Middle Age Is Like Underwear….. It Creeps Up On You .

My stitches have been removed so I’m off out with the camera again tomorrow. I don’t watch a great deal of T.V. so it’s been quite a novel few days catching up with all the news.
They were playing swing on the TV. last night, seems it’s coming back into fashion. At last young people have realised that it’s quite cool to hold on to your partner when you dance. I remember it well. As a child of the sixties I would love to dance but always struggled with the ritual of asking a girl . Yet you knew that this was to be the time when you would meet the one………… THE very special one who was going to set your life on fire. THE one who you were going to spend the rest of your days with…… or at least tonight. Well, you didn’t want to go home on your own. Then the Twist came along and ruined everything. Not long after that I took off to New Zealand .. Straight from the swinging sixties. There was the music, the fashion, the scene, the swinging sixties of London!! Two days later I was in Auckland. I thought I was still tripping!!!
It’s all a blur now. Where did all that time go? Now I’m ‘middle aged’….. a time when if your clothes don’t fit it’s you that needs the alteration.!! A time when you wake up in the morning and start thinking in a moment of insane and irrational optimism that in a week or two you’ll be feeling as good as ever!!! It’s not true.
I was at a dinner party recently and someone asked ” Do you remember the first time you had sex?”………. I can’t remember the last!! My body is changing shape, I can’t hold my stomach in anymore, all my glands are swollen up………except the one that’s designed to!!! I never used to worry about getting old because I never knew any old people called Terry. What happens ? Does the day suddenly arrive when you have to change your name to Albert? I suppose you don’t worry about anything until you think you might lose it. Thank God I haven’t started losing my hair. That’s got to be the worst the hair, wouldn’t you think? You can go to the gym and work off some extra weight if you’re out of condition but how do you work off a bald head?
I get caught between a healthy body and a healthy bank balance. Which one do I concentrate on . I ask my friends and they’re no help. Their message is the same………‘Money isn’t everything’
They say “As long as you’re happy!” they say…..“Oh… oh, he might be a famous rock star with forty eight million dollars in the bank living in a 15 bedroom mansion overlooking the ocean and married to a beautiful woman half his age ….. But…… is he happy?? Does a dog shit is my standard answer. My old dad (God bless him.) he used to say” You can’t take it with you”… I can’t afford to go!.. I’ve been paying into an account that allows me to retire at sixty on 1800 a month . I just found out they mean calories!!…. They say …”money isn’t everything, as long as you’ve got your health!”
My friends say to me “why don’t you go to the gym, it’ll help you focus, help you sort your life out” I went to India to sort my life out, didn’t do me any good. I came back just the same except four stone lighter. The food in India is like ‘the magic porridge pot’.. one portion of curry in this end ….fifteen portions out the other. You could not fit the contents of my arse inside Dr Who’s Tardis.
They say “you should go to the gym and get a work out” My local gym has a notice at the entrance saying ..‘under no circumstances is this gym available for workout till 5am…………. 5AM! At that time of the morning I can’t work out how to open my eyes!! In my teens I always assumed there would be a golden period .. After the spots cleared up and before my hair started turning white. I’m already past my physical peak. It’s like the summer seems to have only just begun when you realise that the nights are already drawing in. Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellp!!!

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