fall apart

Todd I need you…
I have told you before but I need you bad…
I have tried survival without you…
It isn’t life… it is a cheap imitation of some type of suckers life.
I am never happy.
I can never shake this shadow off me…
I need you so much…
I don’t think that you believe me.
I don’t think that you’re listening when I tell you how much you mean to me.
I think you don’t want to believe it because you think so little of your self.
But there is the truth.
You are so important to me I would give up anything to be with you.
Even for those few hours that we use to get.
We use to think that they weren’t enough time… that we didn’t see each other enough.
But now. Now that I see less of you… I realise that actually that was enough.
I could survive with just that. Less even
As long as I knew that we were together.
You seem to think that I’m something I’m not.

That I can survive anything that is thrown at me.
But in all honesty.

I am failing.
Falling fast,
Life without you is no life at all…
I find that I need to put my mask on thicker.
The cracks show through so much more.
The fact of the matter is that I can’t keep the disguise up.
It is so much harder to put eyeliner on while crying.
I know that that doesn’t mean much to you.
But don’t you see.
My eyeliner, my makeup it is all apart of my mask.
I cannot leave the safety of my house without makeup.
It is my disguise.
The way in which I face everyone.
But now… the makeup has to be thicker…
It cannot be the same as before… It does not do the job of hiding my failure.
Failure. That’s what I am.
I always knew it.
It’s something that I have had to live with my entire life.
But you know what… I could deal with it… as long as I had your support.
Now I feel like I’m on my own.
Like as if there is no one else.
Like I have been abandoned.
Left to face the world and the unknown.
The unknown. That has always been my greatest fear.
I was going to step out with you, into the unknown. I was willing.
As long as you were there with me.
But now… everything seems to be unknown.
Everything is too hard to deal with.
I can’t take it.
I couldn’t even keep a promise to you.
I had to break the promise.
I broke it for three little cuts.
They were so necessary that I broke a promise.
I hate breaking promises…
I need to be able to have those promises.
I just don’t know what to do with my self any more.
I just don’t know.
I hate that the most I think.
The fact that I have no idea what to do.
I was going to jump of the balcony just for kicks last night.
I would of. But of course Keren had to ruin everything again.
Fuck her, fuck everyone.
Life is useless…
I can’t be with you. I can’t do anything to get out and away.
I’m stuck here.
And I can’t get away.
This is just too much.
I want to end it all just so that it would go away.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Why do I suck at this life thing so much?
I always had the strength for you and me.
But now… I don’t know if I have the strength for me.
But any strength I have. I give to you.
You need it more.
You deserve it more.
I love you so much.
I just wish that you saying that I have your love were enough…
Have I become so selfish that I don’t think that that is enough?
Why not?
You say that there is barley anything else after that.
But somehow I feel that that it isn’t enough. That I want all of you.
I don’t want to share you.
Not with some whore. Not with looser friends that you have.
I want to call you mine, and know that that is all you are.
I hate my self for it.
I wanted us to be causal. I wanted you to fell that you could be yourself. That there were no expectations.
That everything you did was ok. That it was good enough.
But you say that you tried all along. That you were trying so hard. That you never felt good enough.
So I failed in that.
I failed to be the person that you would be your self around.
Why not?
Where did I go wrong?
How did you get the impression that who you are wasn’t good enough?
What did I do? What did I say to give you that impression?
I take it back what ever it was,
I never wanted you to feel that you had to live up to something.
I told you so many times that I loved you for who you were. Not for something that you weren’t
But here I am having another blab. I just can’t help it now days.
My mind goes a thousand miles an hour all the time. I’m just so tired all the time. But I cannot sleep. I cannot sleep not until I have drawn that evil blood. The blood that needs to be removed.
Why does it have to be like this?
Kate reckons I should delete your number. Not see you down the street. But she is asking me for the impossible. I cannot just stop all contact with you. I cannot, will not.
I can’t do it… I need you so much.
It may not be the way it was, it may not be the way I want it.
But I. I am happy with anything you are willing to give me.
If those depressing conversations and those Wednesday afternoons all I’m going to get then I will take them.
There is not way that I will ever say no to you.
About anything.
Except perhaps, if you asked me to stop loving you.
But even then.
I may just say so, then still love you. I cannot help it.
My love for you is everything to me.
Ask of me anything.
Except to stop loving you.
You may not think that you deserve my love. But you have it.
You may not think that my love is worthy.
I don not mind, because my love for you will never change.
I listen to songs. And they all seem to bring me back to you.
I just sit and think. And all I can think of is you.
I dream. And it is of you, or of death… Either way they are always so good to have.
I am a fuck up.
I need to be locked up.
I need to be diagnosed with something.
But no I don’t want to be labelled with some disease. With some illness.
I don’t want to be medicated.
But then again. I want to stop feeling. I want to be numb for a while.
But then, will that block my love for you?
That is the only thing keeping me going.
I do not want to block that out. I would suffer the worst moods, feelings. As long as I have your love. As long as I am able to feel that I can live.
If you can call this living.

fall apart

exposedbutloved

Canberra, Australia

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Artist's Description

my head is spinnning

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