My Little Thoughts

Everyone’s felt isolated at some point in their lives right? So whats the big deal when it happens to you? Well for a start, it just got personal, for a second, when you do feel isolated, it’s because nobody’s around you and so when somebody else is, it doesn’t affect you, and otherwise they wouldn’t be isolated? Well this one’s my turn, and the only difference is, you get to hear about it.
Now you probably won’t be affected by it, but because you’re hooked, you have no choice but to find out. For me, the sensation brought with isolation is that there is an emotional box around you, and anything except from what is making you feel isolated can pass through that box in either direction. It may be a sense of loneliness, longing or depression, but it may also be a sense of happiness that nobody else feels at that point in time, therefore you feel that the emotion you have is unique to anybody around you.
This other side of isolation may bring a surprise for some people, as the term is largely connoted with loneliness in a sad way, that you are alone and there is nobody to understand you or to help you through. However, imagine a scenario where you will be the only person around you at that point who understands how happy you are. It works on many scales, it may be a goal you have strived towards for a long period of time that you have finally reached, and only you can fully appreciate what it means to you. You may be an athlete, who has just taken the gold at the Olympics, or has captained a side to global success, because the second that medal is placed around your neck; you know that you’re the only person who has achieved what you have on that day.
For me, I have experienced both and both very recently, for a large part of the last two months I have felt isolated to the point where I was sure there was no way out. A point where the term “friend” was so flexible it had to be looked up in the dictionary like clockwork. A point where the terms “love” and “trust” was used so loosely the earth could pass through the spectrum of definitions. I lost everything. In the space of one week, my decisions and actions took away my love, friendships and a piece of family. In the space of seven days I would go on to lose contact with my mother for what would lead to be two months (and still counting); I would also learn that my younger sibling would be spending five of every seven days away at a school an hour away; I would throw away the greatest bond I have ever shared with a person through my own misguided interpretations of actions, to a point where the chance to turn back down the road was seemingly blocked; I would also lose friends, not in a sense where I completely lose contact through a petty argument that every adolescent in the country can relate to, but in a way where I would not know how or where to apply the term.
So long sentences finished with, I will expand. As a child I would be brought up under the care of grandparents, due to a mother who had been riddled with drug and alcohol abuse since the age of 14 and a father who had seemingly been hooked at playing hide and seek since finding out he had a baby in the post. Naturally, this created a distinct barrier in the mother-son relationship stakes, instead throwing a set of grandparents back into the front line to deal with all the nappies, dirty washing and teenage mood swings once again. But a depressing tale is not my aim, and I will fast forward to August 2008, when the mother figure had once again messed up and let people down. My reaction, to cut the cord that had kept us in brief contact over the previous 18 years. Whereas this may be seen as a very sad part in one’s life, I believe that I was isolated at that moment in time in the way that nobody around me knew the relief I was feeling, not happiness because no child will truly feel that, but relief was indeed top of the emotion pile.
The next day, I would learn that my 13-year-old brother, who had been passed on ADHD from his bloodline, would be the subject of a tribunal with big education boffins over terms for him to attend a psychiatric school in West Yorkshire. The twist, he didn’t know. Now I’ll be the first to admit there are large numbers of siblings who are closer than him and me, however that day was perhaps the most sympathetic I have felt for him, as he was the only family member not to know what was awaiting him. I can’t begin to imagine the thoughts that would run through my head if I was ever to find out, but I believe that they are not ones to wish upon people.
Now the typical teenage stuff. Love, and all that it holds. By the time that this memorable week in august had arrived, I was ten months into a very close relationship, one so close she has her own account on my laptop and hasn’t bothered knocking on the family door in months. That comfort is amazing, and as teenagers do, I fucked it up. There was me thinking I was better off alone, that things had become too routine, and that I needed excitement and change and all that new shiny stuff in my life.
It was like been in a field, and you have been there so long that the grass you’ve been eating starts to feel the same, and you look over the fence into the next field, and you see this tall, luscious grass, all of which is different and looks amazingly tempting to take a big bite out of. Now I spent a large amount of mental years (I see mental years as the amount of time you spend thinking in your head, because time goes so slow there, when really you’ve only been thinking for about the length of one advert on the telly) debating whether to jump the fence and dive into this gorgeous looking grass. Eventually, I took the plunge and dived over, that grass tasted good alright, but what I couldn’t see from the other side of the fence was that after a few feet, all this new grass had been burnt away. I had taken the leap, but not fully looked at what was there.
New paragraph, same topic, I just thought I’d break it up for you, I’m nice like that. Now when I’d realised that my new field wasn’t amazingly tempting anymore, I immediately tried to jump back over my fence, but somebody had made it taller, plugged up all the holes and added a load of barbed wire to the top. So I summoned all of my strength, and went through the painful task of climbing over, through the wire and somehow back into my own field. But there was a problem, some big old elephant had come along and messed up my field. I won’t go into all the details of how it became messed up – you get enough of that on corrie – but I fixed it, although it took me a long time and a lot more emotional barbed wire than one may imagine, but albeit I fixed it.
Now I believe that by using the scenario I just did to explain what was a very dark time for me, I became isolated, I believe that of those around me I am alone in the way that I described that. It was a sad time, I don’t deny that, but nonetheless it changed me as a person. Whether that be for better or worse only time may tell, however I believe that those precious days in that week will play a large bearing on my views in my adult life.
Finally, and I’ll keep it short… “friends”. I don’t want to go on and on like I possibly could do, although there are times when I thought that the term could be used like a name tag. It could be attached and removed at any point by anybody, the only catch was, I only had two or three nametags to use, and it seemed as though a lot of people were sharing the badges on a day-by-day basis. It felt crap, as I’m sure you believe but it taught me a few things. One is that it takes the world to be fighting you for you to see who your true friends are (they’re the ones stood behind you cracking their knuckles); the second is that when you do realise that you know who they are, make sure that you keep them there; and the third is a theory about people, not all of them, but there are a few out there. The best way I can describe that is in a quote from a song: “It doesn’t take much and thats messed up, because these people do a lotta simple shit to impress us.”
Now that is all I’m going to go into, but I could go on for a long time, after all, everything you’ve read happened in a week, and it was all forgotten about after another one. It sounds like a lot, but it isn’t, people have it a lot worse and all of that just makes you appreciate happy times.
Happy times… sounds interesting, I might just write about them next time.

My Little Thoughts


York, United Kingdom

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