memories and misery

Man, it’s hell when your lover leaves you.
You sit by the window and stare out into nothing. Nothing matters; nothing interests you anymore, except thoughts of him and all you once had. You see a car coming down the street- is that his? Did he somehow change his mind and decide to come back for you? You watch the car, you hold your breath, but as it gets closer you realize it’s the right shape but the wrong color. Your heart sinks when you realize it’s not him. Maybe the next one will be. So you watch some more, and you wait some more.
You try not to sit by the phone, try not to stare at it, try not to will it to ring. You pick it up from time to time, is this thing still working? Yet when it does finally ring, your heart pounds so furiously in your chest you think the veins at your temples are going to explode and you’ll bleed out all over your mom’s favorite living room rug. Maybe this time it’s him, you think, maybe he’s somehow changed his mind and wants to talk now. You answer the phone, pulse racing, only to find a prerecorded voice where you thought your lover’s would be, an annoying voice that sounds like a game show host. No, you don’t care if your car warranty has expired, dammit, you don’t even have a car!! You slam it down quickly so the line will be free, so he can still get through if he wants to, even though you’re really not waiting for him to call, but you want to make it as easy as possible for him to reach you….just in case he wants you back now.
You try not to dream of him, morning, noon and night. You try not to let your loneliness and despair swallow up your entire day. You try not to associate everything that happens to you this day with him, you try not to think of him with every successive song that comes on the radio, you try not to remember him when “your song” plays. You try to turn it off but find you can’t, and soon you’ve pulled out all of those old songs, along with all the pictures and the letters and the special mementos, searching, finding every single thing that reminds you of him, steeping yourself in the memories and the misery, until you realize that once again another entire day has been lost to him, and the night will belong to him too, and he doesn’t know, cause he’s not there, he doesn’t even care.
You try not to think, “this time last week/ last month/last year we were at (insert proper event here_) and we were (_insert proper activity here). You want to let go, you need to let go, this isn’t living, this is torture, he wasn’t your handsome prince, he was just another slimy, ugly frog you had to kiss to find your dream man…..and one bright day, after you’ve allowed yourself to think of someone new, to think about the possibility of feeling romance’s heady rush one more time, you stumble upon someone else, someone wonderful, and the process begins again, but he was a slimy frog, too, and you start to wonder if the problem is with you, and hey, that’s no good, it’s never you, it can’t be you! But still you find yourself that much further down the line, sitting in the front window, watching the cars drive down the street, saying one more time, Man, it’s hell when your lover leaves you….

memories and misery


Joined March 2008

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