How to Secure Great Revenge

People get revenge for many reasons; to some it will be a cold hearted calculated revenge (such as the Lady of the Manor who found out her husband had been squiring another women – so, later, she cut the crotch out of all his Savile Row suits and shared his prized vintage wine cellar with the rest of the village. Leaving costly reds and whites on the doorstep like a milkwoman).

The farmer who sprayed silage and pig manure onto the walls of a North Yorkshire bank for some perceived account misdemeanour.

The cheated spouse who scattered grass seeds on the carpets so her ex could watch them germinate. Or the kippers sewn into curtains?

Revenge is mainly implemented because most of the causes of revenge are affairs of the heart or being cheated out of money in a sour deal. Get even seems to be the priority even if for some, it’s a bit of a Phyrric victory.

Cutting a house and its contents down the middle with a chain saw is a bit extreme and groundless for sales value but for the bloke who did it (a Yankee) he probably felt okay, well, for five minutes but remorseful ever after.

As for me? Revenge is not something I dwell over because it is corrosive, negative and anti-beneficial although, moving on from an emotionally draining experience without wanting to boost a brick through a window is mighty tempting.
Anyway, I might be the recipient of the brick, so best keep it as friendly and as harmless as possible.

Loosening car wheel nuts, slashing bike tyres, cutting washing lines or even brake lines is not revenge; it’s pure criminal intent with reckless endangerment thrown in. I recently had a car jacked up and left on bricks because I’d parked next to the wheelie bins in my residents car park. It puts a crimp on the day when you have to spend an hour in a nice suit on bended knees prising out the bricks to avoid the car sliding off the other ones. This is not revenge because I’d not hurt or inconvenienced anyone; it was pure venal reaction. The opposite to live and let live. Moral and self-rightous indignation. Pratts.

Comedy is to me the best form of revenge. Sarcasm or sardonism where your opponent is laughed at, humiliated but you very rarely get this opportunity if you’ve just been dumped and they have gone 200 miles away to re-start their life without you.

There is one person I’d like to exact cruel revenge and as usual it’s a bullying boss. A small, fat, bald guy (as you’d expect) given a senior position but without the man management skills to form a team that has respect for him.

It’s not fun to be flamed but I stand my ground and I’ll wait. Wait for the moment that everyone needs when they have screwed up royally and they need team mates around them to form the wagons in a circle and put up a collective defence.

When this guy is in need of people to catch him when he’s falling then he’s gong to find all the hands are firmly behind the teams’ backs. And that, is what I’ll do, let him fall flat on his fat ass.

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