a little help wi photoshop (the scottish version)

50 things tae help ye wi photyshop

I have recently become an expert oan photyshop an wid like tae help ye understand whit the tools are an how tae use them so ye can dae great processin like me its really a dawdle an even a trained chimp like me can dae it

1. First of aw shootin in the raw is often something ye hear photy folk talking aboot. I canny recommend this method cos I dinny see why ye should huv tae take yer clothes aff tae take photies..especially if yer no very braw like me.

2 after ye huv down loaded a photy make sure that there is something ye can dae tae improve it first theres nae point in spending 5 hours tryin tae improve a self portrait when yer an ugly bugger onyway.

3 first thing folk say is tae look at yer levels..this is very true..if yer chairs squint ye will fall aff

4 then ye need tae huv a histogram…ma wife hud that an wis in hospital for twa months so dinny dae that bit if ye dinny want tae.

5 the eraser tool is awfy handy anaw ma wife says a should erase aw ma stuff cos its shite

6 Saturation is another thing I dinny think ye need, why wid ye want tae stand oot in the pishin rain an take photies an get saturated that’s just daft..stay in the hoose huv a few halfs an wait till the sun comes oot

7 noise can be a big problem ..its easy fixed though ..cut the plug aff yer daughters music system

8 Some folk like vinaigrette oan there photys..i personally like it oan ma salad but really mayonnaise is better

9 resizin yer images is important..av often been critisised for ma resizing ..some folk say they are to big cos ye can actually see them

10 The blur tool is a silly tool anaw..its much more fun tae drink yersel silly and then take photys ..then aw yer stuff will be blured

11 usin layers is a guid idea..it hides aw yer rubbish photys..whit tae dae is put yer best photy oan the top o a pile an hide aw yer shitey yins underneath so naebody can see them

12 using a mask is a crap thing…the only mask ive got is yin o mickey mouse but when I put it oan I couldny see the computer cos the eye holes were in the wrong place for ma heed.

13 the burn tool is a better for the environment..burnin yer photys on a pc is much better than makin a big pile o yer photys an burnin them in yer garden

14 ma magic wand tool doesny work..i borrowed the wifes wand when she wisny lookin an said abracadabra but ma photy wis still shite.

15 the channel mixer disny work either ..i mixed ma channels an got the BBC news

16 The clone tool is a thing I dinny use ma stuffs bad enough withoot seein two o everythin

17 the liquify tool is the best thing oan it…it automatically pops up if yev spent to long oan a photy an suggests ye should huv a few mair swallies

18 the hugh tool is no use cos it doesny give his second name so ye canny phone him ..i assume hugh is good at this and gives gid advice but they huv even spelt his name wrong ..on cs5 they spell it hue

19 salt an pepper filters are only good when ye take photys o fish suppers, ye can add some vinaigrettin while yer at it.

20 the warp brush is only good if ye are oan the starship enterprise

21 there is a thing called content aware..this must be for blind folk in case they dinny see whits in the photy ..av no used it but I think it shouts out..this photy hus got yer granny an a dug in it so the blind person kens whit they are lookin at

22 theres also a thing called puppet warp..whit the fek is that aw aboot ..why any body wid want a warped pinochio in there Photy is beyond me.

23 I dinny use the paint brushes either ma wife does that..whit she canny dae wi a gallon o emulsion isny worth talking aboot

24 theres a thing called ghost removal anaw personally I think if theres ghosts in whaur yer takin photys ye shouldny be there anyway…take the wife wi ye and send her in first if she shits herself dinny go in..or in ma case the ghosts will run oot when ma wife goes in.

25 it does HD stuff anaw well av got a Honda so that’s nae use tae me

26 the healing brush is rubbish I used it oan ma in- growin toe nail an its still sair

27 the lasso tool is great fun..but ma dugs werny very chuffed wi a rope roond there neck an me yellin yahoo

28 I wis usin the width stroke tool but the wife caught me an now I dinny get oan the pc much
29 The gradient tool is guid if ye canny be arsed walkin up hills..just up load yer photy press gradient tool an photyshop makes it look like ye climbed the mountain
30 Theres a pre match tool..this just lets ye huv a last look before ye decide tae burn yer photy
31 There is a featherin tool anaw ..am allergic tae feathers so I just sneezed an made an awfy mess o ma screen
32 Apparantly the cleaner tool is ok but I put it in ma kitchen an the dishes still werny done so its no that good
33 Sneak peak is good if used in conjunction wi the width stroke tool but if ye get caught dinny blame me
34 I tried the shape builder tool tae give me a six pack but that is beyond the impressive power o photyshop..so I just drank a six pack instead
35 There is supposed tae be a bone tool in cs5 flash but I canny find it I think the dugs got there first
36 Spot healing is fine although it should huv been aboot when I wis 14 ..
37 I ment tae say theres a desaturate tool so if ye are daft enough tae go oot in the rain use this…its basically a picture o a coal fire tae make ye feel warm
38 I like the history brush..it makes aw yer stuff interestin an tells ye wee stories aboot yer country,,unless it’s a rubbish country wi nae history no like Scotland
39 If ye like bob Marley use the rasta-rize tool it makes aw yer stuff look Jamaican
40 If ye stare at yer pc for ages ye get sair eyes so adopey have kindly supplied an eye dropper tool
41 I thought I hud won a watch when I found the flatten tool…I thought tae masel eureka there goes ma belly!…but it didny dae bugger all I still look like a fat git
42 Theres also a hand tool …ye dinny want tae get caught at that either
43 If ye huv hunners o pals an want tae invite them roond tae see yer photies use the marquee tool ..this puts a tent up in yer garden an ye can aw sit an see yer photies
44 Adopey huv also kindly put a warming lense effect oan for Scottish folk so they can kid oan its roastin in summer when really its aboot -15
45 I found a wee thingy called a gamut warnin..av no pressed that button yet am feart a wee gremlin jumps oot ma screen an bites ma he haws
46 The curves tool is for skinny folk that should huv ate more pies
47 The balance tool is similar tae how they suss oot drunk drivers in america stan oan yin leg if ye canny type one word without fallin oan yer erse switch aff yer pc an go tae bed
48 Ive thought o a few tools they huvny put in, a rivetin tool..if yer photies lack excitement this would make them better

49 A keich(shite) alert tool, this wid save ye workin oan stuff that’s awfy an unsaveable
50 Lastley theres always the best option the laphroaig tool,, once yev hit that yin the rest are aw pish

hope this helps ye cos its made me become whit I am today..absolutely average!
am awa tae hit the laphroaig tool

a little help wi photoshop (the scottish version)

joak

Grangemouth, United Kingdom

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Artist's Description

just a few wee tips on photyshop, sometimes it gets awfy technical so i thought i wid simplify it!

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photoshop

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