i don't hate you but...i do. (diatribe)

but right now – i don’t like you very much either. i don’t want to be your friend at all at the moment, so don’t ask me to be – even though that’s all we’ve kind of been as of late.

your display tonight – screaming at me – was the prime example as to why i fell out of “love” with you sometime ago. it was mildly amusing that you thought i was fighting or discussing things with you to keep us in this mess of a relationship – then used the word “denial” in reference to this. i was actually incredulous – if not speechless. why the hell would i be in denial when i told you i’d released you awhile ago, but had mildly hoped you’d mature yourself and get some help for that temper of yours? why the HELL would i be in denial when there’s a whole list of things that state “no”. i don’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore, i told you that over and over again (but you still kept saying i was in denial?!) – i’d rather be alone and not lonely, than in something with you and feeling isolated and continually misunderstood.

i never will understand you. the extremes of your niceness, passion, anger and jealousy.

i feel a mixture of sadness, loss, anger, and pain. also a decent dose of indifference and a big ‘fuck you’. you said i’m frustrating, and i don’t listen to you. really? hard to listen when you’re being screamed at. hard to listen when the accusations coming out of your mouth aren’t accurate and god forbid i try to defend myself because THEN… shit… i’m being defensive and not listening again…. but if i’m silent, and say something like “okay”…“sure”…“right”… i’m being sarcastic, a smart ass or a pessimistic bitch (but i’m thinking you meant “patronizing” here – irony.. wait for it.. waiiiiiit forrr ittt – did you get it?) … when really, i was affirming i’d heard you. you actually said that i force you to yell because i won’t hear your side. um. i DO hear your side. but it seems that 9 times out of 10, especially when you’re going off at me about something i’ve not done, am not doing, or am doing… you really haven’t thought it through, there’s either an easy explanation or even a solution to try. fuck me if i try and deliver that or protect myself. BOOM. you’re off and there’s no turning back.

i don’t deserve that spiral of anger. it takes over you. it’s what made my feelings for you change. it’s why i stayed away. why i couldn’t put myself back into being “there”. i couldn’t have male friends talk to me or compliment anything without you suspect of it. you even say, “i’m a guy, i know what they’re up to, they just want to get in your pants”. – well. i’m intelligent, and if it’s not threatening, or crossing a line, or better yet NOT happening – then there’s no need for an arguement over it. personally, i wasn’t doing anything, so why…?

i’m kind of glad you haven’t been around much. it takes less explanation to my kids who ONCE AGAIN lose you to wherever it is you go to in your head every year, at this time of year. you’re really good to them when you see them. it’s me you have the problem with. but since we’ve been pretty scarce, all the easier to fade you out. a chilly exit? yes. not that nice of me? yes. but my children will be protected and left unconfused. you’re the friend that comes around – now you’re the friend that doesn’t come around. as far as they’re concerned.. you’re busy.

i used to love you very much. i really did. heart and soul. but over and over again i couldn’t do anything right… so i withdrew. you say i was cold. yes. i was. sorry about that – it WAS my problem. i couldn’t handle and deal with the “us”. i should have just said “no” sometime ago really. i gave you up before… even dated a different, more extreme version of a headcase in between – then came back.

i was a fool to think that anything had changed between us – when you hadn’t actually gone out and done the work to help yourself but i had. ‘oh but i’ve learned so much and read a few things.’ okay. note to self – this is NOT the same as professional counselling.

it’s really annoying that you used to say it was so cool that we were different, that we’d bring new things to the relationship that way. funny that it was ME who would have to cross to your interests and not vice versa. we are WAY too different. you’re right, it’s NOT been a relationship in that regard. i wanted to go out and do something with you. i always asked.. out to ANYTHING. even a pub for one drink, or the beach, a walk… somehow you twisted that tonight in your explosive ire to say that i wanted to party and drop tabs of E and throw money around like a rock star.

that’s not me. you don’t know me. you didn’t hear me. i hardly drink anything LET ALONE drop some dumb tablet – and throw money around?? since when does a walk, hike or the beach cost anything? then you turn and say…“well i was frustrated wasn’t i??” yes. yes you were. but you have no right to scream and swear and carry on at me like that. “i’m not perfect!” you bellowed. i didn’t and don’t expect you to be – but i do expect an adult response.

how FRUSTRATING (and you have the audacity to say that i’m the frustrating one) that you turn things and say i never financially do anything for you (gift wise or what have you). you. are. hilarious. so the cards i’ve gotten you which remain here (then get turfed), the carving i found, or the dinners i make (for valentines’, easter, thanksgiving, canada day or any other major celebration), the birthday dinner and expensive bottle of wine i took you out for and gourmet breakfast in the morning – these mean nothing? the couple of weekends away in a beautiful hotel? nothing? i don’t like to buy you actual physical gifts anymore because quite frankly – you’re hard to buy for and i told you that. i’ve bought you things you don’t wear, or they don’t fit – you HAVE all the music you like, electronics, the movies you want, jewelery pieces, and said you don’t want things for your flat. um… you may see my point here…

i didn’t sit in front of the tv with you most nights you’d come around because i fucking HATE television. the mindless rot – i’ve even told you as much. i stayed pottering around the kitchen, prepping dinner, making stuff or working with the kids’ things because i’d rather stick a pen in my eye than stare at the idiot box and not talk anyways. i would ask you to come and join me – you could have jumped in to do things – but after a minute or two… back to the tv and a bowl of chips. you say you wanted me to sit and relax – then complain when i did and wasn’t ready to go to bed yet because i got sucked into something quite by accident and i hadn’t wanted to. i was in shit for relaxing to the point of dozing off. i was in shit for refusing to submit and not sitting down so that i WOULDN’T doze off.

i ask you. what the FUCK could i have done differently here???

i can’t cuddle up to someone i don’t feel “that way” for. sorry about it but it’s true. i didn’t approach you because – i didn’t and don’t feel that way anymore. i was faithful to you. i was kind. somehow you say i had double standards to how things were okay for me and not for you. you’ve got to be joking. i called you out on that tonight… you couldn’t work out WHERE that point was true from your side. i can’t say how many times you’ve gone out and done your own thing with the bands. you’ll call in the morning or next afternoon or whatever. there used to be no drama there. i was in canada… in the hills, then a friend’s birthday. you didn’t hear from me for a day… (not 2 as you’d like to claim here) and all hell broke loose. seriously. i don’t think so.

i only recently stated it “creeped me out a bit” when you’ve been going to gigs and i’ve clearly not been invited to go because quite frankly… the last time this sort of thing happened with you…. right. well that’s obviously my fault for not letting the past go. but you gave me good reason to hang onto that memory.

i was and am hurting, but i don’t love you like that. i put up my walls (which will, for the record, NEVER come down) and have resigned myself to collecting cats – although chinchillas are looking mighty cute at the moment too.

out of respect for me as a person – i’ve asked that you don’t go out and just spark up or pick up a new number for awhile…. because… truly. how would YOU feel if i did that? you said “okay i hear you”. my brain says otherwise and my heart is already injured. fucking wall apparently has a hole in it. you have a variety of sides…nice, calm, reasonable and loving – THAT was the one in particular i fell and continued for. right now, i don’t remember that guy very much – but there are vague recollections of gentle.

what a horrible emotional space to be in.

on second thought. maybe i do hate you. just a little bit. <3

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