A Letter to Him

I miss you most when it’s raining. The constant sound is a reminder of the way you made me feel; steady and comfortable yet impermanent. Its almost as if everything we did was naturalized by the fact that you needed someone to make your ego stronger. I guess I was the one who would fall under your spell. The wicked torture of adulation brings great condolences to my heart which I am too sad to reciprocate.

Everytime I see those thunder clouds, I wonder, what made them so angry? They are angry from being adorned as beautiful by everyone except for who they need the most. They cry and scream in pain because they only need one person to care. The trees and plants grow from the sadness of the clouds and world thrives on.

Sadness can be accepted as a perception that is not limited by the human range of emotions. The deep forlorn sighs of the earth are heard but not cared about. The empty vastness of the universe creates lonely stars, lonely planets, and lonely people. As the rain falls, the ground becomes saturated with what the sky was once abundant with and each droplet is a mere fraction of a whole. Does that droplet even make a difference?

I feel as if I am a droplet of rain, only making a difference to the depleted desert. I guess that’s okay.

As long as I was with you, I was the droplet and you were my desert but you turned into a jungle and let me feel worthless. You made me feel broken and weak.

I listened when you said you loved me. I heard it and I took it to heart. That was a mistake. You never loved me, even if you said you did.

Love isn’t calling your significant other names. It isn’t a one way street. It can’t be broken. Love isn’t love when you use her, when you make her feel worthless, or when you treat her with empty lust. Love isn’t when you hit her because you are filled with anger, it isn’t yelling and screaming, and it never is telling her you would kill her if she left. That isn’t love. It’s fear of being alone.

I’ve been accustomed to saying “sorry” in situations where I’m not at fault for anything. You made me think that everything was my doing. I apologize for everything. You yelled at me and I apologized for making you yell. You dropped a glass and I apologized for not cleaning it up fast enough. You make me cry and I apologize for being a nuisance.

Im getting better. I’m learning to live without you. Im learning to love myself and not say sorry. Im learning to be okay again. Most of all, I am learning how bad you were for me. I have people who care about me now. I have friends again. I am me again.

I do miss you but I’m learning not to. The sky is sad and so am I. Someday the rain will cease and so will my sadness.

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