Filling the void

Sometimes we choose to create a void in our lives, sometimes it’s unavoidable (no pun intended) .. I feel as though there has been a rather large void for the past six months.. There is obviously a physical one, having just moved overseas, however I feel as though i have been standing on the edge of a high cliff.. looking out across a deep valley shrouded in mist. The sun is shining in my eyes so brightly that I can’t see what is on the other side. There are moments where I catch a glimpse. I throw stones, paper aeroplanes and other shrapnel trying to win back what is behind the sun.. but it’s only making it go further away, and hurting my eyes in the process from squinting so hard.
I think I tried so hard because I know it’s nice to be in the sun, to feel its warm embrace.
But not even once have I stopped straining my eyes towards the sun to look back behind me, away from the valley. The other day I did that. I had spent an hour or so throwing things, yelling out, swearing across the valley, and then all of a sudden I just realised I should turn around.
And I did.
I can see so much clearer now. The sun is no longer in my eyes but warming on my back. I can actually see what is ahead of me. It’s not a valley, although I’m not exactly sure what form the terrain takes, but that’s ok. At least it’s not a struggle now.
I don’t know why it has taken me six months to turn around, despite the other changes in my life, I never even thought of it. I was clinging too much to the other side of the valley.
I can hear soft voices drifting across the valley, one voice in particular, but I don’t depend on it for strength anymore.
I know if occasionally I need to call out across the valley I can, but I don’t need to rely on it.
So I stand, looking ahead of me now, instead of behind. The sun warms my back, a smile warms my face. I can’t see anyone beside me, or in front.. although there are glimpses .. but I can’t rush these things.
My feet are on even ground.. and although there are a few bumps I can see ahead, that’s ok, it really is.
The sun is warming, while the cool breeze from the rising mist reminds me where I’ve been and energises me for what is yet to come.
The tree will stay behind me forever now. I do not need the shelter from her branches anymore. Nor do I need to pull of her leaves and tear at her bark. I have hurt her enough.

Journal Comments

  • Siam Sam
  • fillette