How very unique is the way we speak

How Unique is the way we speak.

I don’t know which I love more! This country or the people. Both

The thing that I love about ourselves is that we say things and mean the opposite. “You know what I mean?”

“It is as cold as hell!” What? We have to use an oxymoron most of the time. or perhaps as some people seem to think that each of us are in fact an oxymoron without the oxy. Nonetheless, ware are unique. Yes unique in the way we speak.

I once saw Terry Thomas live in Sydney and he made a hideous claim

“The English language is the most beautifully simple language in the world.

Take for example the word ‘knife.’ The Italians call it a ‘cotello.’ The Spanish call it a ‘coccio’ the Germans a “messa.” But the English in their simplicity simply call it a knife. Why?

Because that is exactly what the bloody thing is.”

No, that does not happen out here because Australians call a spade a shovel.

HOW VERY UNIQUE IS THE WAY WE SPEAK.

I am so glad I live in this country – Australia,

With such fascinating words like ablutions and genitalia.

The Queen’s English – twisted in colourful regalia.

I don’t simply change out of my clothes,

“I have to don on” jeans, thongs and head to the pub for a beer

Just listen to the people talking – just people from round ‘ere.

Where does it all come from? This colourful slang.

Words like “penny bungers” that go off with a bang.

In my day when you asked a girl, “do you go off?”

You had better duck because she would knock your block off.

In cricket when you get knocked out for a duck,

The crowd would “spew” and they yell

“you make me want to chuck.”

Chucking the ball is just “not on”

but isn’t “not on” when you are sent off?

The crowd yell “that is a bit off,” for that sounds all wrong,

You can’t be a “bit off” when you are “right on.”

In this language there are no “ifs” or “buts”

You get “punched in the guts” or “kicked in the nuts”

Back to those penny bungers they called “crackers”

The same as being “kicked in the nuts” is being

“kicked in the knackers.”

You just don’t hear goods words like that anymore.

Just like the word “piddle.”

It is so sad that they are starting to disappear

and one day will be gone forever,

But that is how life is; it changes like the bloody weather.

Life is like an ice cream.

You have to lick it before it drips all over you.

Down at the pub which is really the “rubbidy dub dub”

Your mates say “Do you want a beer?”

Then add, “while you are there getting one for you,

then get me one too.”

You get on the grog with your mates

who are really your “china plates.”

Talking about plates, what about dinner?

“ I am late, gotta get home to the “cheese and kisses”

I am in the shit again, I know.

I’ll buy her some roses on the way home.

“That never misses.”

She says “I think you have a drinking problem.”

“No way” I say. “I don’t have a problem.

“I drink, I get drunk, I fall down – no problem.”

or she asks

“What is the idea of coming home half drunk?”

Thinking you can get her to smile and you say something funny,

“Because my dear, I ran out of money.”

You have a mate with red hair, you must call him “Blue.”

and everyone else with red hair, you call them that too.
I
haven’t seen him for a while, I think he “shot through.”

Somehow it doesn’t sound right – some sort of joke,

When you don’t know someone’s name you just say

“G’day bloke.”

Everyone is a “good bloke” when they give you a “smoke.”

A lady is not a lady – she is a “sheila” or a “chick.”

If she marries a police detective, she has married a “Dick.”

A faggot is a “horse’s hoof” that you keep at bay.

In the old days when we were happy, they said we were “gay.”

You can’t say that nowadays or you will surely pay.

Back the “cheese and kisses” who is also the “old cheese.”

If he plays hard to get you say she is a “tease.”

Then after a night on the town and a night of loven,

The next month she says she has got a “bun in the oven.”

A “bun” is a baby and the “oven” is the womb

We’ll need bigger “digs” now. We’ll have to add another room.

“Digs” is a strange for it is not only the place where you stay.

Ask if they “dig” if you want to know if they understand.

and of course when you dig with a shovel

you get blisters on your hand.

When you “snuff it” it means you are dead,

and taking off you hat is not “giving head.”

How about when you are “broke” you are out of bread.

When you are broke, you can’t buy a “smoke.”You may as well be dead.“broke” was when something didn’t work but no, “it is bung.”

“Doesn’t work” you say? He wouldn’t work in an iron lung.

A hangover is a Ferris wheel going around in your head and

the cages keep banging on the sides.

Now you would rather be dead than alive.

“I won’t go to work today; I will give it a miss.”

No wonder you are “crook?”

It was certainly a big night “on the piss.”

The missus keeps screaming,

“I don’t know how you can drink that stuff if it makes you sick

when it makes you cranky and all “blue”

“Do you think I like the stuff?

Do you see what I have to go through?

Yes. Another day and a night on the “grog,”

Most of next day is spent in the “bog.”

That brings me to another word I always thought funny,

A “bog” is not a “bog” it is really a “dunny.”

You come home, she is doing the ironing – ironing her bra.

“What are you ironing that for?

You have nothing to put in them?” you sigh.

She looks up and answers back

“I ironed your underpants. Didn’t I?”

If you are Italian or Greek, you are a “chocolate frog.”

When you are sick, you are “as crook as a dog.”

How can a dog be “crook” for a “crook” is a thief that takes.

Oh no siree Bob. “Crook” is when you have been “on the piss”

and you now have the “shakes.”

The young ones now smoke that funny stuff they call “grass.”

Smoking grass? What they need is a “kick in the arse”

It’s a good stone man and I am doing no-one any harm,

They are taking a trip and never leaving then farm.

That somehow sounds a little “dodgy.”

In our time if we were different. You were a “bodgie.”

The Queen’s stamp has her head on it for better or worse

If her bum was on there would anyone lick the reverse?

Around here a “bum” is a person down on his luck,

Say a kind word about your foreman and they say “you suck.”

I thought sucking was what you did to a lolly,

Then again, people have always said I was a “bit of a wally.”

Wally is a term of endearment for the name Walter,

and when you car “goes like a charm” you cannot “fault her.”

There is another expression I have always felt a bit uncanny,

If a woman is lazy she “sits on her fanny”

If she does nothing all day her responsibility is diminished,

“If she does nothing all day

then how does she know when she has finished?”

Ladies of leisure are referred to as Madams,

They too seem to sit all day and do “sweet fanny Adams.”

When you “toss in the towel” the “farm you sell”

It is wet and snowing and it is as “cold as hell.”

How can hell be cold with all that fire and heat,

You “bring home the bacon” so you have something to eat.

If you lose all the time you “can’t take a trick.”

When you don’t understand, you are “as thick as a brick.”

Oh the confusion!

An Australian is not an Australian, he is really an “Aussie,”

An irritating mosquito is really a “mozzie.”

Someone from Asia is not Asian, they are really a “slope.”

Anyone who is not Australian has to be a “real dope”

but dope is also that funny weed you smoke.

When something bad happens you say “strike me lucky.”

Fall in love and get married they say “he’s gone clucky.”

When you read something you are having a “Captain Cook.”

The cranky old lady next door is a “silly old chook.”

If you are tired and “give up the ghost” you “toss in the towel,”

Someone passes wind you say “Gees that is foul”

I thought a fowl was really a feathered “chook.”

“I really don’t know but something is “making me crook.”

If you ride a motor cycle, you are called a “bikie.”

To show amazement you must say “crikey.”

You go on strike you are “out on the grass.”

If you get retrenched you are “out on your arse.”

You mates say “Did you get the bullet? Shit that is a bit rough.”

That’s when you find out you are doing it tough.

What a national word is that word “shit.”

Try as you may, there is not getting away from it.

You are “in it” or smoke it, or eat it, or having one.

It is something that is there every single day,

You get into the dance for shit when you don’t pay.

How about those days of the good old dance

You were always trying to get into some chick’s pants.

You take her home and stop in then dark and park,

Pashing away, you say

“How about getting into the back” which was the thing to do,

She says “No I would rather stay her with you.”

There are thousands of these – far too many to mention

Like going in “the can” to do your detention.

When you reach one hundred you have “made a ton.”

Thanks for reading.

I am still confused. “I am done.”

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