Picking at the brain

Warning: This will most likely bore the hell out of you. This is more for me than anyone else. But if you’re really that bored, feel free to continue.

I’ve come to realize a few things since I’ve been back in Washington.

a. Having my feelings and emotions tied down inside to try and deal with alone is the cause of a lot of my anxiety.
b. I enjoy helping others when they’re willing to accept it.
c. There are a lot of things that draw me to Washington. There’s probably more frustrations that tend to push me away.

I’ve never really been a person to rely on others to help me with my thoughts or problems. In fact, I truly believed that I couldn’t trust anyone else with my feelings. This isn’t that macho “you’re a pussy if you cry” shit, more of a concern that anyone I open up to will end up just using my own problems against me. I’ve seen it time and time again growing up and it’s probably inevitable…however, it’s really not healthy for anyone to bottle up their feelings like that.
Over the past 2 years I just had more and more problems building up and I became more pessimistic and angry because of it. I snapped at people trying to help me and tried to avoid those that made perfect, logical sense. Why? So I would be alone to wallow in my own misery, left to pick myself apart in what seemed to be the safest way to vent.
It wasn’t until I got back to Washington that I realized I couldn’t handle that kind of frustration anymore. I didn’t want to hurt those that cared about me so I tried to be as honest as I could be about how I felt. That’s really not an easy thing to do for someone that once relied solely on himself for emotional support. Trying to convey thoughts can be easily disrupted, usually by the continuous search for the right words to say due to the fear of being shutdown, rejected, or laughed at.
Most of my first attempts at opening up were slow and painful. I spent a lot of time being frustrated with looking for the right way to explain my thoughts. It was a very small improvement from saying nothing at all, but saying just a few words helped to alleviate some of the pressure. So, I improved little by little and it’s helped me a lot…I’m not as stressed out as before, I’m not so irritable all the time and my friends aren’t afraid to ask me if there’s something wrong. I really do encourage anyone that’s having a hard time to share it with someone that’s willing to listen.

Several years ago I used to help a lot of people out emotionally. Anytime one of my friends had a problem or concern, they usually talked to me about it and I gave the best advice I could for the time being. I had actually stopped doing that when I moved to California because I pretty much abandoned anyone I knew up here. I’ll admit the break has been nice, but now I’m back to assisting people when I can.
So far, I’ve lent my thoughts to several people already. I really enjoy the feeling when I see a person turning from upset and hopeless to reasonable and determined. It’s not that I’m telling someone “you have to do a and b in order to get your life on track,” more like I’m helping a person see the information he needs to make the right decision for himself. My ear is always open, but I can only help a person that’s ready and willing to help himself.

I love Washington state. The forests, lakes, and mountains are beautiful. I could sit and watch the ocean or the Puget sound for hours while I gather myself and put thoughts in order. The music scene is amazing here. It really is one of the few places where I actually feel at home. However, as much as I enjoy being here, I’ve been compelled to try and move away on 2 different occasions.
One thing I absolutely can’t stand about Washington is the ridiculous amount of bullshit and drama from people. It seems that most people I’ve known here will only talk to a person if they have a need which has to be filled. When that deed is accomplished, you have a high chance of being thrown aside like unwanted trash. It is really hard to find good natured, down to earth people, but maybe I’m just looking in the wrong places.
Chances are, I’ll probably move away again once I’m not needed anymore by my close family. The only reason I came back was to help my mom and sister with the kids and rent, there were very few people I missed up here and I know even less that missed me.

I can’t blame anyone for the way I feel but myself. I know there’s still plenty more I would like to change. I want to get back to being completely optimistic, no matter what’s at stake. One step at a time. :)

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