Travels to Lonliness

What is this world worth to me and others? Aren’t we all trying to find our place? Our purpose? Our path to the journey that brings us the most achievement and sense of worth? I struggle constantly to find where I belong in this chaos of the world I live in. I have always travelled. As a child my dad was in the Navy and we moved from port to port and I lost friends and learned new landscape. I was never an attached child, moving made me learn to let go. I think this has made me stronger as a woman but weaker as a lover. I am strongly independent and I can do things for myself. I can manage my money, change my own oil, fish, and install plumbing and irrigation. I love this part of me, it is so fulfilling to know I never need anyone to do things for me. But, then you see my other problem. I say I don’t need anyone and it is true, but I know I intimidate people with my rough edges, I think people need to feel needed in a relationship and I can only give up so much at time. I think I have now seen it is even harder since my engagement was broken off. Life just seems more complicated and I am discouraged to build up a relationship again that may be knocked down. I hate the hurt I feel.

In another sense my independence has also caused my life to be unbearable for a relationship. I love to travel, seeing new places is what i live for. I have so much curiosity, so much drive. I almost hate that my dad has left the navy because I feel a stillness in life and adventure. It haunts me a lot. Now I know it is even harder for me than ever to travel, it is so expensive. Then fitting this need to travel into a relationship means I need to not only find someone who wants a secure loving relationship, but also wants to travel and experience the world with me, or allow me to travel without them. This means tons of trust and strength.

I think I may just be defeating myself..

Journal Comments