As hot as you want....

Ok, I live the dream. Others may think about it, you may be looking at the brass ring, but I am here ladies and gentlemen to tell you I am living it. What is the dream you ask? What could I possibly be talking about? What does every Canadian need and desperately want? You have thought about it, I know you have. Let me start this story from the beginning.

It was September and the leaves were beginning to fall gently from the trees. That aroma of sap is in the air and for the first time, the very first time you feel that sharpness in the air, you know winter is coming. It’s coming with snow, ice, wind and cold. Oh so very cold. The kind of cold that has you double-layering your socks, warming up your car for an hour, during up the fire, stealing heat from your cat despite her protests. It’s that cold that creeps into your bones the first few minutes you get out to your car. It’s that cold you think about when you are curled up in your bed all snugglily and warm. Who wants to venture out of the warmth of a nice bed and into the cold? Not me I tell you! I was going to do something about this. I am not going through another cold winter I tell you so I begin my search.

What is it? What am I looking for you ask? What could solve this problem for mankind you ask? Why look no more folks – its heated clothing. I started my search in September across the Internet. Just think about it, 10 years ago I would not had the internet and been able to perform this type of search. I would have had to make my own heated clothing and don’t think I didn’t think about. I mean all you would have to do is modify an electric blanket but I could never figure out the power conversion methods and how long the power cord would have to be.

I shared my search with my friends. Even this stopped them dead in their tracks. After being with me for so long they didn’t even know what to think.

“Um, what do you mean by a heated jacket?”
“You aren’t going to make this yourself are you? Please tell you aren’t going to make this yourself”

Yee of little faith. Sometimes it was just stares of incomprehensibility. Then I would tell them the story. Think about it. If you could take that warm furry feeling you have in the morning and carry it into work would you?

“Um, sure, maybe, but I think my wife would object.”
“Not that you dork.”

To a man, every single one of my friends wanted to see this for themselves. They were picturing me walking down the sidewalk in a cloud of steam as I put off enough heat to melt the snow – interesting.

I found the website. They sell gloves, jackets, hats, pants, socks and underwear. Cool, underwear, I never thought about heating up the unmentionables – after all I am pretty hot. Well, I must be something she still stays with me. Maybe its pity nobody else would have me. I find perfection on the web.

  • Heating pads on the chest, back, collar, and sleeves.
  • Compressible, water-repellent, durable, Thinsulate® insulation.
  • Teflon® coated, wind-resistant, soft nylon shell.
  • Inside and outside pockets.
  • Form-fitting patterns and sizing to fit snugly and easily under your outer garments.
  • Glove plug pockets placed on the sleeves secure the plugs when not in use.
  • Lifetime warranty on the heating elements.

Heating elements? Teflon? OMG! I am sold. So I get the underwear, gloves, pants, jacket and socks. Then I look over the batteries, lets see.

  • NiMH 4.0ah Battery 1.2 lbs, 6.5″ × 2.5″ × 0.5″
  • NiMH 2.7ah Battery .9 lbs, 6.5″ × 2″ × 0.5″
  • NiMH 9.2ah Battery 4.5lbs, 8.6”x4” x 1.5”
  • NiMH Charger Input 110V AC, Output 12V DC

Ok so I got the 9.2ah battery. Go big or go home. I forgot to read the fine print. They expect you to mount this battery on you snowmobile or motorcycle. Good thing I have been working out.

I also forget one little thing which will become very important later. What can I say, I am very excited and want the stuff as soon as possible. Technology can solve everything. I order it all up and wait.

The package comes in when I am on vacation so I have to go down to UPS and pick it up and I bring it home.

“What’s that?” This is the significant other talking to me. I am sure she just wants to know for the insurance company.

“It’s heated clothing.”

I didn’t tell her I was ordering it so it was a little surprise.

“It’s what?”

“It’s heated clothing, you know, plug it in and it heats you up?”

“Well finally something to help you out.”


She shakes her head and walks away. There is no sense in talking me out of this the package has arrived and I am much too excited to listen to reason at this point. Ok, here is the pants, gloves, socks, jacket and underwear. Um, waterproof underwear. Didn’t think I would need this until my 80’s. Ah, well, everything’s going to be nice and toasty. I plug my jacket in just as my son is coming into the room.

“Dad, why are you plugging your jacket in?”
“Cause it doesn’t have solar panels.” Oh, solar panels now there is an idea.
“Don’t you think people will think your nuts dad?”

I put my arm around my son and draw him close.

“Listen son, people have formed their opinion about your father a long time ago, remember the lawnmower incident?”

He nods his little head.

“Well, nothing I do is going to change their minds now is there?”

He nods his head again.

“So I may as well do whatever I am going to do right?”

He nods his head and gets the same look as my wife. A little pity and slight smile at the same time. It only hurts the ones you love. The cat doesn’t even bother to come and see me – quitter.

The following morning I unplug my jacket from the wall socket and get ready for my first test drive of the unit. Hmm, doesn’t seem to have a place for the battery, looks like I will have to carry it. I put on the jacket, socks, gloves and um, um, the underwear and plug myself in. Now, I know what iron man feels like. I think to myself, if it ever rains I am going off like popcorn. One big kapow and there is nothing left. There is enough juice going through me to light up a city block. As I step onto the veranda, the snow melts. I have triumphed over nature – it’s a good day to be alive.

I get into the car feeling nice and toasty warm. Mission accomplished.

Then the jacket really heats up, and I forgot one little thing.

Portable Temp-Controller

  • Dial in your level of comfort.
  • Digital controller insures that your heated clothing uses only as much power as requested.
  • Wires are UL listed and completely safe, in all weather conditions.
  • Two-Year Warranty.
  • Attach this controller to any solid object with Velcro®, or attach to your belt with our convenient, optional clip-on case.

So the jacket, gloves, socks and underwear heat up to maximum temperature and let me tell you some areas have never seen that kind of heat since I went to college (hope my wife doesn’t read this). I roll my windows down and take off the gloves. Its minus 6 outside and I feel like a pop tart. I wave to passing motorists – they think I am nuts.

As I am driving down the hill to work, I forgot another important fact. The wiring on the jacket hooks into the gloves as now hooked up to my steering wheel. Making it impossible to make the turn. If I can’t make the sharp right turn I am going straight through the intersection and into the park. I am going straight through the intersection and into the park, at least I will die warm and toasty. I can see it now.

“He can’t be dead, he is still warm.” The corner shakes his head and walks away.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGG” I am tugging at the jacket, the wiring and the battery and at the same time, the system is continuing to heat my body. I am sweating like a dog. Rivers of sweat are pouring down my face.

My car shoots directly across the park, over the hill and rests by the tree. By that point, the cops have found me. The car has stopped and my head is on the steering wheel. This is my forth near death experience in 6 months. A cop taps on my window.

“Sir, could you step out of your vehicle.” I get out and I am still sweating even in the minus 6 temperatures.

“Sir, are you on some kind of drug?” The cop has noticed how much I am sweating, heat is pouring off my body.

“Not exactly.” How on gods green earth do I explain this?

“What does not exactly mean? Should we search you car? What are those wires going back into the car?” I forgot with the huge battery it’s not like I can lug it out during an arrest.

“Um, I have a heated jacket, gloves, socks and underwear?”

“You are wearing heated underwear?” The cop is beginning to smile. This is a new one, he has never heard this one before.

“Ya, and the wires got stuck on the steering wheel.” I was starting to plead my case.

“The wires got stuck on the steering wheel?”

“Ya, and I was trying to get them loose when I went through the intersection. I forgot to get the temperature control.”

“Why are you wearing heated clothing in only minus 6 degree weather?”

“I just got it and I wanted to try it out.” I was still sweating buckets.

“Show me.”

I show him the heated wiring, the battery, the jacket and the gloves. I don’t show him the underwear. Well come on.

“You know I wouldn’t have believed it. I still have to write you up for unsafe driving; does your wife know you are doing this?”

“She knows. She is probably calling our insurance company as we speak.”

I could see it now. The cop would be talking about this one for the next week. Some nutcase wearing heated underwear shooting through the intersection. Ah, well at least I am warm.

Hmm, I wonder it there is a way to boost the heat. Larger battery, more power – you know.

As hot as you want....


Edmonton, Canada

  • Artist
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