Nipples & The Devil

Well, I’m pretty sure I’ll be going south rather than north when I reach the Pearlies. I saw a pic on RB today entitled ‘Christ the Shepherd’. I was very tempted to leave a comment saying ‘Mmmm! Lamb chops!’ but declined. That kinda thing upsets people ya know. Believers tend to take themselves (and their beliefs) pretty seriously. And not only religious believers, but believers in anything. I mean, if you told a dedicated philatelist that his British Guiana 1 cent Magenta stamp was a worthless piece of shit, he’d probably shoot you. Tell a famous chef that he knows bugger all about a la carte and see what happens.

But the thing is, you dare not say a word to denigrate God. If you do, you’re a heretic, a sinner, a dissenter, an infidel, a person who should be burned at the stake. No problem with the Devil, though. He’s cool. He doesn’t give a rat’s ass what you say about him. You can call him anything you like and it’s water off a duck’s back. The Devil doesn’t have a fragile ego, he’s not tormented by ultra sensitivity and plagued by paranoia. His neck veins and eyes don’t bulge when he’s criticized or abused or ridiculed. He doesn’t seek revenge. He takes it all in his stride. The ultimate Mr Cool.

By the way, I watched a TV program the other night about nipples, and why blokes have them. Seems we’re all born female. All new fetuses fresh out of the cabbage patch are girls. After a while, the Y chromosomes and hormones get busy and make a few alterations to turn some of the girls into blokes. But essentially we’re all girls, some with different bits. Yeah?

So if you’re gay, the fact remains that you still like girls. The only difference is that the girls you happen to prefer are the ones with a few rearrangements. Make sense?

Meanwhile, the bloke who wrote the Bible got it wrong, and he got it wrong because he had a male ego, which caused him to think that he was superior to the girls. So he whipped out his chisel and wrote that God created Adam first, and then created Eve from one of Adam’s ribs. Sorry, mate, it was the other way around. God created Eve first… and is still doing the same thing today. We blokes are nothing but an afterthought – an accessory.

Mind you, it could be argued that there was no such thing as a fetus before Eve was created, which may explain why Adam was created first. But I doubt it… I don’t think that argument stacks up.

I figure it this way, ladies and genitals (what a profound term, as it turns out), the early human fetus is a hermaphrodite. But instead of remaining that way, Nature selects various individuals to wear the wobbly bits and others to accept them. Can you imagine Adam being created before Eve? What would be the point of his wobbly bits? All dressed up and nowhere to go. I mean, according to the story, the idea to create Eve didn’t occur to God until afterwards… Obviously, the bloke who wrote the Bible didn’t do his research. Not only that, he didn’t think too deeply.

Nonetheless, dear Breth, I have a feeling Saint Peter is not gonna buy my logic when I get to the head of the queue.

Nipples & The Devil

Gary Kelly

Taree, Australia

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Deliberations on a Rainy Sunday

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