cool thing about being a fairy: I have a clock in my head. We arrived at the throne room doors. There were two guards standing there looking bored. One of them was short and bald. He sort of looked like a bald eagle because his lower jaw jutted out and made it look liked he had a beak. The baldness didn’t help: it actually made him look worse. The other man was tall and had a big, bushy, red beard. He had more hair on his head then any person I have ever seen. Why couldn’t he donate his hair to the eagle guy? Wouldn’t that be nice? “Sorry, you cannot enter in at this juncture lacking a prior arrangement,” the tall man said. “Huh, Larsson?” the short man asked. “Keep your mouth shut Jakc. I’m trying to sound smart,” he whispered back. Larsson looked at him like he had gone nuts, then shrugged his shoulders and started to clean his teeth with the blade of a knife that he was holding. Jack stood straight and tall and tried to look masculine. He wasn’t doing a very good job of it. I looked at him awhile, and then asked, “Larsson, is that your name? I have some advice for you: before you try making a fool of your self in public and with your friends by trying to use weird words that you have no idea what they mean, go to the library and study up on your vocabulary, k? I mean, you sounded like a complete idiot.” By now his face was as red as his beard. “Hey, I need to clean the windows and I had to escort this guy here because he has a gift for the king. I have to get in there.” I walked past him and opened the door. He was to bewildered to stop me. I walked in and ushered Stiltskin in after me. I smiled at Larsson and tossed him a book about words that are hardly used in this language that I had made from thin air. He looked at the cover, read the title and grinned at me. Before I closed the door, I saw him open to the first page and started reading. Now he had something to take up his time. I turned around. The king was half way off his throne and the queen was holding a cat on her lap. No one spoke, moved or (I’m pretty sure) even breathed. They both looked mad, aggravated, tired, and bored all mixed together. I stood there and blinked. Stiltskin was standing there between the king, queen, and me and was trying to look at us all at the same time to know what we were going to do. There was complete silence. “Your highness,” My voice pierced the silence. “We have a gift for you.” I took a step forward and motioned Stiltskin to walk. “Walk, Stiltskin!” I whispered. He glanced at me and cautiously took a step forward. We walked up to the dais. We were right next to them. Yup, he is the same guy I gave the cloak to. I wonder if he still has it. “We have a gift for you.” I answered. “Oh,” King Carlton said, straitening up and leaning back on his throne. “You could have said that earlier. Well, get on with it.” I looked at Stiltskin and smiled. This was going to be easy. I took the baby from his arms and handed her to the king. He grabbed the baby without saying a word. It took him a while to realize what he held. When he did, he said with a surprised look on his face, “What is this?” “It’s a baby.” I said casually. Wasn’t it obvious? He looked like I had just handed him a bomb that would explode in five, four, three, two……… “It’s a magic baby, your highness.” Stiltskin said. “I found it in the woods. I saw it being born, sire.” Legend, has it that magic babies are born from flowers, trees, leaves, petals; anything that is a plant and then who ever finds it will raise it like their own. It will have a series of gifts that it will bestow on the adopted parent. Everyone would like to have a magic baby; it’s like having a dragon or a dryad or a sprite in your house with you. You will be very lucky. “So what do you want me to do with it?” The king gave us a quizzical look. I was just about to say something smart, when Stiltskin quickly said, “Raise it as your own. You will have good luck for the rest of your life.” “Why would I need good luck? I’m a king.” “You will never need to go to war with any kingdom. And if you do, you will always win. Wouldn’t that be nice; your kingdom will never be overthrown.” The king thought awhile. Then he leaned over and said something to his wife who smiled and nodded vigorously. “Ok, we will raise the child. She will be the new heir to the throne if we don’t have any kids. It would be nice to have a queen that had magic powers.” He bounced the baby on his knee and looked at us. “Can you show us what she can do?” “If you push her to do magic then she’ll get mad and you don’t want that to happen. She can be pretty mean some times and you don’t want to make her mad. One time I got her mad and she threw the bookshelf, table, and a chair at me, moving everything with magic. It was really scary.” The little baby looked at me and blew a wet bubble. The queen hid her smile with her fan. I looked at the king and said, “We will leave now. Good luck.” With that we turned around and left. Part one of our plan was done.

King Stephen was planning a banquet for his newborn daughter. He was going to have all the fairies and kings from everywhere around attend the ceremony. I was going to go. Stiltskin isn’t a fairy or a king so he can’t go. It’s too bad though, cause I’m probably going to be bored to death. I have gone to so many ceremonies that they just don’t excite me anymore. They kinda get boring after you attend one every year for the past 700 years. The only thing fun to do is to get cake and start a food fight. All the fairies all gang up on each other and we have so much fun, but that’s the only good thing to do. As long as you don’t hit the baby with cake, then you’re good. Last year, when Princess Isabel of Andonta was born, we flew up to the ceiling and sprayed the guests with soda. After that, we took the cake that no one ate and had a cake fight. My friend Tomas hit Isabel only once. The king got mad and he tried to kick us out but there was like 200 fairies against one king. We won then kept having our food fight. Well, we have for the last century or two.

the horrible boring life of a fairy


Joined May 2008

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