Train-Track-Heart-Attack

Took a glance, and my heart lifted

I came up and then swiftly came down

The sensory pleasure my eyes had sent to my stomach

My memory quickly made hollow

Heart rate increasing, pace quickened

And all of the thoughts

of the things and the feelings and the wishes and the sorrows and thePain

Left my brain

My pace is now too fast

My heart beat rapidly becoming

the kind of anxiety that causes a cardiac arrestAn attack on my heart

Then,

The thoughts return

He’s seen me and he’s running away

Maybe he’s running away because

because he knows that if he sees me close uphe’ll know what he’s lost and he’ll hurtMaybe it’s wishful thinkingHe stops walking and takes a seatI freezeLike I do when I think about him for too long

Only this time he’s just six steps away

Six big steps

Like the first six months of fighting to smile and mean it

Six big steps like the six months that followed the first

Of climbing out of strangers beds after a moment of just wanting to be .

.. touched without my sadness being known

I look away

Take deep breaths

And pretend he’s not there

I try to think of what to say if we end up on the same carriage of the train but

The words go

So I decide t wait where I am and ‘not chase him’

Although it wouldn’t really matter if I did because even though I can run fast

He knows how to hide

And so the train comes

And goes

I look down the platform and see a lady who smiles and sits beside me

and…with my heart beating at it’s comfortable pace and my thoughts ticking over at their usual rate

I hear a whisper

‘I thought we could’ve been great’

Then I get on the train, and go home.

Train-Track-Heart-Attack

Jai-Jai

Joined February 2009

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