The Superhero CV

Name
Paul Hickson

Current alias
Captain Environment

Previous aliases
• Gender confused boy/girl
• Generic superhero man
• The human flowerpot
• Calligraphy Kid
• Slightly overweight but certainly not morbidly obese man
• Less than average man
• Captain Grammar
• Celine Dion’s number 1 fan man
• Oh no she didn’t lad

Superpowers
• The ability to hear when someone turns a TV on from a great distance
• The ability to correctly guess the year a film was produced
• The ability to be completely immune to the power of Matthew McConaughey’s pecks
• The ability to know all the words to Elton John’s candle in the wind
• The ability to make my thumb appear to detach from my hand
• The ability to write in a variety of decorative fonts
• The ability to stick it to the man

Weaknesses
• The sweet sweet sound of Lionel Richie
• An affectionate hug
• Anything with Susan Surandon in it
• Facebook

Previous employers
• Quintessentially 60’s superhero man
• Tom Cruise
• Mr Fantastic… but I don’t like to toot my own horn man
• Lampshade
• Super boy

Experience

My name is Paul Hickson and I am a superhero, although I did at one time dabble in super villainy but stopped on account of continually being defeated by “Pyjama man”, curse him and his jazzy Pyjamas. I first discovered my passion for good when I rescued a beehive that had got itself inexplicably stuck high up in a tree, ha those bees, what are they gonna do next? Despite my heroism they were less than grateful, and stung me in numerous places, you’re welcome bees! No wonder you’re dying out, manners cost nothing. A short while later, I got my first super hero gig as a sidekick for “Quintessentially 60’s superhero man” who made me sign a contract which therefore made me contractually obliged to say lame 60’s superhero catchphrases such as “holy moly” and “great Julio Eglesius”. Yeah not so intimidating when you’re trying to take down some badass biker gangs. After two painfully degrading years of employment I was again unemployed, when Quintessentially 60’s superhero man was sadly rundown by a 1966 Lincoln Continental, I know right Ironic huh?! Oh he didn’t die but his spirit sure did. By the way I should stress I wasn’t the one driving the car, no that was “The texter”, they were like arch nemeses or something, no clues for what he was doing when he hit him. It was at this time I decided to take up Calligraphy, and after realising my apparent power for writing decorative fonts I became known as “The Calligraphy kid”, fighting crime with my absolutely darling fonts. My reputation for writing the words “F YOU CRIME!” In a variety of different lettering Soon attracted the attention of some pretty reputable superheroes one of which was “Mr Fantastic but I don’t like to toot my horn about it”. Yep that was his real title, he was incredibly modest and hated the way in which superheroes such as “Superman” and the “Incredible Hulk” gave themselves the most egotistical sounding names ever, which I kind of agree with I mean jeez insecure much? We were a great crime-fighting duo for the best part of a month until he decided to quit and pursue a career in musical theatre. He’s actually pretty good but he’s far too modest to admit it, he played the lead in an off Broadway production of Rent. A short time after I went through a period of numerous short term employment with various different people such as “Super Boy”, who had been fighting crime for over 60 years and by which time the name super boy was no longer an accurate title in regard to his current physical appearance. Another, was the mysterious crime fighter “Lampshade”, who despite the cool sounding name, actually incorporated a lampshade as part of his costume wearing it over his head to conceal his identity… he just didn’t think to cut eyeholes in it. During this period I was also hired by Tom Cruise to ensure there were no monsters hiding under his bed and in his wardrobe. So disillusioned at being a sidekick by this time I decided to go solo and become my own boss because you know, they say there’s no better feeling than being your own boss. I once again decided to change my superhero name to “Captain Grammar” and defeat crime with my superior linguistic skills, occasionally giving English lessons to under privileged individuals and spell checking graffiti written on motorway underpasses. However a new nemesis made himself known to me “The Apostrofiend” who was on his very own mission to kidnap the apostrophe and remove it from the English language forever. It eventually culminated in a tense stand off, on top of a skyscraper like in Die Hard where he had the apostrophe tied up at gunpoint, however I was on hand to save the day. The fame that followed I regret to say, went very much to my head and I eventually found myself sad and alone and also slightly overweight. McDonald’s had given me a lifetime supply of burgers for saving the apostrophe in their name so I felt obliged to take them up on their offer. There was no escaping this reality and so I decided to embrace it, by becoming “Slightly overweight but certainly not morbidly obese man”. With my new signature move the belly flop which shook the ground within a 2 mile radius I was finally back on my feet again, fighting crime, until I’d get tired and ya know have to sit down again. All this exercise from fighting crime helped me lose so much weight that the name no longer became relevant anymore and was then forced to change it again, this time to “Oh no she didn’t lad” yeah that one was a mistake, ya see I’d begun watching a lot of African American sitcoms so the phrase kinda got stuck in my head, and whenever I witnessed a crime all I would do is stand there and shout out “Oh no she didn’t!”… yep. So anyway I decided it was time I took some time out from solving crime and accomplish my life long dream of following Celine Dion on her world tour. It was magical! Not only did I get to follow the angel that is Celine Dion for three months I also got to witness the world in a way I hadn’t before and as a result I formed a new appreciation for our little blue planet and came to the stark realisation that we’re fucking it up! This was it, I’d had an epiphany, I finally knew what to do with rest of my life, I was going to join forces with Al Gore and save the planet! We were a great team. Together we would go door-to-door distributing energy saving bulbs and encourage people to recycle. Despite our best efforts however people still weren’t concerned about the state of the planet. So that’s why in 2006 we alerted everyone to the dangers of climate change in the hard hitting documentary “an inconvenient truth”. Ok admittedly he did all the talking but what you didn’t know is that I put the PowerPoint presentation together, so yeah!

The Superhero CV

Paul Hickson

Norwich, United Kingdom

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