JaneAParis

Joined February 2008

I have a deep love for expressionism – ‘Expressionistic artist sought to develop pictorial forms which would express their innermost...

Email to Claire

Dear Pumpkin: I think about you all the time. It is three in the morning right now. I think about my health all the time too. I am not going to be happy until I have my health back. I wish for it every day, every hour, every minute, because I am in so much misery. My body really hurts. I long for a time in the future when I no longer have to live in fear of the doctors and the police, and they will return to me what is mine, my body. I long not to have bacteria crawling around inside of me, eating at me and hurting me. I worry about what it is doing to my liver and other organs. I long to be able to exercise. I get tired of the mind games that other people play all the time in regard to the way they treat me. I know it is hard for you to understand, but quite simply I get treated different from other people, whether people have good or bad intentions does not matter, I simply hate the mind games, they are in and of themselves quite damaging and I feel like I will never be free of them. The mind games are very intimidating. I feel like I do things and make decisions I would not make if things were different, if I really felt that I had some sort of power over my life and health. Instead I feel that I am much of the time at the mercy of others who often pull me down or try to make me feel bad about myself and afraid. And it works. I grow tired and weary and I look for someone strong to give me the love I need to continue. I would not do this maybe if it was not for the fact that I am sick and I have no control over my life. But I am human, and I want someone to hold me and tell me that things will be better and that they can make things better. Do you understand? I am so sick and tired. Just like I used to hold you when you were sick and tired. I am so tired of being alone. I miss you and Mitchell more than anything in the world. I wish I could touch you and kiss and hug you. I wish I could pet your pretty hair and rock you and sing to you. I just wanted to let you know at this moment, as with many many many moments, I always have you in my heart, no matter what life is dishing out to me. I wish you all the best. Be strong and feel good about yourself. Be happy. Life is a gift Claire. God loves you. God truly loves you. You are beautiful my sweetheart. Enjoy life, school, and your friends and seize the day. And take care of and look after Mitchy, for me please. Love forever and always Mommy—-

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