there's something in my cornflakes.

number 1 in mister khan’s very competitive ‘did you know’ series.

did you know doctor kellogg, of ‘cornflake’ fame was a ‘rehabilitator of masturbators’ – a passion which was driven, no doubt, by an absolutely healthy and normal childhood. Cornflakes were formulated specifically as a bland but nutritious start to doctor kellogg’s asexual day- kellogg believing that rich, fragrant, sweet fare stimulated the imagination, and ultimately the glands, unnecessarily.

Doctor kellogg did not confine his interest to creating a nutritional solution to the urge to stick your hands down your pants- he dedicated his life to it- the academic fruit of this psychopathic nut being the quite under-rated tome,

‘Treatment for Self-Abuse and Its Effects’

some of the treatment was a little more direct in it’s approach.

“ A remedy for masturbation which is almost always successful in small boys is circumcision. The operation should be performed by a surgeon without administering an anesthetic, as the brief pain attending the operation will have a salutary effect upon the mind, especially if it be connected with the idea of punishment. In females, the author has found the application of pure carbolic acid [phenol] to the clitoris an excellent means of allaying the abnormal excitement.”

not what you’d expect from the man ultimately responsible for those hypnotic kelloggs special ‘k’ adverts with the well fit brunette bird in the red swim suit.

He also recommended, to prevent children from this “solitary vice”, bandaging or tying their hands, covering their genitals with patented cages, sewing the foreskin shut, and electrical shock.

‘crack, snapple and pop’, as they say.

proudly declining the horizontal jog for the entirety of his 41 year marriage, as an example to his race, the seventh day adventist directed his energy to charitable work- the selfless soul took the burden of the helpless upon his shoulders, and raised more than 20 children in his own home- 7 of whom he legally adopted.

i don’t think i’ve ever felt for anybody quite as i do for the forgotten victims of doctor kellogg.

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