All My Fears

Once apron a time my life’s fears were spiders
How things have changed for spiders and I;
We have not come to an understanding
But perspective have set in, I have an understanding of earth shattering fear now.
My son nearly died and if he doesn’t get the therapy he needs right now his life will be irrevocably damaged for the rest of his life.

Angry, I can’t begin……

I know the doctors have to prepare for worst they say 80% of health returning is faith.
Recently I have found faith in a program but am still having trouble relinquishing my will to theirs.

The people who ran their SUV into my son, doing about 80 km/hour and sent him spinning twice in the air to land on his head unconscious and fighting for his life deserve forgiveness and compassion, We cannot give it to them until they come forward and ask for it.

I had to push my 26 year old, brain injured son from the nest this last week. He went to a program to re-teach him life skills and the art of living and remembering. He is angry, upset and feeling deserted by his mother. He called twice today and I didn’t pick up. It is killing me. He was accepted into a program run by a saint and facilitated by an angel. This program is not widely known but comes with credentials that would rock the world of any loving caregiver.

After two interviews and a visit to the residence, he was accepted. After a week in he wants to come home, and herein lays the problem. He misses mom. If we talk on the phone it sets the program back days, because my son thinks, mom will sweep in and take names; adamant on punishing those who made him uncomfortable.

My dilemma is that he has always had to call mom to fix things that were circumstances of our lives since he was 8 years old. He has continued this process for life changing dilemmas. Every one involved wants Doug’s life to change, back to a place where he can be happy and take care of himself. The process of change involves Doug embracing the program, separating from me temporarily and believing in others.

For this to happen he has to believe that I am unavailable. I am hoping he will hold onto the years of love I have given him and know that this has not changed; I am only trying to help him.

Tonight he tried to call three times, finally leaving a message, that all is good, and that he had made his Beef Stroganoff for the entire group, he sounded proud and wanted praise from me, I will give it to him on Sunday when we can speak again. My soul is crying. I know he thinks he needs me, but he needs them more at this particular juncture in his life.

Douglas and God forgive me.

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