Eds&co: I SPY

CHARACTERS & GUEST STARS

Eds. Oft Married, often disillusioned, but eternally optimistic socialite.
&companion. Eds’ invaluable PA and companion.
Jacques. Eds’ charming and loyal butler / chauffeur.

Special Guest Stars this episode:
Yoko Ono: as Eds’ interior designer
Noah Taylor: as creepy serial killer type

*

ESTABLISHING SHOT: Villa in Juan Les Pins.

Cut to balcony of the Villa. Eds&co are, once again, hungover, with dark glasses on and Berocca fizzing away in glasses in front of them.

Co: I’m so BORED.

Eds: You’re always bored.

Co: I know. Is that pretentious?

Eds: A little.

(Pause. Co sighs ostentatiously.)

Eds: I spy with my little …

Co: Ah Ah Ah. Stop stop STOP. I REFUSE to play I spy with you Eds! We are stylish sophisticated socialites and we do NOT play I spy.

Eds: Well what do you wanna do? Come on. What?

Co: I dunno.

Eds: Wanna go to Monte Carlo and play our lucky roulette table?

Co: Nahhh.

Eds: How about Paris for an afternoon shopping?

Co: Nah. We’ve done Paris.

Eds: Budapest?

Co: Nup.

Eds: Minsk?

Co: Nup.

Eds: What about …

Co: NUP.

Eds: But I didn’t …

Co: NUP.

Eds: Bu …

Co: NUP.

Eds: Jeeeeez! You’re a dismissive little shit sometimes. I don’t hear you coming up with any ideas.

Co (with a cheeky look at Eds): Well, there was that invitation to Yoko Ono’s new exhibition opening.

Eds: Not bloody likely! Not after what she did to our dining room.

(Flashback to Eds&co’s dining room after Yoko Ono had done a redecoration job on it. It is a stark white room with a huge Perspex table with different cuts of meat and pieces of animal in the legs and table – ie: pigs snouts and trotters and cow tails and chicken beaks. Eds&co are sitting at the table trying to eat their dinner – both dry retching and gagging continually but putting a brave face on it as it is after all ART.)

Eds: I’ve already paid her for a bedroom suite and a couple of tallboys but I’ve got my lawyers drafting an injunction as we speak. She’s not going to turn my entire villa into a bloody Perspex abattoir.

Still bored, Co gets up and strolls over to the edge of the balcony. Looks down at the milling people below – wistfully.

Co: I wonder what they’re all doing.

Eds: Who?

Co: Those … people down there?

Eds: The hoards? I don’t know. Do we care?

Co: Maybe they’re all doing interesting useful things with their lives …

Eds: I doubt it.

Co: If only we knew.

Co turns around with a light in his eyes. He has an idea. The idea, it transpires, is to stalk someone for the whole day. To live vicariously and for the thrill of seeing if they can do it. Eds, of course, says they may as well give it a go.

*

Kitchen. Jacques is sitting in a bib apron peeling potatoes. There are a mass of peelings at his feet and a galvanized iron bath filled with disrobed potatoes.

Eds: Jacques – what are you doing?

Jacques: Peeling potatoes Maam.

Eds: I can see that. But why?

Jacques: Last night Maam. At 4am you phoned me and told me to go out this morning and buy 80 odd pounds of potatoes. That you were going to distill your own vodka and, errr, corner the market, I believe you said.

Eds: Oh. Did I?

Co: What a brilliant idea!

Eds: Mmm? Oh yes. Yes of course it is. I know.

Co: Those damn Russkies have had it their own way for far too long. Fair make the toe of my boot itch they do.

Jacques: Was there anything else, Maam?

Eds: Well, no, not really. It’s just that we were planning on doing a bit of random stalking this morning. But as you’re not free I suppose we could drive ourselves. Carry on Jacques.

Jacques: Very good, Maam.

Eds&co exit.

*

Cut to the garage. An elevator door dings open and disgorges Eds&co. There are about fifteen different cars lined up in front of them. Eds walks past them all, dismissing them all as no good for stalking. Then she gets an idea. Goes to a massive key board and finds a key marked: ‘Prototype XU508’.

Co: What’s that?

Eds: It’s a little project Ralph’s been working on.

Co: Ralph?

Eds: He’s an inventor friend of mine. (Cut to scene with mad scientist type slaving away over beakers of smoking stuff.) I’m patron of his lab and I try out his inventions for him now and again. (She holds up a cigarette shaped packet.)

Co: What is it?

Eds: A stealth car, Darling.

Eds puts the cigarette packet sized box on the floor and pressed a button on the keyring. Keyring goes ‘boop boop’ and the cigarette packet transforms into a sleekly designed black stealth car, with a solar panel on the roof.

*

Cut to street. Co is driving the stealth car scanning the footpaths for potential stalkees. Eds, with an unlit cigarette in her lips is searching the consol for a cigarette lighter. Presses a button – car’s number plates revolve. Presses another button – car disgorges tacks on the road behind them.

Co (pointing to pedestrian): Oooo. Oo. There’s a likely looking one.

Eds turns to see a groovy looking person walking along the footpath. Agrees this is as good a place to start as any. But then sees the person going into Ikea.

Eds: Forget it. I’m not stalking anyone who shops at Ikea.

Co drives on. Eds continues trying to find the cigarette lighter. Presses another button – car becomes invisible.

Eds: Where’s the fuckin cigarette lighter in this thing?

Co lights her cigarette for her with a Bic. She inhales and looks out the window – she sees their reflection in the shop windows – the two of them just sitting there zooming along in an invisible car.

Eds: Co …………………..

Co: Don’t interrupt me while I’m driving, Love. It’s a stick shift.

Eds: Co ………………………. I think we’re invisible.

Co looks over into the reflection. Is impressed.

Co: Cooool

Quick scene with Eds&co in their invisible car, with arms on invisible doors as if the windows are down and they are cruising along – with loud doof doof music playing.

Co (pointing at another pedestrian): Ooo oo. What about that one?

Eds: Nah.

Co: What’s wrong with him? Nice arse.

Eds: Can’t we stalk someone going into Kozminskis?

Cut to outside Kozminskis. Co is parallel parking the invisible car.

Eds: This is a loading zone, Love. We don’t want to leave the car here.

Co: Eds! It’s INVISIBLE.

Eds: Oh yeah.

She gets out of the car and they go to go into Kozminskis. Co reminds her about her gum. She spits it out in the gutter a’la Pretty Woman.

Cut to inside Kozminskis. Co enters in stalker mode, ie: does a drop and roll entry, holding his fingers as if they are a gun. Eds just saunters in after him looking at jewellery. Co nods towards a customer then edges along past display cases towards his chosen stalkee.

Shop Assistant (to Eds): Can I help you Maam?

Co: Shhh.

Eds (who has seen something in the display case she likes): Do you have that bracelet there in white gold?

Co rolls eyes and drops gun-fingers.

Cut to later. Eds&co exit shop – Eds has multiple bags.

Co goes to the edge of the road and, waving hands back and forwards, finds the car and unlocks it. They get in and take off – Eds&co sitting in mid air, with the Kozminskis bags floating behind them as if in the back seat.

Co (darkly): Let’s try somewhere else.

Eds (penitently): OK.

*

Cut to dingy old XXX bookshop in the grungy end of town. Co again parallel parks the invisible stealth car.

Co: We should be able to find someone stalk-worthy around here.

Eds: Ooo ooo. I spy with my little eye … a potential serial killer.

Co: Where where where?

Shot of Noah Taylor as potential serial killer exiting XXX shop with brown paper package. Eds&co once more begin their stalker thing – Co is drop’n’rolling along the footpath with finger-gun again. Eds is just strolling along behind him, window shopping in all the XXX bookshops and pawn brokers. In this manner they follow Noah Taylor through the dingy landscape. Eventually he goes into Bunnings. Buys a hacksaw, chainsaw, and other knives and so on. Eds&co’s eyes light up. They are excited but also shitting themselves just a bit.

Next scene they are following him in the invisible car, but as the sun goes behind a cloud the car sort of stalls and stops. Then as the sun comes out the car shoots forward at speed.

Co: Fuckin renewable energy.

Just then Noah Taylor arrives at his home. A dingy little apartment block. Eds&co decide it’s time for a stakeout. They see an abandoned warehouse across the street and break into it, stepping over hobos and the like in the process. (Scuse me, pardon me, scuse me, pardon me.) Set up binocs in a room where they can see Noah Taylor in his third floor flat across the street.

Eds: What’s he doing now?

Co (at binoculars): Cooking fish fingers.

Eds: He’s NOT! (Pause.) What’s he doing now?

Co: He’s still cooking his fish fingers.

Eds: Oh my GOD! He’s NOT! (Pause.) What’s he doing now?

Co: Eds, do you think maybe you could order us some takeaway? This is probably gunna take a while.

Eds: I’m on it. (She flips open her mobile phone.)

*

Later, Co sees through binoculars three vans with Silver Service Catering on the side pull up. In a moment men barge in and begin setting up about six tables and setting them with silver service. Then bringing in trays and platters and champagne etc.

Co: Was all this really necessary?

But Eds, it transpires, has ordered for about 15. To include the homeless and squatters in the abandoned warehouse. Then, as homeless and squatters start coming in Eds shifts into Hostess with the Mostest mode and moves forward.

Eds: How lovely of you to come. And what a charming outfit. Please do sit down.

Shot with a grand silver service dinner for about 15 going on in the upstairs of the abandoned warehouse, with string quartet and four formally dressed waiters etc.

Cut to later. Eds&co are back at the binoculars.

Eds: Has he finished with his fish fingers yet.

Co: Ummmm. Hang on. Hang on. I can’t quite see.

We see shot of the binocular vision searching the flats across the way. The kitchen is now empty. Finally they focus on the bathroom window. We see Noah Taylor in there with the chainsaw going ‘mrroooooowww’ and mowing into something out of sight. Blood spurts up on the wall. Co moves back from the binoculars totally white with fear.

Eds: Waaaaa?

She takes Co’s spot at the binocs. Sees Noah in bathroom now hacking into something with a hatchet. Blood spurting up on the bathroom wall. Eds moves back – also white with fear. Co looks again. This time Noah is juggling about 6 knives and cleavers. Eds looks again. This time Noah is swallowing a sword.

Co: Shit!

Eds: Shit shit shit.

Co: Phone the police! Quick.

Eds fumbles with her phone but the battery is flat after all the phone calls to organize the catering.

Co: Shit shit shit.

Co goes back to the binoculars. But now there is no one in the bathroom.

Co: Shit! He’s not there.

Eds: Oooo ooo ooo (hopping from foot to foot as if terrified or needing the loo – or both) Let’s get out of here.

They scramble on a slippery rug that just suddenly happens to be there under their feet and finally run out of shot.

Cut to down on the street. Eds&co are stepping along the deserted street in slow motion waving their arms about in front of them.

Co (hissed whisper): Whose bright idea was this bloody stealth car anyway?

Eds: What are we gunna doooooooo? I’m trapped here with a serial killer over the road and an invisible car we can’t find and a mobile phone with a dead battery. Why is this always happening to meee-eeee-eeeee????

Suddenly a little yellow Mazda 121 comes down the deserted street. Eds&co dive behind a wheelie bin – one of those little mini ones. The car parks in front of flats. Their heads pop up to look at who is getting out.

Co: Hey, isn’t that …

Eds: Yoko bloody Ono! I mighta known.

See shot of Yoko running from the car into Noah Taylor’s flats.

Co: What’s she doing here?

Eds (striding out from behind wheelie bin): Who cares? I’ve got a few things to say to her about pigs trotters.

Eds rushes into the building. Co follows.

Cut to upstairs. Eds rushes into Noah Taylor’s flat. Co skids in behind and bumps into her. They are faced by a bloody and crazy looking Noah Taylor wearing Freddy Krueger style knife gloves.

Eds&co: ArRRRGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Yoko steps up beside Noah.

Yoko: Oh hi Eds. So you couldn’t wait huh? I think you’ll be pleased with what we’ve come up with.

They both step aside to reveal a bedroom suite, entertainment unit, 2 tallboys, a coffee table and pouff – all made out of Perspex encasing bloody animal parts.

Eds&co: ArRRRGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

*

Back down on the street. Eds is breathing into a paper bag. Co is patting her back. Eds discards paper bag and lights up a fag. Yoko exits the building and jumps into her yellow Mazda 121 with a jaunty wave, then takes off.

Eds: Weirdo. Let’s get out of here.

They both look from side to side as they realize their predicament re: the invisible car. Just then there is a huge crashing crunching sound. Cut to shot of Yoko’s car with big smashed up dented front – she has apparently rear-ended the stealth car.

Co: Ah! There we are. Shall we?

They walk casually over towards the scene of the accident.

*

The terrace of the villa. Eds&co lounging on banana lounges. Jacques enters from stage left with a tray with two martinis.

Eds: I spy with my little eye something beginning with M.

Co (with glee): Martinis!!!

They each take one. Cheers each other and take a swig. Then spit it out in sync.

Eds&co: Eeeuuuwwww. Potato!

CREDITS

Eds&co: I SPY

Eds & co

Joined January 2009

  • Artist
    Notes

Artist's Description

TV GUIDE: “Eds&co decide on a bit of random stalking in their invisible stealth car, but a serial killer and Yoko Ono have other ideas.”

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