John Mulaney

Happyvarmints

Joined April 2016

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Artist's Description

“I tolerate any treatment. Like I travel alone sometimes, and I’ll put up with anything. I’ll book a ticket on some garbage airline – you know, I don’t wanna name an actual airline so let’s just make one up; let’s call it ‘Delta Airlines.’ So I’ll book a ticket on ‘Delta Airlines’ and I’ll show up at the airport and I’ll go, ‘Can I get on the plane now, please?’ And they go, ‘No. It’s delayed nine hours.’ And I go, ‘Okaaay!’ And then I go to the bathroom. And then I come out of the bathroom and I go, ‘Any updates?’ and they go ‘Yeah, we took off while you were in the bathroom. Because we hate you. Now take this meal voucher that doesn’t work, go fetch!’ And I go ‘Okaaay!’ and I go over to the Wolfgang Puck Express and go, ‘Can I have a sandwich please?’ and they go ‘NO!’ And I go ‘Okaaay!’ And they go, ‘You’re a little fat girl, aren’t you?’ And I go ‘Nooo,’ and they go ‘SAY IT!’ and I go ‘I’m a little fat girl.’ And then I go over to the Delta Help Desk, which is an oxymoron, and I go, ‘Can I please go home on an airplane?’ and they go ‘No! In fact, we’re gonna frame you for murder! And you’re gonna go to jail for thirty years!’ And I go ‘Why are you doing this to me?!’ And they go, ‘Because we’re Delta Airliiines, and life is a fucking nightmare!’”
-New in Town, J. Mulaney

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