Excrement in Excelsis

Celebrity culture has long drawn the fawning attention of the hoi polloi and with good reason. The celebrity embodies much of what the average person would desire in life: preternaturally good looks, wealth, acclaim, similarly-blessed romantic partnerings, and access to a lifestyle of seemingly endless excess and leisure. The celebrity helps regular folk lead aspirational lives through the setting of trends while remaining in their highest caste. Whether a hairdo, catchphrase, or fashion accessory that is to be copied, or something as complex as devotion to a niche religion, altruistic cause, or foreign tax haven, celebrities model conduct which is at the height of sophistication.

There are also unsavory aspects to celebrity behaviour which can defy the traditional concept of fabulous. This range of conduct is a delicate balance of calamity and composure. The half-hearted suicide attempt, air rage, wardrobe malfunction, hissy fit, drunk-driving conviction, internet sex tape, repeated rehab stays, projectile phone, or pantyless upskirt photo are all examples of conduct that could associate the average person with lowlife status. Employed with aplomb, celebrities can judiciously exercise these and maintain a profile in the stratosphere, provided that they do not model them to the point of audience fatigue.

In this area of endeavour, the boundaries must regularly be tested to be fresh and avant-garde. New techniques and apparatuses are every day being developed in the greater celebrity laboratory so that our lives might remain unspectacular by comparison.

First introduced at Cannes, there is an ingenious new star trend that may have escaped the attention of most adoring onlookers, interviewers, and paparazzi alike. This is perhaps the most subtle custom to have emerged in years and requires a trained eye. It is the purposeful soiling of one’s pants. Sharting, use the common parlance. But do not mistake it for an uncouth loss of self-control; this is of the highest order: small-scale bowel voiding and admirable recovery.

The latest trend can be illustrated in the following scenario: a star puts down their champagne flute and proceeds to the restroom, only to return minutes later to resume their parade in front of the telephoto lenses. Did you miss what happened?

This is where all powers of observation are to be brought to the fore. Provided that something did happen in the last few moments, there has to be evidence of a celebrity miraculously (and stylishly!) triumphing over adversity. This notification will be served by what the star in question emerged from the toilet with in hand: a small, purse-like object that carries their now-soiled undergarment.

The most daring designers have crafted a piece of small, personal luggage that could accommodate these very specific needs. The French have dubbed it the valise de petites culottes, or VPC for short. The English-language colloquialism for this is the vipsie.

The top fashion houses are now hurrying into production vipsies of endless variety, in rich fabrics and leathers, brocaded and bejeweled for all tastes. For men, there is the dignified briefs-case, which is more function and less glamour, so to speak. The ultra-celebrities more attuned to Hip-Hop culture have also been catered to with the knickerlocker, already cruelly reduced to the knicksie, which comes in stately Kevlar or dripping with gold links.

The eagle-eyed observer will be noting in the coming year that one can’t have a red carpet procession, orphanage visit, benefit concert, landmine symposium or awards show without the subtle presence of the vipsie. For those of discerning tastes, only the very best will do. Anything less is just shitting your pants.

Excrement in Excelsis


Toronto, Canada

  • Artist

Artist's Description

This piece of scatalogical satire may be distasteful to those with delicate constitutions. If you are made uncomfortable by the irreverent discussion of bodily functions and specifically the elimination of waste, this attempt at humour will almost certainly fail to entertain you.

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