the other one

there will be a reckoning….

…..i can still feel his hand stroking the back of my neck, sitting with me as i cried, talking softly, soothingly, generously caring about me after all the times i’d left him to be with another man, one particular other man….he was willing to offer comfort but was unable to sugarcoat the situation for either of us….he never said, i told you so, and even though he must have been dying to say it, i appreciated him for resisting the temptation…he said, this is what happens when you give yourself in intimate ways to strangers, honey…..when you expose your core to someone who doesn’t see the beauty there, you sometimes find yourself wounded down to it….intimate ways, i say…but he did see the beauty, yeah, it just wasn’t enough for him….he was too damaged himself….and your stomach turns….your mind reels….this can’t be all there is, can it…?….not exactly the ending you’d pictured in your mind when it all began….or was it? when you let your primal impulses rule you, you have to expect things like this are going to happen…

i remember wondering, what do i really know about you? big things, little things….your favorite color? your mother’s name? your birthday? your favorite way to spend a winter afternoon…..digging out of a snow bank to spend it with me…..what do i really know? really, really know? i know what you’ll let me know, the rest i have to get through subterfuge, listening at the edges of conversations, extrapolating bits and pieces until i construct a picture that still has a lot of pieces missing….you threw her out, just packed up her stuff into a few boxes and tossed them out into the yard….locked the door and refused to hear her entreaties, just let me explain…. i do know this about you, when you believe you are through then you are through and nothing anyone can say will make a difference to you….that’s what you do…..you packed me up in your mind, tried to throw me out into the yard, too, but for some reason your hand wouldn’t turn loose, you held on, i held on…..

it all looks so much clearer now, and that makes it hurt all the more…the day of reckoning will come, soon he will be unable to sit with me while i cry, will be unable to stomach it any more, one day he’ll pack me up and throw me out into the yard, too, and he will turn loose…..he loves me so and i can’t love him back because i love the other one, that other one who loves me selfishly, who loves me when it’s convenient for him, who loves me for who he thinks i am, not for who i really am….and i will constantly crave him, i will give up everything for him but they will both be gone and i will wind up with nothing….leaving me with a dark gaping hole in my soul where light should be….

the other one

greeneyedlady

Joined March 2008

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