Journal

sorry for no bein aboot an no sayin happy christmas

huvny been oan much cos ma sister in law had a massive brain haemorrhage the day before christmas eve .its touch an go if she makes it she had a 5 hour op that they didny think she would survive but shes still here fightin …but shes no oot the woods yet by a long way so keep yer fingers crossed an i hop tae be oan mair this year huv a belated guid holiday
slainte

a thanks a grovel and a moan at red bub!

firstly can a say a huge big ta tae shiela artwhiz for buyin 5 yes 5 cards o hunter and the hunted!..whit a special person.shes mair scottish than me just aboot!, slainte shiela..noo a grovel, i did ma guid pal jrgarland an injustice when i said he bought a card..he catually bought 8..aye 8 cards o a christmas card for folk ye dinny like!..sorry mate i didny realise!..yer a top man, i also sold a calander o deerhound days but i huvny a clue who bought it!
an this is whaur i start moanin!… in the auld site ye used tae get the folks names next tae yer sales .. not now an that’s pish..also i canny day links tae ma photies ony mare dae you bawheeds at red bub no realise it took me 3 years tae learn that an noo ye change it.. its enough tae make me want tae drink!

A SALE!

av recently made a new friend oan here, he is a gem o a bloke , an no just because he has just bought a card o a christmas card for folk ye dinny like!.. his name is jr garland an he is a top guy who i huv a lot o time for, probably cos we huv both got grey beards! please give him a wee visit an say halo , thanks ma man yer a hero!
av tried tae pit a link on frae the card but its no workin hing oan all try again..this is hopeless wi a swally in ye

features an videos

hud a couple o features inthe last couple o weeks aguid days work wis featured in the inspired art group

also ma auld boy ben wis featured in the phoDOGHraphy group which am really chuffed aboot

an in the same group ma last great hunt photy wis featured so am so chuffed again

thanks a million folks
lastly does anybody ken if ye can pit video clips oan here not you tube yins?
ye ken a need aw the help a can get

last word oan auld ben

nae need tae comment please but just a last thanks tae everybody who left a comment aboot ben there was a lot of new faces left kind words and i will reply tae them as i dinny like bein ignorant an no sayin onythin tae new folk but aw you auld friends ken whit i feel and it wid take forever tae reply tae ye aw thanks again for bein about.
slainte joak

auld ben-thanks everyone

just a wee word o thanks tae everyone who took the time tae comment on the loss o ma auld boy, ye never cease tae amaze me wi yer kindness. its still sair an there is a big hole in oor hoose at the moment, the pups still charge in tae the hoose tae see him when they come back frae a walk an i caught wee millie keekin roond the table last night tae see if he wis there its awfy sad all be back soon thanks again …slainte

couple o features , a sale an a joak

guid wee week oan the bub so i will show ye aw an then show ye a wee joak!
first auld ben wis featured in the ourk9 friends group am really pleased fur the auld yin

also sunny scotland wis featured in the amzin graves group am chuffed aboot that cos a wore masel oot doin adopey photy slop an paintshop complete amatuer oan this shot

and also someone wi exceedinly guid taste bought a wee card o fields o fire i think this is yin o ma best sellin cards so if ye want tae be in vogue ye huv tae buy yin so dinny hing aboot there sellin like hot cakes…hing oan did some body mention cakes ..am aff!

an lastly a wee text joak
how tae dae bums oan text
( ! ) = regular erse
( ! ) = ginormous erse
(!) = tight erse
( * )= sore arse
( o )=well worn erse
(e=mc2 )= smart erse
( ? ) =disny ken his erse frae his elbow…

ma new profile

got a b-mail frae wee alex gardiner ..ye ken him ..hes that wee shite that thinks hes scottish..weel hus he no pit a wee thing together o aw ma dugs so that when ye look at ma profile av got wee pictures o ma dugs that come up!..its great an i never thought i wid say this but yer a wee gem alex..wait hing oan a minuite he canny huv done that..hes aboot 120 year auld an as thick as mince!..he must huv got some brainy bloke tae dae it for him
i need tae slag him in a poem cos thats whit we dae…

auld alex wha are ye tryin tae kid
yev no the brains ye were born with
a dinny believe that you are this bright
cos yer just a daft wee embra shite

ye sent a link wi ma dugs oan show
but did ye dae it i dont know
i think yer nurse probs helped ye oot
cos you are jist a daft auld coot

i think its plain for a

feature an miners frae chile

a wis awfy pleased tae see ma big boy jamie got a feature in the pets are us group after a put a photy o him oan after gettin his operation thats brilliant ta very much

also a wis awfy plesed tae see the miners frae chile gettin rescued whit a great story an i see the prime minister frae chile is goin tae do his utmost tae make mines safer thats a guid idea…he should follow our wonderful leader frae the pasts idea.. margaret thatcher must have been awfy worried that this might happen tae oor country so she shut aw the mines doon made the men redundant an destroyed the communities that have been aroond for centuries we now import all oor coal although theres billions o tons o the stuff burried in scotland alone..but never mind at least we wilny huv a few guys stuck doon a hole!

features sales appollogies an a wee joak for the weekend

first of aw av no been aboot for ages cos a wis doon in cornwall at ma nieces weddin a might show ye some photies o ma wee family aw spruced up! so sorry av no been commentin oan onybodys stuff or replyin tae folk that have commented oan mine which isny many ma viewin figures are at an all time low a doubt av offended ye aw!..ony how a huv got a few features an a couple o sales!!!
trouble in the dunes got twa features yin in celtic realm an yin in image writting so ta a million for that folks

also ma coire bhreacan wis featured in scotlands lochs an stunnin skyscapes thanks again folks

an i huv even sold some stuff! i hudny looked at ma sales thingy cos i hud nae notification so i just had a wee look just oin case an whit a surprise, someone wi nae name(jings imagine clint eastwood buyin m…

WHITS SO GUID ABOOT I PHONES

i dinny ken whit aw the fuss is aboot i phones i wis huvin a wee blether wi Kelly Jones the other day an she said that she couldny work hers. Ye ken that am always tellin ye that the scots invented everythin.. well we scots huv hud them for years…except oors is the och aye phone. i thought i wid tell ye aboot aw its features.
1. if ye dial 999 emergency insteed o askin whit service ye want they ask ye if ye huv run oot o beer or is it whisky an then deliver it tae yer hoose
2 it automatically switches tae silent mode when the wife phones
3 it canny be used in other countries cos naebody else understands its predictive text.
4 it disny dial any numbers that have an english area code
5 ringtones only come in bagpipe form
6 its great if ye go oan foreign holidays and works oan voice recognition…if…

no pleased

dinny like makin this a political mouthpiece place but am sorry..am oan holiday an it is gettin spoiled by the lockerbie bomber fiasco..ma wee country is gettin ridiculed by two big bully nations imagine yer own prime minister crawlin up mr obahmas arse an sayin scotland wis tae blame for magrahis release obahma is sayin he wants a full enquirey…well so dae i ..who blew up an iranian passanger plane weeks before lockerbie..it wisny my country how come cia agents were in lockerbie2 hours after the tragedy wis yin man..magrahi responsible ..naw i dinny think sae.whit aboot the deal in the desert wi blair crawlin up gaddaffis arse an the prisoner transfer agreement ..never forget scots were killed in that disaster anaw if americans an british folk want tae fall oot wi me here well so be it…

50 THINGS TAE MAKE YE KEN YER SCOTS

Over the years when I huv pit Scottish photies up loads o folk aw o a sudden discover that they are Scottish and huv relatives that are Scottish and they huv direct family ties wi ma country fur instance some folk huv commented that they used tae stay 2 doors doon frae william Wallace or their granny wis pals wi Robert the bruce or their uncle went tae the shops for bonnie prince Charlie for his fags and carry oot..we even huv folk oan here like that wee shite Alex Gardiner who kids oan he’s frae Edinburgh when the nearest hes been tae Scotland is when he stood oan a beach in Sydney or something. Well jist tae clear it up heres the only way tae ken if yer Scottish.
50 Ways tae ken yer a scot…

1 Ye ken the contents o a haggis an still eat it
2 Ye can make a whole sentence oot o sweary words

a wee world cup joak fur the weekend

its no a big joak but i like it

Twa scots are goin tae the world cup final tae watch a festival o fitba..Brazil are playin Spain..(aye nae England !)..its a roastin hot day an they huv been standin in the que for hours, bloody hell says Tam am boilin i canny take much mair o this heat…aye a ken says Archie me anaw.. an wi a disapointed look hus a wee think…ye ken says Archie i wish a hud brought the fridge….dinny be daft says tam ye canny carry a bloody fridge aboot tae keep cool…naw says Archie oor tickets are oan top o it!

huv a guid yin!

dugs name joak

av been huvin a wee blether wi jamie (voluntary ranger).aboot dug names when an auld joke came intae ma heed

yin beautiful sunny summers morning the local vicar decided tae take a walk in the park before his morning sermon, it was one of these days when all the world seemed great, the birds were twittering in the trees, the bees were buzzing around the flowers and families were out enjoying the beautiful weather it was indeed a special day. just next to the pond where the ducks were feeding he spotted a beautiful little girl with long golden curly hair and a little boy throwing sticks for their little dog, he thought whit a charming little scene and felt the need to speak to the children. He first spoke to the wee boy halo son he said are you enjoying yourself..yes vicar he replied in his …

Diets are kiech

got staeamin last weekend an everybody there wis oan diets…so i said in a laphroaig haze i wid dae it anaw….so oan sunday mornin i got the wii oot an decided tae dae the fitness test oan the wii fat..sorry fit…well ma wee character jumped oan tae ma screen lookin aw healthy……then i registered an weighed masel …an ma we character suddenly changed intae mr blobby!…i thought thats it am gonny dae the diet thing i spoke tae ma next door neighbour cos she goes tae a fatty club yince a week but she isny losin ony wieght well thats no troo she lost a pound last week an celibrated by huvin a fish supper!..an onyway the fatty club is in a pub!..whit bloody guid is that!… sorry sir yev pit oan threepound..och bugger that am awa for a swally!
so am oan a chemical diet for a fortnight..an naw the chem…

features ive missed

sorry aboot no bein aboot much ive hardly taken a photy for weeks(HURRAH I HEAR YE SAY) but i will be back soon (altogether now …groan!) but av missed asome features yin for ma wife for sale photy, how come nobody pit an offer in? am stuck wi her! it was featured in the just for a giggle group thanks folks.

and ma in our hour of need photy got multiple features in: 1st Knight,Inspired Art,Celtic Realm, Scotlands History. am really chuffed wi that cos its a we fav o mine

yer wee weekend joak

Frank came hane frae the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.…

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. ‘Who the hell are you?’, demanded Frank , ‘and what are you doing in my bedroom ?’

The mysterious man answered, ‘This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St Peter ….’

Frank was stunned. ‘You mean I’m deed !!! That canny be, I have so much to live for – and I huvny said goodbye to my family. . ….. You’ve got to send me back straight away.’

St Peter replied, ‘Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dug or a hen.’

Frank was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to

bubblesite..or bubbleshite?

can oanybody tell me whit the point o a bubblesite is? a spent a wee while last night hidin frae the wife oan the computer cos she wis wantin me tae dust the plants in the garden an hoover the lawn an i couldny be bothered cos the neighbours laugh at me bein sae hen pecked. oanyway i thought i wid have a go at the bubblesite thingy so i thought i wid see whit other folk huv done but i must be the only daft bugger that has done yin cos i couldny find anybody elses an then i thought whits the point o a site that naebody can find!.. it wid be easier lookin for jack the ripper!… or ma wifes purse! it looks no bad when its done but then again thats just ma opinion cos nae bugger else can see it!…but then again am a just bein an erse

FEATURES AULD AN NEW

got a couple o features yin new an a couple a missed sorry folks. ma crippled photy got featured in the phoDOGraphy group a think they must have felt sorry for me after the great deerhound smash oan st andrews beach where a ended up wi a gammy leg

also ma last light oan lubnaig got featured in scotlands lochs group ta for that folks

an last but no least yin a missed ages ago ma photy there once was an cuddly duckling got featured in the scots are comming group cheers folks

loads o wee scottish joaks for the weekend

hope ye can aw understand these cos the whole point is they huv a big scottish language thing goin oan lol
huv fun!
A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
‘Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken’
‘Okay,’ says her dad. ’Where are you ringing from?
’Fae my knickers tae ma feet. ’…

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
‘Comfy?’asks the dentist.
‘Govan,’ she replies.

What did the male Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography
..?
Oor Wullie.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: ‘How much for the set of antlers?’
‘Two hundred quid,’ says the bloke behind the counter’
’That’s affa dear,’ says the guy.
‘Aye yer right!’ replies the bloke

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He’s awa’ noo.

After annou

yer wee weekend joak

ct: Square Testicles Square Testicles…

Wee Morag an elderly auld dear walked into the Royal Bank of Scotland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the chief executives office.The chief executive of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, ‘£165,000’. The chief executive was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.The chief executive was surprised and asked, ‘What kind of bets?’Wee Morag replied, ’Well, I bet you

£25,000 tha

new group feature

ma guid an awfy talanted pal andy gibb hus featured me in this braw new SCOTTISH group scottish lochs aw you scots oot there get oot an join an aw you foreigners can join so as ye can see ma braw country an wish ye were there

loch ard…cheers andy

so excited

heard last night that scientists have discovered the possibility o clonin humans usin the same method used for dolly the sheep this remarkable feat wis done in scotland. but whits really excitin is that the person wi the only known lock o william wallaces hair has allowed them to use a bit tae get the DNA aff it and could possibly use it to clone another wallace!!!! … i huv telt the wife we are usin her ovaries tae gain scotlands freedom..lol..seriously its the best news ever! can ye imagine how this will affect ma country ..

speedy features!

got a couple o features that happened really quick
wis featured in pets are us an puppies only
an my red bub idiots guide was featured in the tutorials group after aboot twa minuites o joinin the group wha wid huv thought that this daft big shite wid be featured in a tutorials group! it just goes tae show stick in an onyhins possible

its wee joak for the weekend time

A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen’s eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman’s garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.
The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, “In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the baws and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the baws and time how long it takes for me to get up. Who…

border raid

it hus come tae ma attention that the scots are comming group is headin south over the border tae england this weekend. unfortunatley i canny go for two reasons.am buildin a fort wi the clan guys an its ma daughters eighteenth birthday, but am a bit concerned. First of aw who is yer leader? second ye dinny huv any weapons!..am no havin ma country bein humiliated doon there, they are a bad bunch aw they bubblers frae the north o england they will ambush ye an nick yer swally and pieces oan jam.so ye better get roon tae ma hoose oan friday an get tooled up ..av got claymores, lochaber axes, broadswords, dirks, battle axes, warhammers, spears, targets, saltires and rampant lion flags…a might even let ye take ma dugs so ye can show them whit real dugs look like remember they may try an knick…

features somebodys takin the pish

av got a couple o features tae tell ye aboot an three o them are for yin journal
my 50thingsforphotysanredbub
got featured in the 50 things group twice!, noo
they are bein really sarcastic(see rule 43 in the journal) cos its no that guid although it is ma most veiwed journal an hus the most favs o any journal i huv done, some o you lot must huv faved it tae make use o the heaps o useful info, it also got featured in the dimensions group i diny ken whither tae thank ye or no!!
also mawe chose a path where no one goes got featured in the celtic realms group thats magic cos its yin o ma favs o the more recent photies i huv done

ta everyone!

scots tae chinese ..... a linguists nightmare!

right this isny gonny be yer typical scots friday night swally rant at some poor chinese bloke at a scottish chinky restaurant..hoy chairman moa gonny gee me yin o yer specials frae the szechaun area o china please ..cover it wi chips an dinny hold back oan the broon sauce…am no bein racist only tellin it like it is!.. but naw this is much mair cultured.. maybe by now ye huv seen my red bubble an idiotsguide oan ma red bub page..well believe it or no i huv been workin with a (aw naw canny beleive am sayin this!) an ..come oan joak oot wi it…an ..i canny dae it…..an eng…och do i huv tae!…..och english bloke..there ye go i said it!.. his name is voluntary ranger he is a top bloke an can speak 250 langauges..we are tryin tae break intae the chinese market so he translated the afore mentione…

50 things for photys an red bub

an idiots guide tae red bub an photys … nane o yer high tec shite here..just tellin te truth..lol…

1.do take yer lens cap aff afore ye take a photy cos ye canny kid oan forever that yer photys ar aw night shots
2 dinny drink afore ye take photys or they will aw end up like ma shite
3 hing oan do drink afore ye take photys cos if yer sober it gets awfy complicated
4 dinny take dugs wi ye if yer oan a photy shoot, they nick yer sandwiches
5 do take a tripod ..its great for hangin yer jacket oan when ye are takin photys
6 dinny fidget wi yer f stop thingy cos when ye get hame an check oot yer photys they will be rubbish
7 do fidget wi yer he haws its much mare fun,(sorry ladies you can find somethin else tae fidget wi)
8 an definatly dinny fidget wi that wee exposure thing.who the hell wants tae wai

A WEE JOKE FOR THE END O THE WEEK

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, American scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 100 years ago.…

Not to be outdone by the Americans, in the weeks that followed, an English
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the Sassenach Morning Herald read:

“English archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire,
have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech
communications network 30 years earlier than the Irish”.

One week later, the Banffshire Courier in Buckie, Scotland, reported
the following:

“After digging as deep as 30 feet in his field near Enzie,
Banffshire, Jock Broon, a

right a need a favour

ok you lot.i dinny ask much frae ye an i try an keep ye entertained so am askin ye tae dae somethin for me..it will only take twa minuites o yer time so get yer fingers oot please an dae jist this yin thing..ma daft big sister well shes actually a wee big sister cos shes a bit o a midget is doin a challange…its sponsered by drambuie they dae it every year an it involves teams o folk doin events like mountain bikin, white water raftin, swimmin, runnin,canoein an loads o other stuff.its aw for charity but you only get tae take part if ye get enough votes, an thats whaur you come in!..they are presently winnin the race for votes but others are catchin up.so if ye go intae this link am gonny pit oan..aye fat chance o that workin..an vote for team drambluie rinse ye will be ma bestest pals..i…

a guid surprise

v no been aboot much lately to busy at work an the wifes doin ma heed in at hame!..ur you oan that computer again!..huv you no dusted the apple trees ..when ur ye gonny paint the grass a bit greener..howcome ye huvny hoovered the roof…a want tae turn the hoose roond so a get the sun at night..stoap enjoyin yersel an give the car a manicure..blah blah blah..anyway av come back an seen av made a wee sale!!!..shiela (artwhiz) bought a wee card o deerhound song ..a magic gesture cos thats ma twa dear departed dugs so its awfy special!..ta very much pal yer a star..the same photy got a feature in the highlands an islands photographers group ..great stuff.. hope tae be oan a bit mair soon.

feature frenzy!

turn yer back for twa minuites an aw hell breaks oot…ma wee fingers gonny be sair after this typin wi aw they features tae tell ye aboot… an the fact am scratchin ma erse wi it…thats better..ok..its only four but its lots tae me ..lets see who first
ok whisky galore got featured in artistic libation…i ken i didny ken whit it meant either ..there some right brainy folk oan here!..but the best bit is its agroup thats based oan swally!..aye drink…bloody hell av been here for twa years an didny ken there wis a swally group!..every time i typed in swally groups i got some eejit frae alcoholics anonymus(i ken thats no how ye spell it) tryin tae get me tae go tae a meetin! an dae ye ken whit..av just looked at that photy large an i canny belive ma eyes i am one ugly bugger…naw really just up tae…

another sale!

ma guid freend marjorie walace has bought another card o fields o fire ma tribute tae stuart adamson ..bloody fantastic..at this rate i will be able tae buy dunfermline athletic stuarts fav fitba team a new player!..ta very much marjorie i ken cash is hard tae come by these days so it is awfy appreciated thank you pal

challange win!!!!!!!..an twa features!

hudny been aroond the bub for a few days an hud a wee look tae find oot id won a challange!..an no i wisny the only yin in it ya cheeky shites…..ma eilan donan shot won the challange for a castle lit by the sun or the moon an stuff…am awfy chuffed ..av got tae think o the next challange though…i think am gonny make it yer castle hus tae be scottish huv twa deerhounds in it an ye huv tae be completly pished oan laphroaig when ye are takin it…right off ye go an take yer photys…if i dinny win that yin theres somethin wrong

also ma fields o fire has been featured again in the i got the music in me challange ..magic stuff its done well for me!

!

and my spooky castle photy got a feture in the image writin group brillaint ta folks!

janeymac whit a wee scone

just hud a wee look at ma red bub an whit i saw brought a wee tear tae ma eye. Janeymac a lovely wee lass frae aus bought a laminated print o whit a year an a half. its ma last photy o aw ma auld dugs. the only yin left is ben the greyhound. such kindness is no real an janey has been oan ma watchlist frae the start. please go check her oot shes awfy nice an an animal lover as weel . janey pal ye huv made ma day

feature and ma first sale this year!

hud a guid afternoon after a shite mornin when andy murray got a doin this mornin. Marjorie Wallace(whit a guid second name!) bought a card o ma fields of fire..tribute tae stuart adamson photy..marjorie darlin yer a star..an everybody that reads this is gonny check oot yer stuff or i will hit them wi a large claymore….an ma joaks suturday night photy..a tribute tae rabbie burns for his birthday( jings is everybody i ken deed!) got a feature in the celtic realms group…a fabby group ye aw huv tae huv a wee look at

round 3

give up ya auld eejit

am tryin tae give auld alex the credit hes due
but his poems are aw fu o poo
he trys sae hard tae make ye smile
but the pair auld sole has lost his guile

its for his wife a feel real sorry
cos alex must give her awfy worry
tae get up in the middle o the night
an try an find the daft auld shite

he only nipped oot tae the loo
but hes been gone an hour or two
the pair auld nut wis posted missin
but in the kitchen he wis pissin

she cried och alex ya daft old twat
yev peed aw ower ma brand new mat
get oot the hoose ya daft auld loon
im gonny huv tae hose ye doon

sleep tight alex..love joak!

round 2

poetry wars!…

auld alex has returned again
but his efforts are in utter vain
cos abody kens when it comes tae verse
i can thrash that daft auld erse

ma younger heed is much to bright

tae worry aboot the auld yins shite
come oan noo alex gee it a rest
ye ken fine weel that am the best

i think yer heed is full o mince
as red bub folk ye cant convince
that you can beat the mighty joak
whose talant must really make ye boak

but noo am feelin realy bad
i hope the auld yins no to sad
an awfy slaggin ive dished oot
tae ma auld freend ,the daft auld coot

i ken he left auld scotias shore
a hunner an twenty years or more
tae find a better life in aus
an get the sun aboot his baws

cos scotland it is awfy damp
especially when ye are tramp
i think he wis oor last convict
kicked oot for somethin that heed knicked

so al

ma response tae auld alex(poetry wars)

tae auld alex latest poem..puir auld sole some poor nurse is probs huvin tae change his beddin the noo after a wee accident…

its awfy sad tae see auld alex verse
cos hes obsessed wi ma braw erse
he mentions it in every line
hes awfy jealous i ken fine

his stanzas they are really silly
when he talks aboot ma tiny willy
mrs joak has nae complaints
cos when its big she always faints

but enough o ma wee private parts
get back tae daft auld aussie farts
bats in his belfry some might say
the pure auld sole has lost way

if ye can stand the smell o widdle
ye should visit him an solve a riddle
how one daft wee edinburgh tit
can write such complete and utter shit

i suppose i now should say somethin kind
tae an auld yin that hus loast his mind
so alex please dont be mad
ye will maybe soil yer panty pad

round one

latest features

couple o wee features recently ma lastwee holiday photy was featured in image writting group

an ma joaks saturday night was featured in phoDOGraphy group
love seein ma dugs featured!!

handsome bloke

someone commented oan ma hard day oan the moor photy the other day an when i went tae reply i noticed aw they comments sayin well done an congrats an stuff..i thought whit hell huv a missed noo! that dose o the shits hus got a lot tae answer for but after a bit o investigation i forgot that before christmas i hud entered this shot in a handsome competition in the mood an ambiance group for a laugh! weel a wis awfy chuffed an thought i wid go an check it oot. i came second!…brilliant the second most handsome bloke oan red bub!..until i looked at the rest…nightmare whit a bunch o roasters!..the guy that won only won cos he emullsioned his teeth white afore the photy.ye canny even see aw his heed..then theres hunky no2..no3 looks like a laugh a minuite..not.. or doin a poo,,no4 hus lost his…

couple o features -yin in a brand new group!!

awf! chuffed that ma tribute tae stuart adamson fields o fire photy got a feature in the brand new excitin group celtic realms..big stuart would huv liked that im sure..and he wid love this group anaw so get yer bums over there an join if ye huv any celtic stuff or huv a look if ye huvny….ma bums no goin anywhaur yet its still nippin! also ma they choose a path photy got another feature in the inspired art group so ta for that anaw folks brilliant

canny beleive it....... bloody diahorea

canny believe av been in ma bed wi skitters an all hell has broke loose wi ma fields o fire photy!…oan the featured art home page o red bub nae less!!!!..an i missed it!…cause o ma erse!
DIAHOREA
THERE IS NAE GOD AM TELLIN YE
AN THATS BECOME QUITE CLEAR
COS NAEBODY THAT LOVES US AW
WHIT HUV INVENTED DIAHOREA…

IT WIS AT MA TEA THE FIRST WEE SIGN
MA BELLY GAVE A RUMBLE
I SAID HELP MA BOAB SWEETHEART
WHITS IN THIS APPLE CRUMBLE

WIS IN MA BED FOR JUST A MINUITE
WHEN I GOT SUCH A FRIGHT
IF A WIS TAE MOVE JUST YIN WEE BIT
ID FILL THE ROOM WI SHITE

AW NAW I THOUGHT WHIT KIN A DAE
TAE MAKE IT TAE THE LOO
COS IF I DAE JIST YIN WEE FART
IM BOUND TAE FOLLOW THROUGH

NAE TIME TAE WASTE IVE GOT TAE GO
MA CHEEKS CAN SQUEEZE NAE MAIR
THE LAST THING THAT I NEED RIGHT NOO
IS KIECH ALL OWER THE FLAIR

JINGS THAT WIS CLOSE IV

twa features =awfy happy

ma they choose a path where no one goes got featured in the let thier be rock group…am really happy cos thats ma first feature in that group an the song an photy mean a lot tae me..also ma 50 other things aboot mee got featured in the 50 things group ..thats really guid cos it gave folk a laugh..so ta tae the moderators for thier great taste an obviously have an eye for talant…they just must o slipped up the day they featured me!..lol

feature and oan page two of the most popular art for one day

my they choose a path where no one goes work has got a feature in the dimensions group..so a big ta tae sharon mau for that and its oan page two o the most viewed art for one day on the homepage..am really chuffed cos this photy took me ages to do …but most o that time wis hidden frae the wife cos she wis moanin at me bein oan the pc for to long!

first feature for ages!

just switched oan ma pc an found that ma wee christmas quiz shot o doune castle got featured in the castle magic group..am awfy chuffed cos thats ma first castle photy in ages!..tina hogg is the host an if ye huvny checked oot her stuff ye should cos its braw
ta for that tina no a bad start tae the year pal

50 things aboot me again

av awready done this type o idea but this wee thing wi set questions seems tae be quite popular so am gonny try cos everybody else is!..actually i canny mind the questions.so av got two red bubs oan the go an am floatin aboot atween the two so i can read the questions ..this will probably take aboot two weeks tae do so be patient!..right here we go am aff tae the other red bub tae see the question dinny go away…

1.ok am back first question whits ma fav hobbby?
playin wi masel…nothin like bein honest!..right am awa tae the other red bub

2 how old wis a when a left school?
37 i got kept back for bein thick

3 whit wis ma first pet?
a wee hamster called hamish..yin winter when it wis cauld, i thought it wis deed cos i never new they could hibernate, i tried tae wake it up i gave it brandy an milk

ye ken who yer pals are!

i wis just spendin ma lunch break oan red bub, cos a work awfy hard wi the cooncil, a wis lookin aboot an i thought a wid go an see whit that wee shite alex gardiner is up tae cos i aye get a laugh at his crappy poems an stuff an i noticed he hus got a wee award thingy goin .imagine ma shock when i saw who hud won ,,aye yer right it wisny me!..an another thing its aw wimmin oan it apart frae me..i came 3rd!..wha does he think hes kidden..he wid huv been nothin withoot me a tought him aw he kens..he wis jist another kiddy oan scot lost in the aussie wilderness until i rescued him…an noo hes crawlin up aw the wimmins bums tryin tae be thier pal…..thats ma joab!…typical o folk frae edinburgh they huv nae morals!..so dinny faw for that auld twisters charms he wid knick the wax frae yer ears i…

a response tae that wee shite alex gardiners wonderful world journal!

wee alex ye are such an erse
if ye think that yer guid at verse
ye surely dinny think its right
tae pit doon forty lines o shite…

the folk oan here are guid at art
an dinny need some daft auld fart
tae tell them that there awfy guid
a think yer heed must be made o wid

ye canny huv many pals o yer ain
cos sookin in tae red bub folk is aw in vain
an even molly yer poor we dug
is tryin tae bend ma jamies lug

huv you escaped frae an auld folks hoose
cos surley they dinny ken yer loose
i bet they huv phoned the local coppers
in case yer wan o they trooser droppers

its such a shame when ye reach your age
an yer mind is at a funny stage
ye dinny ken the days o the week
an yer undies o the pish dae reek

i hud tae right this little verse
cos yer aye oan aboot the size o ma erse
but really mate yer yin o the bes

a quiet night in

ive just had the quietest new year ever..normally we go awa wi another couple tae a we log cabin but that didny happen cos the other couple split up ..selfish bastards!..the wife wisny feelin well an went tae her bed,,selfish bastard…ma daughter went oot wi her pals an still isny hame an its 3 in the mornin..selfish wee shite..ma neighbours were aw workin..money grabbin buggers!…so me an millie , jamie an ben hud a wee night in front o the fire huvin a few whiskys an watchin bbc scotland …true pals they never let ye doon!.wee millie disny like fireworks an so wis needin a wee cuddle onyway hope ye aw hud a nice time an i will speak tae ye aw soon..slainte joak!

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