Self Portrait of Embarrassment.

I’m the bloke who goes into the public toilets at a big shopping center, and when I go to wash my hands it’s one of those lever taps which I push to far, the water jets into the back of the basin and flies into my crutch. So when I leave it looks like I didn’t make it in time.

Or driving the bus at work to pick up some equipment I overrun the shop so I go across the highway to do a U-turn, but find I’m turning onto the freeway entrance, and am locked in all of a sudden by a cement mixer and a semi. By the time I get back to the store I’ve gone thirty kilometers out of the way, and it’s the first week they’ve started auditing the bus usage.
Or just recently while riding my bike home from work a bug flies into my shirt, I feel a hot sting in my back, and hit the panic button because I think it’s a European wasp which are capable of repeat stinging. I’m in the main street of Beaconsfield, ditching my bike, rip off my big daggy helmet, and fling my shirt off , flailing my arms in defense of any other possible sting all over my bare back. Oh dear, I give my shirt one more mad shake, and without looking around I redress myself and as inconspicuously as possible, get back on my bike before the lunatic van comes to pick me up.

But when my daughter asked me if she could take my digital camera to her friends ten year old birthday party, in that split second I was about to say you’ve got to be joking, the evil scheming part of my brain kicked in. My camera is a few years old now, and for half the price I paid then, I can get one twice as good. When I suggested earlier to my wife we could do with a new one, I met a brick wall, but if the thing is broken we’ll have to get a new one, and with the way things go for me it’s got to get broken. Sure honey, is my sinister response.
When they return from the party, I hear the camera was dropped when picked up it wouldn’t work,( I’m getting excited, )
But, says my wife a nice mother there fixed it. And don’t think I don’t know what you planned.
Since when did mothers become so technical.

Journal Comments

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