Cosmic Offal

At first nobody noticed the disappearances, and to be honest you couldn’t really blame them. Seeing as how infinity is quite a bit bigger than the biggest thing you could ever possibly imagine, multiplied by infinity (and a bit). Which all in all, makes it quite a book keeping problem for those scientists who study it. Keeping track of infinity was by it’s very definition a bit of a fools game, and just a wee bit beyond the capabilities of a certain secret government under- funded university department. So, nobody noticed the disappearances, because it was a rather difficult thing to notice in the first place, so when they did notice, it came as quite shock. A highly specialised shock that is, as the data came in the form of a number, and the number only meant something to those who had spent decades of their life studying just what such numbers meant. And at that time, in the whole world there was only one such specialist. A person whose understanding of universal meta-physics was as alien to the average person as super string theory, or ideas with names like evolutionary osmosis, or trying to ask yoghurt what it’s favourite band was.

Albert Sperling stared at the printout, his mouth open, drool gathering at the corner of mouth, he had eventually gurgled. Somewhere inside, a rather peculiar set of bio-mechanical reactions, which was in fact Albert, was perceiving the largely un-perceivable and coming to a conclusion if preferred not to. Now Albert, as a scientist with a good scientific sounding name (it matters, it really does, if you want the funding that is, god the worlds a shallow place, as shallow as you might imagine it to be really it is), was not a fool. He knew this thing that he was understanding would be incomprehensible to his peers let alone his gibbonesque(this is a reference to the intellectual abilities of the average government minister- they’re skilled, quick and intelligent, but intellectual…Not!) employers, so he made a sensible if unfortunate choice. Bits of the universe were disappearing, but mostly, it seemed, it was the bits that you couldn’t really see. Bit’s of the universe that were only perceivable on pieces of paper studied by people like Albert. And as people went to work, argued about the phone bills, had sex, or like Albert mostly didn’t, were born, died, invented this years must have gizmo, etc, the universe was effectively, well, going. Albert’s choice was to keep schtum, silent. Keep his mouth closed and hope for the best or until something a bit more obvious disappeared.

In Albert’s rather complex and unique mind he considered the disappearing to be the least of the universes problems. More worrying for a man of his intellect was the rather down to earth question of where was it all going? Unfortunately is a word I have to use now, twice. Unfortunately he found out rather sooner than he had been ready for, because unfortunately the obvious piece of the universe that disappeared next was Albert Sperling.

Unfortunately he found out why, in the stomach of a very big toad. because somewhere behind the net curtains of reality, the Cosmic Toad of Destruction was having a bad dream. An cloyingly uncomfortable dream, but mostly it was left with the impression that it was going to have to stop eating physicists… They gave it what could best be described as wind, well in an intellectual pondering sort of way.

Cosmic Offal


Westcliff One Sea, Southend, United Kingdom

  • Artist

Artist's Description

Douglas Adams would turn in his urn.

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