It belonged to both of us

It was cold. Cold and dark. Just like she felt inside. She never would have thought that she could feel this way during the Christmas season. No matter how bitterly cold it had been, she always felt warm. Warm and safe. But that was so distant now.

So many bright lights around her. Some were clear, other ones colorful. Yet, the only thing she was surrounded by was darkness.

Standing in front of a beautifully decorated house, she remembered her last Christmas. It was always her and her mom, always together. They used to call themselves ‘The two musketeers’. She could not recall any important event in her life without her mother by her side. Whether she needed support, encouragement, strength, or simply somebody to share a moment of success with, she was the only person who was always there for her. The only person who never failed her. She was her rock.

‘Some day you are going to have children of your own, angel. You will have to make choices and sacrifices that you would never imagine you’d make for anybody in the world.’ She remembered these words so vividly right now. They were ringing in her ears and burning her heart. She could see her mother’s eyes filled with tears as she was saying them this very moment when they were sitting at the Christmas dinner.
’Don’t worry mom. You taught me well how to be a wonderful parent. I had the best role model anyone could ever wish for. You will have your grandkids come over and talk about me just like I do about you.’

Had she known back then that she would never have the chance to see any of them? Had she been hiding it from her just for the mere purpose of not ruining her Christmas? Had she chosen not to include her in her own pain because her daughter’s happiness was her priority? Are these one of the choices she was talking about? Or did she want her to remember their last Christmas together as if nothing was wrong?

Five months later she was looking into the same eyes. The same, but yet how different. How tired, how dimmed, how lifeless. Mother was not there for her this time. This time it was her turn to repay the favor. Her turn to give her support as she was leaving. Forever…

She remembered how empty and helpless she had felt back then. How angry she was that she couldn’t have done anything to save her rock. Now, she couldn’t help but feel relieved. Relieved that she would never have to look into these eyes again after everything she had done. After all the choices and sacrifices she had made.

She felt so lonely. Surrounded by all the majesty of the Christmas season, all the decorations, all the lights, the carolers’ voices singing “Silent night” in the distance, children laughing as they walked by her. Is that how her mother felt sitting by the table, being the only one carrying her secret? The same secret that had taken her away? Lonely…

Overwhelmed by this feeling, unconsciously she had been looking for any kind of support. Any kind of help, anything or anybody that would take it away from her. That would make her feel as if her rock was still there. She had found it. Looking into his eyes, she felt safe again. He took her under his wings, guided her, gave her strength. She trusted him. Utterly. He completed her.

Now, standing in front of the house, she felt empty. She saw him inside. Him and his significant other. Together, sharing their Christmas dinner, exchanging gifts with the rest of the family. Love and happiness inside, loneliness and betrayal outside. Looking at them, she started crying.
‘Tears’, she thought, ‘Does that mean I am still a human being?’

She was sure that this privilege had been taken away from her the night before. The night she would never forget for the rest of her life. The night she walked into the place in front of which she had been standing so many times yelling that everybody has the right to live. The night when she was given the same hateful, full of disgust and disregard looks she had been giving those who made their choices and sacrifices. The night when she had the power to save a life but she chose to end it.

Selfishness. Hurt. Shame. Hatred. Emptiness.

Lonely. She never felt this lonely in her life. Not even when she lost her rock. But she was not alone. He was in it too. Then why was he inside, and she was outside? Why was his face lighted with a smile and hers with tears? They destroyed her beliefs; they ruined her life; they… him and herself.

It was cold. Cold and dark. Just like she felt inside. She reached out her hand and with trembling fingers rang the doorbell. He heard it. Laughing and joking, he opened the door. He picked up the little white package with his name on it. He opened it. He read the card: “It belonged to both of us” . Then, he saw it.

It belonged to both of us


Joined January 2008

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