The Rant 2

You will not believe this! I just went to watch a highly informative Youtube video on skateboarding monkeys, and to my surprise the popular 80’s singer Rick Astley appeared on screen, singing his number 1 hit song Never gonna give you up. I’m not gonna lie, I super love that song, in fact it’s in my Itunes library filed under the playlist ‘Gettin’ my groove on’ right alongside ‘Dancing Queen’ and ‘Don’t stop believin’; however despite that, it wasn’t a video of Primates pulling off sweet ass moves on a skateboard… I know right, what are they gonna do next?! So in my confusion I decided to solve this mystery and discovered that this is a phenomenon known as ‘Rickrolling’. According to Wikipedia, to be ‘Rickrolled’ is a form of prank through misrepresentation. Well you can imagine, I was furious! Just so you know, there are three things I dislike above all other things in this world and that’s Rainy days and Mondays and being pranked, which means I have an immense hatred for that prankster Ashton Kutcher, you’re not funny! Oh and by the way, you completely ruined Two and half men for me! You know what? I bet he’s responsible for this ‘Rickrolling’ thing! Yeah, this has his name all of it! Which begs the question, where does it end Ashton? Where? Next we’ll find out that it was you who caused the economic crisis! Wow that would be one crazy episode of Punk’d! I can just imagine it! “Yo wassup! I’m Ashton Kutcher and welcome to Punk’d! On this week’s episode, I’m gonna punk… everybody! By plunging the entire world into financial meltdown! I am one crazy dude!” It’s gotta stop man! I mean if I want to watch the awesomeness that is Rick Astley I will, when I want to! But not when I’ve got a hankering for some monkey extreme sports! So please, stop with the pranking and let us live in peace, secure in the knowledge that any time we click on a Youtube video, we wont be mislead as to it’s content. I mean it’s just as bad as those misleading movie titles such as Chariots of fire, which after viewing, was left feeling somewhat disappointed by the lack of erm… Chariots of fire, I mean what the hell?! It was just about a bunch blokes running around for 2 hours! But that’s nothing compared to the time I sat down to watch that Clint Eastwood film Million dollar baby. With a title like that I naturally assumed it was a comedy about a baby who inherits a million dollars and spends it all on pacifiers and toys, but oh no, I could not be more wrong, instead it was Hillary Swank… boxing… I know right! What the hell?! I was super angry! So angry in fact I wrote a rather irate letter to Mr Eastwood to complain and told him what the movie should have been about… I never heard back from him, he’s probably too busy making more films with misleading titles such as ‘Deadly asteroid strike!’ A romantic comedy about two friends, who go off to India to find themselves; and Cute Furry Critters, a violent gangster movie starring Al Pacino and Leonardo DiCaprio. Oh talking of Leonardo DiCaprio, I’m getting pretty sick of him and his friends incepting my dreams, and planting ideas in my head like “Justin Bieber is awesome!” Look DiCaprio, not everyone is a fan of the Bieber Ok! Just because you are, doesn’t mean I have to be ok! It has to stop! I can’t sleep on Public transport anymore out of fear of being incepted again… and also the fear of missing my stop. Last time, I woke up and I was in Matthew McConaughey’s living room; which I guess you could say is slightly weird, although it did give me the opportunity to ask him why he always takes his shirt off in all of his movies, to which he responded “Because I’m Matthew McConaughey” I know right, how smug is that?! He’s even more smug than one of those new Smart phones like the Iphone, that can do everything. “Oh yeah I can do everything, I have a web browser for internet access via my wifi connection, Satellite navigation, touch screen technology, an 8 mega pixel camera that shoots both photos and video and I play music. What can you do?” “Erm… I can burp the alphabet”. It’s funny, they’re not so tough when they need their battery charging and they do that dramatic dying routine like in some Hollywood film “I don’t… think I’m gonna… make it, Im so cold, so very cold, I’ve got less than 10% battery left man… I can’t… feel my legs, I don’t have any legs!! Oh cruel world! Why oh why did you not charge my battery sooner! Come… closer… Tell little Nokia 3210… I won’t be coming home for… Christmas”. What the hell was all that? We should be like “well if you’re so smart, why don’t you charge yourself!” Oh and those E-reading Kindles are just as bad, only when their battery is about to die, they go for more of the theatrical Shakespearian approach… which they download. I’ve never understood the point of a kindle; I mean what’s wrong with the good old-fashioned book? And don’t say paper cuts! Because at least you don’t have to charge a book up every 3 hours and doesn’t die on you when you’re about to find out “who done it?” And another thing, books are great for standing on as a way to reach high shelves! However, try standing on a kindle to reach the super unreachable cookie jar your mum strategically places on the top shelf, and it breaks, so then you not only have a mess to clean up you’re also hungry! Plus it takes like 4 kindles to even get to the thickness of the master of cookie jar reaching technology, The Yellow pages. Have you seen the TV advert for Kindle? There’s just a man telling a woman how awesome his Kindle is and that it’s so much better than her handbag “I bet you couldn’t fit many books in that handbag” “What?” “I said I bet you couldn’t fit many books in that handbag” “I don’t know, Probably not” “…well my Kindle can fit 1,400 books Inside it!” “Really? That’s nice” “yeah, I’m actually reading The Da Vinci code at the moment… it’s awesome, let me read you an extract… hang on, oh the battery just died…” How bare must his bookshelves be? The only thing that inhabits it is a solitary Kindle and a spider called Tim. If you ask me they made a big mistake ever creating the Kindle! An even bigger mistake than not casting the Vampire from Sesame street in Twilight, I mean he’s a much more convincing vampire than that Robert Pattinson who has like one facial expression in his repertoire, and that’s depressed. I can just imagine the Count in one of the film’s scenes “one boring depressed teenager ah ah aah, two boring depressed teenagers ah ah aah, three boring depressed teenagers ah ah aah.” They all look like the most miserable people on the planet, just imagine trying to make conversation with them “So, do you like… Cats?” “No” “I meant the musical” “No” “cool, cool… so do you like… decorative floral tea towels?” “…Yes”.

Ok I’m done now, rant over, I feel so much better now, come to think of it I don’t even remember why I was angry in the first place… oh well, I’m sure it was nothing, now, time for some Skateboarding monkeys on Youtube!

The Rant 2

Paul Hickson

Norwich, United Kingdom

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