If I was free…

Dawn asked me what I would do if I was ever truly free. I don’t believe that I will ever truly be free, but yes I yearn for it all the time. For one thing, my body is extremely ill, I think I actually might be dying. I know something is terribly wrong inside of my body, it tells me everyday, while the doctors ignore it, lie about it, and do nothing. I am quite sure irreparable damage has already occurred, and I am sensing that I might be dying of cancer or something similar. This is just my common sense talking, and my common sense has been right all these years, through all of the hospitalizations, lies and abuse. I am very ill and I think I am dying. Part of freedom is having your health, it is hard to feel free when you are sick and I have been sick for such a long time. I remember taking my little girl who was five to her soccer games (my son came too, he was a baby), and watching her run across the field with the other little girls, and I was wishing so much that I could run across the field too with them. I wished to run with my daughter. I wanted to run with my daughter. It has been thirteen years and I still can’t run with my daughter, and maybe I never will. I have to deal with same hate that has created all these losses for me on a daily basis, it seems my problem never goes away. I don’t see my beautiful daughter or my handsome son on a daily basis anymore, I am not an important part of their lives. I have been removed, by the people who have told me for a decade that I am nothing. Although, I know this isn’t true, I stayed with my children as long as humanly possible, while a terrible infection was allowed to rage in my body on purpose. I stayed and took care of them and was their friend because I love them more than anything in the world. Being a parent and a mother was the most wonderful experience in my life. It is their loss as well as mine. I have watched the state and people in general persecute me over this last decade and ruin everything in my life. My health, my relationships, my accomplishments, my ability to care for myself or others because I am sick and people never stop picking on me and playing games. I find what I have been put through sometimes almost laughable because it is so unbelievable and so undeserved, and because I know most people don’t even have the ability to understand the years of torture I have endured at the hands of my oppressors, the people that have rights but think I don’t, FOREVER. And because they have not walked in my shoes, they just don’t have the ability to understand endless overwhelming torture, with no escape and the nasty people that never, never get out of my personal space. You can not love if you are not free, neither can you truly be loved, for you are a prisoner and it really is an impossibility to find love without respect. One of the requirements of true love is respect.

What this builds up to is an answer to Dawn’s question, what would I do if I was truly free, truly free. Which I would have a real hard time believing. Part of being free would be my health, being set free physically, healed. What would I do if I was well and free?

I would go running on the beach, on a beautiful day, and I would love as much as possible, especially my children.
And one day, when I am truly free, and I can see my beloved children, I will go running with my daughter and son as I dreamed about for so many years when I was taking them to her soccer games.


Copyright ©2008 JANE À PARIS



Joined February 2008

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If I was free…

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