“I’m not going there again,” he said
back to the mirror
there was a man
he always looked out from those eyes
pretending to be mine
pretending to care
pretending to be there
but he wasn’t.

He never was
he was always less

best; if we don’t consider
how I got here
I have to live with it
you don’t.

Yes, it’s dark here
no matter what time of day
and that’s why I like it
I come here
I brighten my world
with colour
and just the slow trickle
of the water
reminds me of my blood
it reminds me that i’m still alive.

I can hear my heartbeat
it’s steady
no thumping
or whacking
against walls
and doorways
and down that shitty staircase
that he loved best
he would push and push
and yell at me some more
digging his dirty index finger
into my chest
you’re an asshole
you’re a loser
you’ll amount to nothing
you’re just like your father
and your mother’s a whore

of course
he was always right.

So I spray these walls
I create light from the darkness
I leave my name
a symbol
and a dream
I roll cigarettes
I smoke
just like he did
and I fight the constant urge
to kill that fucker
for fucking my life
and my desire
to kill that pain
with a bang
with a pill
with a slice
and I take all of the pieces
marching around inside of my head
paint a picture of his face
I highlight it
design it
and own it
with an underline
a capital word; DEAD
and I promise myself
and the angel up on the bridge
that I will live
and I will come here again tomorrow
so that I don’t visit him
and end it all forever

no matter how much he deserves it
I will always run away.

© ryan


PJ Ryan

Melbourne, Australia

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