On being a writer, my dear reader

On writing

Ahh, just forget it! What’s the point? Why do I bother at all?

Let’s get down to hard old statistical reality.

I know that typing these letters in Times New Roman font 12, is hardly likely to earn me any money. We all know that there are so many writers out there all hoping to live and even more hopefully grow rich from the power of words; that this page will really need to contain something unusually eye-catching and clever to get any publisher’s attention.

To tell the brutally honest truth, we both know that sitting here – me writing and you reading – is conveniently getting us both out of something else we really should be doing. In my case, it’s probably vacuuming the cat hair out of the bedroom carpet and scrubbing the soap scum encrusted like a second skin in the bathroom sink, while hmm, let me guess, in your case it could be avoiding starting that assignment that is due tomorrow, or dealing with that filthy pile on your floor that in spite of its present odourific condition you really regard as your favourite clothes, or having to make up with the unbearable person you’ve just had a fight with (you are still sulking aren’t you?), or worse, going to visit your ghastly in-laws.

But we both want it, don’t we? You know you want me to drop words like alcoholic syrup into a bowl, while you lap them up contented as a cat. No cat has to be socially responsible does it? It can please itself: stay up all night, climb the insect screens, scratch up the curtains and lie on the nice clean pile of washing. No-one tells it to do anything useful or unpleasant.

So let’s pretend shall we?

I’ll pretend we’re going on a long escapist getaway: passionately romantic if you are female or fast-paced action/crime if you are male, seeing those are the top-selling genres for each sex. Yes! that’s better, throw in the ‘sex’ word and you immediately get more reader interest. Watch these words now, swinging to and fro before your captivated eyes: Sex, sex, sex. There – got you! You are mine now. Let me seduce you just a little. It will be quite safe, I assure you. Listen to me. Sit down. Get comfortable. You are feeling very relaxed. You are feeling pleasantly happy. Now read on….

Now like the wordmaster that I am, I will apply my unique and talented imagination just for you. My deft fingers will drip enticingly delicious words in a continuous sizzling spicy stream onto this page for say about two years, while for your part in this bargain, you will read them all, without stopping to move, in a grand and glorious banquet. You will sit here feasting your eyes for about 6 hours, after which you will put down the book and sigh replete with post-book satisfaction, because you are oh so pleasurably tired and there is now no time left to do any housework. Yes! That was so great- utter bliss and real relaxation.

The earth will have moved for both of us. I’ll have completed my basic urge to express myself, and you for your part will have gained the ultimate escapist satisfaction of thrills and adventure without the need for effort or exertion, from the comfort of armchair, hammock or bed. We will both have found a secret intimate relationship of pleasure. You’ll be my greatest fan because I will have stirred memories and emotions in you. I need you so much. Thanks to you, I will be a famous well-read writer at last.

And now, if you don’t mind, can we both get to sleep, because isn’t that what all childhood stories were about –getting us to go to sleep so that our parents could sit down and relax with a book or with eachother? Me, I’ll be dreaming up my next novel. Watch out for it, I’m sure you’ll want to buy it. Why not recommend it to your parents as well.

Sweet dreams, dear reader. I love you. And may I just say in parting, it’s been such a pleasure.

On being a writer, my dear reader


Rockhampton, Australia

  • Artist

Artist's Description

satire on the peculiarly intimate relationship of writer and reader

desktop tablet-landscape content-width tablet-portrait workstream-4-across phone-landscape phone-portrait
desktop tablet-landscape content-width tablet-portrait workstream-4-across phone-landscape phone-portrait

10% off

for joining the Redbubble mailing list

Receive exclusive deals and awesome artist news and content right to your inbox. Free for your convenience.