I Can Make You Confident

Confidence is self-belief. Confidence is having an inner feeling of certainty of who you are and what you’re doing.

Confidence is the beliefs you have about YOU.

Self-confidence is the removal of self-doubt.

Confidence in yourself involves being true to who you are, following your heart and living your life by your standards only.

When you have confidence you set goals relevant to your life and you move towards them with determination and drive. When you’re confident you take responsibility for your life and experience and trust that you can handle anything life throws at you. In your heart, whatever happens you know you’re okay, and that life is a learning curve that weaves a colourful tapestry of experience that you can look back on and smile.

Without self-belief we tend to blame others for the way we are feeling – who hasn’t blamed their boss for making their life a misery at work or their intimate partner for not making them happy. When we blame others or ourselves we give away the power we have to be in control of our emotions. This can mean that when that person is kind to us we feel secure and happy and if they’re in a bad mood or unkind, we respond with irritation or resentment. Also when we blame ourselves we make ourselves wrong which creates inner conflict.

The more we strive to control others in order to feel good about ourselves the more out of control and stressed we become. Our energy levels become depleted. This can lead to a viscous circle of stress, blame and unhappiness.

We have the ability to be responsible for how we feel, we choose to feel what we feel, no one else is responsible for our happiness, sadness, anger, only us. This can be a challenge to accept as it puts the full responsibility of our experience of life with us. However it can also be a powerful life-changing concept. Through acknowledging that the only person we can change is ourselves, we can affect change in others, our relationships and our environment. Awareness of this can make an incredible difference to our lives.

Confidence is abstract like love. We refer to it as a feeling. “If I felt confident then I’d….” What many people don’t know is that confidence is something we can choose to feel. Unfortunately, we tend to use our past experiences as a measure of what to choose in the present. When we do this in the area of feeling confident, we set ourselves up to stay stuck because our belief is based on not having confidence and the consequences experienced in the past. In order to set the confidence game up so we can win, we need to have the belief that we may not have felt confident in the past and today is another day. A day, where we can create the feeling of confidence in everything we do. You have the ability to create a past full of experiences where you overcame your fears of not being confident and gradually gained more and more of it. You just have to start by behaving differently NOW. How you performed in the past is not important, the past is history after all. What is important is how you are performing now, as it’s this that is determining your future.

Confidence is a skill that can be learnt; it’s a series of behaviours, an attitude to the self, others and the environment. The knowledge of how to feel confident can only be gained through practical experience in the particular area where you want confidence so it’s important to gain experience in whatever that is.

Ask yourself what would be the first step? If you couldn’t fail what would you do?

When we lack confidence we have either lost or never experienced belief in our self, our abilities and our purpose. People have a tendency to generalise about their lack of confidence believing that not being confident in one area of their life means they don’t have any confidence at all.

My experience is that everyone has confidence in one or more aspects of their life. For example, people feel confident at eating to sustain their bodies, walking, combing their hair and brushing their teeth. Often people forget the things they do unconsciously, however it’s where we have lots of experience of feeling confident.

Do this exercise:

List all the things you do every day without thinking, from the moment you wake up, to the moment you fall sleep. e.g. waking up, getting out of bed etc.

You are able to do these things without thinking because you have gained confidence in them.

Where most people get stuck is that they want to know everything up front before making a start. Life doesn’t work that way. We only find out how something works once we are doing it. The actual experience of doing something is where the knowledge and confidence is achieved.

For example, we all learnt to walk and we all fell over. Some of us didn’t sit back down and say in baby talk “No way, I haven’t got the confidence, I’m not a confident person so I won’t be able to do it”. We were encouraged that it was okay to fall over that it would be easier next time, and it was, and eventually we learned to walk. With the experience came self-belief and with that, the feeling of confidence.

The same scenario goes for learning to ride our first bike or learning to swim. There are some people who have never learnt to ride or swim and they may have thought they weren’t confident enough to do it. The truth is, it takes one step followed by another, and so on, to break through the negative beliefs we have about ourselves. In order to build our feelings of confidence through new empowering beliefs, we need to notice what we do confidently, expand our comfort zone by taking one step at a time, and put ourselves in environments where we will experience something different. To achieve a different outcome or behaviour you have to make a change in yourself and your actions. The rewards are incredible.

While we are alive there will always be challenges and opportunities to grow as people. If we’re not growing then we’re just surviving or dying! Identifying with the idea we’re not like the people who are confident and successful, limits us greatly and in fact is a story we tell ourselves unconsciously. You are not your behaviours, attitudes and thoughts you are much more than that. By changing your behaviours, attitudes and thoughts you can become the person you want to be.

As a coach I share what I’ve discovered about the power of self-belief and how to overcome and negotiate the barriers and obstacles we all encounter. I have much more awareness of my own potential for success and I know that if you believe in yourself and take action steps towards your dreams, you can connect with your full potential and achieve anything you want.

Exercises to Build Your Self-Confidence: -

  • Remember a time when you tried something and it didn’t work out as you’d planned; remember how you criticised yourself. What did you say?
  • If the same scenario happened to a close family member who you love, what supportive encouraging words would you use?
  • Now, put yourself in the scenario but this time use the encouraging, supportive words in a caring tone.

Notice how this changes how you feel about the scenario and yourself. Practice using this supportive and encouraging voice! It’s like going to the gym to build or tone muscles, the more you do it the stronger you’ll get and the quicker you’ll feel happier and more accepting of yourself.

I Can Make You Confident

Fay Hartwell

Joined August 2008

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