Unconditional

“I think that I have been a very selfish person until recently.” Maggie said as she stared into Nadine’s hazel eyes.

“It’s just that I never really had to think about anyone other than myself before. You know how teenagers are, it’s all about me style of thinking. Now, I don’t know, it’s just different. Everywhere I look there are monumental issues and global catastrophes. I can’t even turn on the news anymore without getting a horrible feeling in my stomach that something horrible has happened and I will now have to face that fact.” Maggie looked eagerly at Nadine hoping for a reply. When none came she quickly added, “Am I overreacting?”

Nadine blinked a couple of times and stared back at Maggie. The corner of her mouth twisted up into a sly sort of smile that offered a glimpse of comfort to Maggie.

“I know, you think I am normal but borderline paranoid right? Well, you don’t have to be so worried. It’s easier to be self absorbed you know. I only think that since I became a mother have these fears become such a reality. I am responsible for someone else’s life now and I am really starting to feel the pressure.”

Maggie couldn’t help but smile at Nadine’s blank stare. Her last comment almost sounded like an insult. “I didn’t mean it like that. I guess I am overreacting a little.” Maggie started to calm down. Her friendship with Nadine had really grown over the last few months and she appreciated the long daily talks that the two shared even if they were slightly one-sided. Maggie shrugged her shoulders and let out a long, drawn out sigh. “I never thought it would be so hard. My parents didn’t prepare me for this. Actually, they never prepared me for anything and now I have vowed to be a better parent to my child. I just don’t know where to start. Being a mother has somehow made me notice all of my inadequacies and want to fix them but there a no how-to books covering that issue. Sure there are books and magazines for new parents but nothing that lays it all out for you. I want something that says ‘hey, this is what you have to do so do it!’ Is that too much to ask?”

Maggie saw that Nadine’s beautiful hazel eyes were slowly being swallowed by her heavy eyelids. “Is it that time already? I was having a real breakthrough today. Oh well, maybe when you get up from your nap then we can finish.” Maggie carefully picked up her newborn from the bouncy chair where she had been sitting and slowly rocked her in her arms. “Nadine I really hope I can be the mother to you that you truly deserve.” As Maggie lay Nadine down in her crib she gently kissed her forehead. Maggie couldn’t shake the smell of innocence that swarmed Nadine and suddenly she felt her fears dissipate. There was a sense of hope looming where the fear once resided. She knew that she may never win an award for mother of the year, yet she also knew that she had to try her very best for this tiny harmless creature which she now stood over. Maggie took her time watching Nadine sleep and secretly awaited her awakening so they could resume their conversation. How rewarding it felt to have created this being! How unbelievable the amount of pride that radiated from Maggie’s entire body! Once more Maggie let out that exhausted sigh and turned away from where her baby slept to go and try to recapture some of her own lost sleep.

Unconditional

jla0204

Joined January 2008

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