Rebuilding

I feel as though I agreed to something that I can’t allow myself to go through with right now. I told you that we could be friends and I said I needed time, but I realized today that I will need even more than that. There are feelings within me that right now, I thought I could tell you. But now I realize that if I told you directly how I felt-no sugarcoating, no nothing-it would probably crush you even more than I feel I could do. I’m too nice to tell you just how much you hurt me, but now that I look back, I still have questions. And I know that the questions will never be answered. I may not be able to ask you about them, and I have to wonder if you would even answer them. You may have gotten everything you wanted out, but what you said wasn’t enough. Words are only words and actions speak louder. And your actions are still so confusing to me. I feel as though you always knew it would never work out. If you really felt that way, where you just waiting for the right time to end it? I just don’t know anymore. I feel everyone around me telling me I’m being too nice-that I’m letting you slide. Well, I’m not. I’m angry with you; I’m hurt. I don’t blame myself anymore because looking back; it was your entire fault. You knew all along, you knew how you felt and since I had no idea, how in the world could it have been my fault? So why was I saying sorry, why was I taking all the blame? I deserve so much more-I destroy myself in order to allow other people to be happy. Being a people pleaser is like an offer to allow you to kill me. I’m giving you the chain and you can jerk me around any way you please. Well, I’m done. I’m done letting people control me, I’m done feeling bad and I’m done not saying how I feel. So I’m letting it all go, and I’m going to stand up for how I feel. I don’t deserve this. I deserve so much more out of life. I don’t know why I allow people to walk all over me, as though I’m just a rug on the floor with a sign “WALK ON ME, I DON’T MIND”. I think the only thing that is saving me is my friends and my ranting. My ranting allows me to express how I feel without exploding right into your face. So keep your excuses, keep your reasons and all your thoughts. You can’t explain what was really running through your mind, so please stop sugarcoating. I know you’re hiding something. I can feel it. I wish you would just tell me the truth. I’m not dumb and I’m not blind. What do you feel when you see me walk away? What do you feel when you look in the mirror? Are you proud of your decision? Your pride will bring you down, it already has. Can you continue to walk with your head held high? Can you look me in the eyes and tell me the truth? I can only imagine what is running through your mind as you read this. Did you really think it was going to be that simple? You just break it off, walk away and then the next day we are as though we never dated? I’m sorry, but it just isn’t that simple. It’s going to be hard work, and a hard struggle. Rebuilding a broken relationship is never easy. I have a right to be angry. It’s not easy to see everything fall around you in a matter of seconds, in the middle of nowhere. It’s like working on a project for hours and then suddenly, its gone. BOOM. No warning, no signs. All of a sudden you look around and you want to cry, you want to scream, but all you can you do is sit there with your mouth hanging open. That’s how I feel. You’ve left me stranded. And while I know that I can pick up, and start over, it’s going to take time and tears will be shed. It’s going to be a pain, and there will be whining, there will be yelling. But in the end, the new project will be even better because I’ll realize my mistakes and fix them.

Rebuilding

johnsonKa21

Joined March 2008

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  • californiagirl
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