prince charming? prince ..... ?

a fairy tale ending with a nice guy who takes care of everything, buys extravagent gifts and flowers everyday…..

whoever thinks that this is what women want… is a delusional self absorbed egg with a lacking of accountability for their own actions when they’re simply just not being kind. that’s what i’m told to believe anyways – and i’m trying…because ‘prince charming’ is the one thing i know i don’t expect out of someone. i like to open my own jars, earn my own money, and flowers everyday would just make me sneeze.

i thought that i was pretty clear..however i was actually accused of this the other day… after yoyo-ing back and forth with someone who is honestly a menace to emotional security. one of those people you can’t help but love, then hate. then love. then really dislike. then love….and still love no matter what they’ve said or done….but you hate because they’ve made you worry, cry, and then yell back occasionally in ways that you’d never otherwise do if you felt you weren’t pushed to the very end of your tether… so then that makes me just as bad…and then you think… if i had acted better, just stayed silent and listened, been more attentive, just done it ‘that’ way, been more receptive…then what? would i have gotten an ulcer or would i have gotten the nice guy that i know is in there most of the time?

i woke up sad again this morning because of this confusing mess of damage. i miss the warm and gentle person who really wasn’t perfect. but i never wanted or expected that anyways. what i wanted was “loving” in a give and take kind of way – which happened sometimes… i think?

i don’t miss the ‘lately’, and i certainly don’t miss the ‘previously’ episodes that, once in full swing, wouldn’t stop no matter which angle it was approached with. i don’t miss feeling like i’ve just been sucked into a black hole of bitter filled with envy, anger and jealousy. that hole was deep, and i felt unable to get out – nerve wracked that something i, or someone else said will spark a fury of accusations and words that seem to come from somewhere out in left field.

and yet, nearly every day – i care enough still – to ask how the day is going. and it’s not just asking to be nice. i actually mean the “care” i’m investing. why should i? does it matter how my day is going? well – i know it did, or does.. or.. maybe at some point…

i was and never have looked for someone to rescue me and fulfil my every need or whim. i don’t need it. i’ve survived on my own without relying on anyone else. i travel alone, drive, use a screw driver and power tools. i know how to mow my own lawn, cook, clean, balance a bank book, and defend my children. i don’t expect a god’s body, endless wealth, and complete portfolio of accomplishments. all i want is a shared generosity, kindness and a want to contribute to an “us” in a positive, helpful, adult fashion. i want someone who has good plans put in place for health, living and relationships.

the men i’ve met or chose to attempt anything with – are stuck at being 16 years old for the rest of their lives. grown men with skate shoes, band t-shirts, no real food in the house…dishes, soap scum, crumbs, and god knows scattered about. there’s no sense of direction, and no future plans beyond maybe a gig coming up in a month or two. they work, and obsess about it – the money, the problems, the interactions. they rely on their contacts – who they know, and what fortunes might land at their feet that they can take advantage of. seeking help, seeking personal growth is too hard. god forbid picking up a book. heaven help me i SHARE something from a book. i’ve tried that. it doesn’t often bode well…

hmph that book learnin’ is for new age poncy hippy honkies who think they’re one up and superior to the world just trying to make themselves look better than everyone – (apparently). and them doctors, lawyers and counsellors – oh ho HO – money grubbing assholes who don’t know their butt crack from their elbow, sapping money from people dumb enough to request their services.

right. sure. okay. (stop being a condescending bitch!) silence. (god you’re cold). deep breath (WHAT?!). nothing…enter the realm of dante’s 7th circle of hell

explain to me. explain to me…my sadness this morning. this crushing sensation. explain to me WHY i’ve been picking these extremes in people. lacksidaisial, psychotic or just plain grumpy. how is it that i’m SO protective of my children or anyone else – but find myself in a quagmire of confusion. why wouldn’t i be completely okay for walking away from another empty disaster that was hurting more than happy?

i know i need to just be alone – take some time to regroup and gather my senses. i think my wits fell out the door… and i feel like, even though i’ve been in 3 relationships in the past 10 years… i’ve been intrinsically by myself the whole time anyway – with moments of pleasant companionship sprinkled in between. but rather than go through all this sort of risk and heartache again – i’d rather be solo and lonely, instead of tangled in something….and still lonely…and worse yet… confused.

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