Crying Behind the Smile

So here we go again
with all your mixed signals
and all my second thoughts

Someone once told me “Don’t be afriad to try something new.” It caused me to do the bravest thing I’ve ever had to do-open my heart up to you. I knew it was going to cost me, I just never realized how much. Looking back now, I don’t regret opening up to you. At first, after it was all over, I just sat there and cried, wondering how I could have allowed myself to even open up in the first place. I blamed myself so much. Now I see how much we shared and I just wish I could tell you how amazing it was.

I loved when you would be there for me
even though I was so busy I didn’t appreciate it fully.
I loved the way that even though you complained,
you would still be there when I needed you.
I loved the surprises,
even though I complained.
I loved how you said you could dance
and then you finally proved it.
I loved how you would go to things
just for me.
I loved how patient you were
with crazy, insane me.
I loved how you didn’t care
just how random I was.
I loved hanging out with you,
even though I fell asleep sometimes.
Or always.
I loved the text messages
assuring me you there.
I loved the random IM’s
where i would run out and forget
to say good-bye.
You were so understanding
I just don’t understand
At the end of it all
Why was I so confused?
You seemed so amazing
but deep within
you were so unhappy.
How could I not have seen it?

It kills me now, realizing that, even though it would be nice, we could never go back to what we had. I was so naive, and now that I can see, it will never work. You promised me that you weren’t like that, and you weren’t…until the end. Promises mean everything, but once they’re broken, “sorry” means nothing. I can’t forget the things you promised, but I guess I’ll never know if you meant them or not. I wanna talk, but I feel you pushing me away. I see the looks in your friends, as they look away. Is this how it is always going to be?

No one knows just how much I secretly cry; they just can’t tell I’m dying inside. I’ll keep my sadness locked away-I dont’ think anyone should see this. But hidden behind this smile is something you’ll never see. You gave away that right when you broke my heart.

Come up with five things I ever did wrong, cause I wanna know what happened. You keep slinking away from me, but I can’t leave without some answers.

So what do you think will happen when all of this ends? Do you honestly think we can go back to being just friends?

I used to be hurt
then mad
now I’m just confused.

I found my way around
to forgiving you
now I’m just angry at myself
but the decision I made
is to give myself
time to heal,
to move on.
Before allowing myself
to open up again.

Did you ever love me
just for who I was?

It’s all I can do
to keep myself
from blaming you.
So instead
I blame myself.

Only when no one is around can we really fall apart.
Do you think about me when I’m not around?

Don’t wanna leave it all behind
but I get my hopes up
and I watch them fall
wondering why
I even tried.
I feel so crushed.
I feel confused.
I can’t stop this pain
So I gotta express myself
someway.

Crying Behind the Smile

johnsonKa21

Joined March 2008

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Artist's Description

Random thoughts floating around a confused and mixed up mind. It probably won’t make sense, but it does to me.

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  • californiagirl
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