Top 10 things to say before a fight

1. You should know I have a gym membership… so… well I mean I filled most of the forms out and everything but I haven’t ya know handed it in yet… but I fully intend to… at some point… as soon as I get over my fear of treadmills.

2. Woah, woah! just take it easy buddy! I did one of those “Adopt a Tiger” things a few weeks back not just because it’s the right thing to do but also for when I’m in a confrontation like this one I can be all like “Hey come at me bro, I’m the adoptive father of a Bengal tiger, yeah he’ll get ya!” Well I mean he lives in the Himalayas but ya know if you should somehow find yourself there, you better sleep with one eye open homes!

3. Before we fight you should know I have every single episode of Walker Texas ranger on tape so… I pretty much know Kung fu… and yep my back bedroom is chock-full with video tapes of Walker Texas ranger. Not only that I also have every episode of Dynasty piled throughout the rest of the house. I literally cannot move in my house without bumping into Joan Collins or Chuck Norris.

4. Hey erm before we fight I just need to know, er will there be some sort of intermission at some point ya know for the using of the toilet facilities? It’s just that being in a fight always makes me wanna pee like one of those Rhinos you see on the Discovery channel.

5. There are three things I love above all other things, and that’s poetry, the fresh smell of daisies on a summer’s morn and kicking your ass… Oh and Downton Abbey. Ok 4 things… but then again I am also partial to a piece of Gingerbread from time to time. Ok, ok there are 5 things that I love more than anything else, one of which is kicking your ass, ok yeah we got there in the end ok let’s fight… ah d’ya know what? I probably should have mentioned the sweet sweet sound of the Lionel Richie on that list of “things I love above all other things one of which is kicking your ass list” ah dammit, is it too late to add it or has the trash talk part of the fight ended now?

6. Hey, ya know that film Rocky? Yeah? Well it’s loosely based on my life… and by loosely I mean none of it.

7. Back in High school everybody used to call me “The Hammer”… not because I was tough but because I accidentally hit my hand with a hammer in woodwork class once… They never let me use another tool after that which made building that bird box rather difficult. There was me trying to cut wood with a felt tip pen.

8. Before we fight there’s one thing you should know… I’ve been to jail… yeah… yeah that’s right I’ve served some serious time man! yeah when you serve time in Monopoly jail you come out a different person. You know how long I was in there? 8 whole minutes! that’s right. The entire time thinking to myself, “why oh why did I roll that 5?” Even as my sentence was being read out “Go straight to jail, do not pass Go, do not collect £200” I wished I could go back and stop myself from rolling it… but I couldn’t. I had to pay for what I done… Haha family game night is so much fun! Next week we’re playing Hungry hungry hippos in the style of the hunger games.

9. You wouldn’t hit a guy with glasses would you? Wait a minute… aw damn it! The one night I wear my contacts.

10. Hey I’ve seen West Side Story like 15 times so I know some moves… Unfortunately most of them are erm… dance moves.

Top 10 things to say before a fight

Paul Hickson

Norwich, United Kingdom

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