Portraits In Solitude III

Portraits In Solitude III

Is there anybody out there? My name is Suzie, and I’m anorexic. I’ll tell you now, you can’t change me, so it’s useless trying. This is my tenth year of chucking up stuff and generally not eating. Only I nearly died the other day. People say to me, ‘do you want to die, because you’re killing yourself’. I don’t know if they’re meaning to be helpful…but I nearly died the other day, again. I’ve nearly died before you see, ‘cause I’ve taken to drinking, so I won’t eat. I drink Vodka ‘cause it works the best. I get paralytic and try to make all the world go away. I hate the world. Actually it hates me and I’m sick of it.

My friend Kate, she’s the only friend who still thinks about me, she is really good. I mean as good as an anorexic could expect. She says, so long as people keep trying to psycho-analyse me and tell me how to live my life, I’ll never get better, and she’s right. She says it’s got to come from the inside. That my personal hell and demons are just that, mine. And no Doctor bastard can figure that out. I mean you think they’d’have figured that out by now. They’ve tied me to a bed and stuck tubes up my nose and down the back of my throat to force feed me when my weight was ‘dangerously low’. I’ve been in de-tox with security guards so I can’t even take a leak without company. And the questions! Sometimes I think I should read the answers into a dictaphone and play it back for everyone of them. ‘Cause they’re all the same, and I know what they want to hear and what’ll have me committed. I’ve been committed twelve times now. It’s all the same. You just get out and do it again only this time you know more tricks ‘cause you’ve met people on the inside who can teach you stuff.

Sometimes Kate asks me if I know what went wrong. Sort of cause and effect theories I guess, but it’s not that simple. My uncle didn’t screw around with me when I was a kid or anything like that. It’s my fault; this is how I want to be. This makes me happy, cause I’m fat and ugly. When we were in school together, that’s Kate and me, we used to have this INXS song called, “Never tear us apart”. Anyway, it had this line in it which said, ‘and they will never tear us apart’…but I guess they have. When I see her, she’s all healthy and she puts her arms around me and we sing ABBA songs together. And then I cry. And Kate doesn’t care, she just gives me a hug and sometimes she says, ‘don’t worry Suzie, they’ll never tear us apart’. Did you hear Micheal Hutchence was dead?

So yeah, I’m really lonely. Especially at two o’clock in the morning when I can’t sleep. My teeth have all rotted away from smoking and vomiting up gastric juices. I can’t really go to the toilet properly cause my bowels are all stuffed up from using suppositories and diuretics. They say I’ll never be able to have children ‘cause my bones are too weak, especially my spine, and that if I did, I’d probably die. So what’s new? My liver keeps packing in cause I keep drinking and Mum has to rush me to de-tox when I’m unconscious. I’ve woken up in hospital more times than you’ve had hot dinners.

Okay, so I nearly died again. It’s a bit frightening but you get over it.

Portraits In Solitude III

Joanna Beilby

East Bentleigh, Australia

  • Artist

Artist's Description


desktop tablet-landscape content-width tablet-portrait workstream-4-across phone-landscape phone-portrait
desktop tablet-landscape content-width tablet-portrait workstream-4-across phone-landscape phone-portrait

10% off

for joining the Redbubble mailing list

Receive exclusive deals and awesome artist news and content right to your inbox. Free for your convenience.