The Procrastination Schedule

7:00 am – Wake up to the sound of the alarm clock, which was primed the night before specifically to get up early and begin working on that English assignment that was set over a month ago and is due in tomorrow! Consider getting out of bed but then decide not to, then hit the snooze button and sleep for another couple of minutes.

1:00 pm – Awaken 6 hours later to the sound of your empty stomach groaning for food. Stumble out of bed avoiding the previously used dinner plates scattered all over the bedroom floor of which have now become part of an assault course. As you make your way towards the door dazed and half asleep, pick up random dirty clothes off of the floor and put them on, no matter how much they smell.

1:05 pm – Urinate… in the toilet… or if the mood strikes on mum’s ficus tree again.

1:10 pm – Prepare Lunch. To make things more fun, search for food in the house as if you’re a hunter on the trail of a woolly mammoth. Once the fun wears off go directly to the fridge and take out everything you see. Make the world’s most awesome sandwich consisting of sardines, mayonnaise, jelly, cheese, bacon, Mars bars, BBQ sauce.

1:43 pm – Throw up.

1:52 pm – Reluctantly sit down at the computer to begin writing the essay. Stare blankly at the question for 10 minutes without a clue of what to write get bored and then decide instead to look for pictures of cats that look like celebrities on the internet.

2:29 pm – After briefly attempting to write the essay reward your intent by playing some Halo for a few minutes before you start work again.

6:30 pm – After an intense session of kicking some alien ass on Halo, resume working on the essay. Do research on the play Othello and then convince yourself that watching the movie Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, could technically be classed as research.

8:00 pm – After compiling all the research, mostly from sources that are in no way related to Othello, begin writing the essay.

9:00 pm – As time is running out it’s imperative that you start writing the essay. After two minutes get bored again and try to make the computer screen explode using your mind.

9:08 pm – Create your own language by placing a b in the middle of every word.

9:12 pm – Laugh at your fingers, because you think they look like little people.

9:15 pm – Air guitar to your Dad’s 50 greatest rock ballads CD

9:27 pm – See how many words rhyme with ‘Renee Zellwegger’

9:42 pm – Sing Cher’s “Do you believe in life after love” into a fan while it’s spinning

9:45 pm – See how long you can hold your breath before passing out

9:50 pm – Draw a six pack on your stomach with felt-tip pen and pose in the mirror like you’re Matthew McConaughey

11:35 pm – Finish essay. Despite all the procrastination and… weirdness, finally finish the essay. Read through what you’ve written to check for spelling mistakes.
‘William Shakespeare’s Othello is about a boy who goes on holiday with his parents but gets on the wrong plane and ends up in New York. Then he booby traps a house to catch two escaped criminals who are after him… haha… booby…’

11:45 pm – Satisfied with your efforts, print, sit back and relax for a well deserved rest, secure in the knowledge you tried your best.

The Procrastination Schedule

Paul Hickson

Norwich, United Kingdom

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