Dear God

I believe in the possibility of miracles, so I write this letter to you, dear God, explaining all about me and what I have realised, they have nothing to do with you.

Many years ago I prayed for a miracle to happen, when my little sister got sick – she got cancer at the innocent age of nine. My mother sat me down one day to tell me she was going to die and I didn’t want to believe her, “Kids don’t get cancer” I said naively at the age of eleven. I prayed to God that night and many more to follow to please let her live, I even begged him to take me instead. I was told the more I prayed the more He would listen, the more chance I had of my miracle happening. Who told me these things? People who said miracles had happened to them. So I still kept praying and offering myself instead and she just kept getting sicker. What was I doing wrong? I prayed every morning and every night, and sometimes in between. Well what did all that praying get me? Nothing! She died anyway and God did not get forgiven, as I was only eleven I figured God should have listened.

As time went on further from God I grew, every time I prayed it seemed like nothing ever happened. He did not answer my prayers. I kept asking “What more do you want from me? I do what people say I should to show you how much I love and believe in you and still you do not seem to listen.” I would think to myself I am kind, considerate, and caring of people. I do not sleep around or harm people. I do not steal, I go to church regularly, donate money to my parish to show support in the work these people do for spreading your word. I asked myself often “How come he won’t grant me one small thing?”

Then a few more years down the track I got told I was looking too hard and if I stepped back the miracles I would soon see. So I didn’t go to church as regularly, but still did all the other things you would have expected of me and still miracles I did not see.

Then I made a new friend, she along with her husband truly believed in the word of the Gospel and the power of your son Jesus, and you yourself. Deep in conversation one day we began discussing the idea of miracles, she believed that the Lord Jesus Christ could perform miracles and she felt she had been blessed by his touch. Curiosity got the better of me. I asked her how she had been ‘touched’ as I did not believe miracles could be performed by you as I no longer believed. She told me her story of rebelling against her faith that eventually led her down a path of prostitution and drugs I asked “What miracle did God perform for you, if he really loved you he would never have allowed you to go down this path in the first place?” She sat and thought for a bit, her response surprised me. “I don’t know” she said “What it was that I saw but He came to me one night in a dream and suddenly I had the strength to rise above the life I currently lead”. She didn’t give me the answer I wanted, because I wanted to know what he actually did – her answer was not clear it didn’t tell me the action of what God actually did! I then asked her “If he came to you in a dream and opened your mind and heart to him again, how come He won’t do that for me?” Her answer was deafening silence. We never revisited that conversation again and I still haven’t got my answer.

Each day I prayed, each day I asked for a sign, just a small sign that would tell me you were hearing me. I still haven’t got one, I am still waiting.

So this letter to you, oh wonderful God, is to let you know I have discovered my miracle and that is that my miracle, is me. I have done all these things for you but now I know that wasn’t true. I did them for me because it is who I am. Who I am has allowed me to be a wonderful mother, accept others no matter what they do, complete a Masters degree just for me. It has allowed me to be an honest and compassionate wife, it has allowed me to be me. Everyday I get up and out of bed, smile at my children, thankful that I have two fantastic children that I gave birth to and a step son who loves me like I was his natural mother. My step daughter I love too but not because of any gift given by you. I have married a man who has eyes only see me and understands every part of my being – this is not because of you it is because I am me.

So I finish this letter with a thank you, my reflection on whether I loved you, has enabled me to see and finally believe, the possibility of miracles is as true as can be. I just need to look in the mirror to see, the miracle is me.

Yours sincerely
Felicity.

Dear God

eraserlynch

Maida Vale, Australia

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