How to become a successful insomniac

How to become a successful insomniac

There are many insomniacs in virtually all communities. There are long ones, tall ones, short and cute ones, gender ones and gender none’s, rich and poor, and many more. Most are amateur insomniacs (they do not get paid for it). As soon as one overtires, sleep creeps in, and there goes the reputation. To excel in the craft of ‘insomniacing’ X), one must apply discipline and purpose.

X) (this word is yet to be added to the wealth of words lingo books contain, as sticker on the appropriate page)

Be considerate to the ones who are not blessed with a 24/7/365 time system. If they need sleep, let them, watch them if you like, give as long as possible a head start to all the ‘un-insomniacally-inclined’ (another word is born).

Here is a little self-test, to see if you have it in you, to become a professional ‘insomniacer’ (words sprout new specimens). Set the alarm clock to 2 minutes from now, I mean, let the alarm go off in two minutes. Crouch down on the starting line to sleep (like in the Olympics, before the gun pops for a 100m dash). Be safety conscious; don’t trip over the drooping eyelids or the sacks that sag below the eyes.

Visualise the race ahead, it’s not 100m, we both know that, it’s a cruelling long distance climb, breathe slow and deep, charge the blood with oxygen, you will need it all and more. Saturate it, if you can. You are barefoot, each race is run barefoot, that are the rules. No one wears shoes in bed. See the track in your mind, the track is littered with nails, broken glass chips, splintery things, each gravel stone sharpened (as per rules), sharp edges, some seen, some not. This is ahead, you know it well. Fear no pain, enjoy, you are alive. Laurel waits at the other end. Laurel will cost you; prepare to pay your dues. Focus, silence, calm, last moments of void…

Hear the ticking of the clock’s second handle. If it sounds like a tick, tick, tick, you are not paying attention. You must hear it as door slamming, bang, bang, bang, you got it. Prime yourself, charge all senses… bang, ready, bang, set, bang, GO!!!!!

Swing the starting arm hard down, bash the alarm into silence, sleep NOW, faster, you’re loosing ground, nail number one got you, missed it, come on, we don’t have all day, how does that splinter feel? If you don’t pay attention it’s going to hurt, ha ha ha. I knew you are going to trip here, sleep faster, I can’t feel a thing. Gosh you are good, 16 nails, 5 bits of broken glass and 3 splinters. A piece of advice, avoid them all, else you will not reach the laurel. In another 2 minutes, your foot will swell. The more bits you pick up, the more it looks like a porcupine, it will hurt. I would love to help you carry pain, I just can’t stand it, not even laying down, I wagged school when the subject came up, I never studied pain in my life, I am not qualified to carry pain, I’d spill it all over the tracks. So glad you are here, does it hurt much? Faster, sleep, you are falling behind, hurry, watch out, here, there, everywhere. Sleeplessness can cause more pain than hunger and thirst combined, so you are already very tough, conditioned to endure. Catch up, what is holding you back, you’ve done just measly 4 minutes, you’re still going strong, only 476 minutes to go.

See that minute little peak in the distance? We are almost there. Sleep faster, deeper, get that adrenalin pumping, here swallow a bottle of oxygen, burn, sleep, go, go, go. Watch out, oh, that must have hurt, no time to ponder, run, sleep. Sleep must be earned, no laurels for nothing, effort becomes effortless, trust me, you can be the best, you are… ouch, sorry, I didn’t mean to laugh… you are the best, the… the… the… only one, you will not surrender, you will sleep despite all agony, you will rise above all earthly qualms, have some coffee, have a smoke, you will… where did he go? Am I talking to myself? Where is he? Excuse me; I’m the coach for the guy that is supposed to win, where did he go? Ah, it’s OK; I think I can see him.

Thought thought, thought brought, there you are. What on earth do you think you’re doing? Balling your eyes out, a wee bit of pain and it’s ‘I want my mummy’ time. Look at your heart, only 99, you must have lost a digit, no man can sleep with that. 120, 150, 180 that’s what we want. Here, 9 espressos, they will fix it, yes, all at once. Blood pressure, you are running on flat tires, 150 over 99, what’s that supposed to be? No way are you going to win with that. Keep the last espresso ‘til after, have this first, yes, the whole bag of salt, swallow, get it down. I know it’s hard, you can do it. Imagine it is vanilla custard, easy, it sloshes as once exogenous past oesophagus, done, splash. Now flush it with the last espresso. Let’s have another check, 287/173, heart at 184 beautiful, how could you loose? Impossible, sleep, go, go, go, sleep faster, catch up and overtake all the others.

You’re eyes are bulging out, beautiful, like a fiery stallion, you will sleep deep and long, let’s go, do it, sleep. Just remember, the winner is the one closest to the finish line, not to the starting line, move it, move it, move it. Didn’t I tell you to watch every step you do? How can you sleep when you’re dreaming, you must keep your eyes open, 5 minutes already, you’re doing so well, don’t give up now, not again, 5.5 minutes, out of puff, well, pack up, we’ll try again a little later. We are going to find some sleep even if it kills us.

It is time to stagger to the letterbox. Better pull your eyelids over your head, or you will miss it. Ah, a letter, from, oh, the ‘Professional Insomniacs Association’. What do they want?

Dear applicant,

we sincerely regret to inform of your failure to be accepted into our Society, at this point in time. Should you happen to die from your affliction, we would only be too pleased to reconsider, and most likely accept your request for membership, as there are currently no Professional Insomniacs alive. Try as you may, try as you will, no Professional Insomniac can be alive, by default; such is the worthiness of our degree, issued henceforth via decree. This is part of the Society’s ruling. Claiming to be a Professional Insomniac, whilst still alive, is against our Society’s Charta and looked upon with low esteem. We admire your enthusiasm in trying to become a Professional Insomniac and wish you much success in the future. As long as you remain awake, in an uninterrupted manner, rest assured, interruption will set in. In other words, the longer you avoid sleep, the sooner it will come, permanently.

Cost of PIA Membership is free, (upon you qualifying for such, and being accepted) and we are pleased to announce to continue this during 2009. We wish to make you aware (forgive our lie, we MUST make you aware) of a recent taxation ruling, which is based on legal clarification, and the decision based thereupon the taxation department has adopted and is forthwith enforcing. Please do not nictitate now. VAT (value added tax), calculated at the current rate, to the value of your life, at death, is payable upon your death, since in the legal definition PIA Membership is free, but is condition of you being dead. This, the costing of your life, becomes exchange of goods, with value attached, that will necessitate its taxing. As they say, death and taxes…

Sincerely….bla…bla

Grrrrrr… Dzzzzzz… Grrrrrrr… Dzzzzz…

What’s this noise?

Grrrrrr… Dzzzzzz… Grrrrrrr…

I don’t believe it, “WAKE UP, WAKE UP!!!!!!!”

We were so close…

Please do not try any of the above solutions at home. The above treatments are sheer madness, shared with you under poetic license, in a tongue in cheek look to see the world from a different view. Treatments can and will result in death or severe disability. Should you suffer from any such sleep disorder, seek the guidance of your medical professional. The writer does not promote the content as medical solution or glory for eternity.

© Heinz Ross, Gold Coast, Australia
22 Jan 2009

How to become a successful insomniac

Heinz

Joined August 2008

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