The Rant 3

Hey… er… I just wanted to take this opportunity to erm… to just apologise to the virtual crowd that attended the Wii ping pong match earlier today. You see I got a little angry when I lost and erm… I caused a bit of a scene which I very much regret. I’d especially like to apologise to my virtual opponent, who was subjected to a tirade of insults and foul language upon my defeat. I am deeply sorry for my actions. No virtual Wii character should have to suffer that sort of abuse… no matter how ridiculous they look with their weird floating heads and their stupid smug faces that you just wanna punch – sorry, sorry I got a bit carried away there, this is an apology. Ahem, in addition I’d also like to apologise to the virtual crowds who attended the golf, bowling, basketball, cycling, canoeing, Frisbee, baseball, tennis and archery events. Again I got somewhat angry when failing to win at said events. Lastly I’d like to apologise to my Nintendo Wii, which as I speak is strewn all over the garden in a million pieces after I kinda… hit it with a sledgehammer as they say. Yeah ya know what? I’m not gonna lie, it felt fantastic! in fact it turns out “smash up the Wii” is the only Wii game I’m good at. I wonder if “epic rage sledgehammer Wii smash” is covered under the warranty? it isn’t?! Oh come on! Even from the grave it’s annoying me! It’s not my fault they make their games so infuriatingly difficult. Ya know what? I would go as far as to say this is even more infuriating than losing the bar of soap when you’re in the bath. As soon as it slips out of your hands and lands into that bath water it’s like it disappears into another dimension! Every so often you’ll feel it brush against your leg like a fish in a lake but when you try and find it it’s nowhere to be seen! It’s like the Loch Ness monster; there’ve been sightings of it but nothing conclusive, only blurred grainy images. It’s only when you get out of the bath and let all the water out that you finally catch sight of it. You start shouting at it like a parent shouting at their teenage son or daughter for being out after 10pm “Where the hell have you been?! Do you have any idea what time it is? I had to wash my face with a block of butter! butter! I kept eating it! I’m supposed to be on a diet but I guess that’s gone out the window thanks to you! Next bath time I’m putting you on a leash!” Then after bath time you go to get into bed only to find a freaking spider under the covers! Yeah a spider! I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed this, but anytime you catch a spider somewhere it shouldn’t be they always do that whole innocent routine like nothing’s happened…
“Oh… hey, how’s it erm… how’s it going?”
“What are you doing in my bed?”
“Oh… this is your bed? Oh… I see… Ya know what? now you mention it, I didn’t think this looked like my web…”
Spiders are annoying at the best of times but I’ve this one particularly annoying spider living in my house at the moment. Wherever I go there he is! He’s in my bed, he’s in the bathroom, he’s even in the food cupboard! As soon as I open the doors he’s like, “Hey… so I couldn’t help but notice erm… you’re running dangerously low on Corn flakes…”
I even get drunk phone calls from him late at night…
“Hey, what’s goin’ on buddy?! What… what are you er… what are you doin’?”
“It’s 2am what do you think I’m doing?”
“Hey, hey so I gotta… I gotta tell you something. This lameass moth right, bet me ok, he bet me, that I couldn’t drink an entire six pack of… of… of beer, but guess what? I did it! I totally drank like the whole… like the whole thing dude! It was awesome you shoulda… you shoulda been there man!”
“Great, great, good for you I’m going back to sleep now”
“Wait, wait… could you erm… could you come pick me up? I don’t feel so good”
I didn’t ask for him to move in he just sort of showed up one evening out of the blue and disrupted my life. But you know what the most annoying part of it is? I seem to get a face full of web wherever I go, such as the garden shed where I’m always greeted by a spider web in the face as I walk through the door. He’s all apologetic about it but it’s such a nuisance…
“Aw dude, I am so effing sorry man, I like totally thought you were a fly just then!”
“It’s fine”
“No, no it’s not fine ok I dropped the ball man, I dropped the ball. You’re super kind to let me crash here. I assure you it will not, I repeat will not happen again, you have my word…”
A little while later I’m walking into the kitchen when boom I get another web in the face…
“Son of a bitch!”
“Aw man I am so sorry!”
“How many webs do you need?!”
“I am so, so sorry, are you ok? My bad dude I totally messed up again! Look to make it up to you, I wanna take you out to dinner”
“You don’t have any money!”
“Erm… yeah I know, that’s why I was kinda hoping you’d… ya know… foot the bill”
That’s when I finally asked him to leave; he didn’t take it too well. He called me a spider hater and then stormed off to the food cupboard. That’s another thing that annoys me, I can never think of a good insult as a comeback when I want one. I’m always like “Well you sir are a…er… a… erm…” and by the time I do finally think of one they’ve already gone. It’s kinda like when you’re driving and someone cuts you up and you can never seem to find the damn horn! By the time you do, that person is already at their destination bragging on Twitter about how they cut up some loser in a crappy, beat up Ford fiesta. Oh yeah that reminds me what’s up with the 140 character limit when writing a Twitter status? There are more Disney characters than that! I can’t possibly say what I want in just 140 characters! I mean it takes me at least 141 characters to say anything remotely meaningful. Stupid Twitter! Ya know who doesn’t like Twitter? Birds. Yeah, ask any bird and they’ll say the same thing “Pff Twitter? whatever, we were tweeting before it was trendy #birdsdontliketwitter” And what’s more Twitter is on mobile phones now, yeah, it’s like they’ve said “how can we make the most annoying thing ever? I know lets combine Twitter with mobile phones!” So that means people can post uninteresting Twitter updates like “just ate a sandwich” on the go now! yay! Yeah because that’s just what we needed right up there alongside alternative renewable energy sources. Mobile phones just drive me crazy. Granted they’re useful in emergencies and avoiding conversations with that really annoying guy at work by pretending you’re on the phone; but they also have the adverse affect of turning certain people into complete and utter douchebags. For instance you’ve got those people who are so proud of their phone they want the whole world to know it. So they do that whole “I can’t get a signal” routine when in actual fact they’re just showing off their new phone to everybody. They’re like “Oh I can’t get a signal I better hold it up in the air… yep everybody getting a good look at it? Oh no I still can’t get a signal, I better stand on this chair to get even higher and also for those at the back to get a good look… God I love my new phone” Now that I think about it, why do people hold up their phones to get a signal in the first place? The satellite is all the way up there in space, so does holding up the phone that extra 2 feet really make that much of a difference? That’s like trying to read a licence plate on a car that’s all the way in China and walking two feet closer to try and get a better look. Ya know what? I think it might be a little unfair to blame the phone users for acting like jackasses because it’s not their fault; It’s the phone’s fault! Yeah ever since they started calling mobile phones “smart phones” they’ve become unbelievably arrogant and sanctimonious! Actually isn’t sanctimonious the name of a mobile phone company? I for one know that phones aren’t as “smart” as they think they are. Take predictive text for example, where the phone predicts what word you’re trying to spell as you’re typing it and automatically inserts it into the sentence for you. That sounds like a great idea; the only problem is they’re about as good at predicting things as an inebriated weatherman! I mean I’ll be writing a text message and spelling the word “tomorrow” when the predictive text will cut in and be like "Ok, I can see so far you’ve typed “tomorro” so using my super psychic predicting powers I predict the word you’re trying to spell is… sexy lingerie; Yeah I know amaze even myself sometimes, you’re welcome." It’s epically bad and not only that, it seems to have a really dirty mind because nearly every word it predicts is related to sex! You would not believe the embarrassing text messages I’ve mistakenly sent thanks to my phone’s dirty minded predictive text…

Intended message:
Hi Rachael, I heard you broke up with your boyfriend, I’m really sorry it didn’t work out. If you need someone to talk to I’m always around, hope you’re well :)

Actual message:
Hi Rachael, can I fondle your boobies and tickle your bum with a feather duster? If you need someone to lather chocolate moose all over your bare stomach and lick it off I’m always around, hope you’re well :)

Yeah this er… this actually happened. When I read the message back I quickly tried to text her again to apologise but… that message came out just as dirty as the first one. I should really read my text messages before I send them… Yeah Rachael doesn’t erm… doesn’t really talk to me anymore… yeah…

Jeez I feel so depressed now! I know what’ll cheer me up, Nintendo Wii!…

The Rant 3

Paul Hickson

Norwich, United Kingdom

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