Cherish

More oft than not I find myself here again. Wondering. Dying. Lonely. Loneliness. Its so hard to cope with this, these feelings of wanting and can’t have want. I can’t want what I want because what I want is already taken, wanted, cherished by someone else. My stories and my ramblings go on and on about us, ourselves, the others. But why must why keep trying to find myself in the others? What Am I? I seem to be questioning this a lot lately. Which comes as surprising because I think I know what I already Am. Thus, I don’t really know if thats the question I want answered. Maybe. Maybe it is: What do I want? What do I need? What do I need?
I need some freaking love man. get rid of these emotions, of these lies, of these setbacks, disappointments, of these broken pieces of shards that scattered throughout my past years. Truly we have become someone different, I not even knowing how. wherein we were so dumb, stupid, unaware of what was going on, now I find myself in the center of all the most of what I wanted and I cannot get what I want!
Companionship, love, hug me this time and say it will be alright. Just this once you try to hold me, try to care, for just this once i need to be the frail one. I have to confess all I have, All I feel, All I should feel. All i cannot feel. All the pain I been wrought upon. All the battles of the unknown I have come across. This is another, but I’m losing it so hard this time. I get up, I walk amongst the pain, through the broken parts of my being, just so a better tomorrow may arrive. But It hasn’t! It just piles. Seamless emotions that shadow the true things I need, the true wantings I want. Give it please. Let me cry out all I need to cry, to unsuffer these chains and get loose of these shackle of broken loves.
I am so Big yet lately I feel oh so small, so tiny in the figures that I must accompany.
Right now, what I have needed was fulfilled, but life is tricky and I only really got what I wanted, carnal desire, to be lusted by someone. yet the love I once placed upon another human being has been torned a bit and now walks along a pier of shaky boards, above a sea that threatens to roar and swallow whole a happiness once felt. What has happened to this being? This person that once was joyous, so full of stupidity and naiveness, of the plays and talks he had. He became broken, lost in the tears of the first earthquake that is a broken heart. a Broken soul. A shatter of worlds that die out when you loose all that was once beloved. All that you once believed in. All that I had once desired, All that once I knew I would always found. I lied to myself for so long. I no longer feel happiness, I just ease out the numbness. I just appease the feeling of the wrought pain and cover up the holes that rip me apart everyday before sleep. Thats the worst of times. Before my going into the other side I cry for myself in my mind. For all that could have been if only I had made other choices.
This person took years of my life. Leeched me into all I have to offer. In return I have not gained not even by half of what I gave. I was never fully responded. I was never fully devoted by her. WHY! Why did I maintain this to be a known happy thing? Was it because of her happiness? Was I trying to repair something more broken than me? Guess what? Now I can’t repair the repairs I made. It is different. All is. I maintained a relationship because I thought It would bring me something I had not ever had before. But it didn’t. it hasn’t brought me naught but pain and long hours of doubts, worryness, of fixing problems and TRYING TO DECIDE YOUR LIFE FOR YOU. I DONT WANT ANY MORE OF THAT. IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE A SHARED THING, NOT ME DOING ALL FOR YOU, CARRYING ALL FOR YOU, MAKING DECISIONS FOR YOU! I WANT TO BE MYSELF AND FOCUS ON WHO I AM TOO. I WANT PEACE OF MIND. I WANT A BIT OF SILENCE.
DONT SHOUT AT ME, I HAVE NEVER ONCE MEANT TO SHOUT BACK. YET YOU DROVE ME TO THESE LIMITS. YOU SURPASSED MY UNFATHOMABLE WELLS OF PATIENCE. YOU BROKE ALL MY PEACE OF MIND AND ENDED UP MAKING ME A MONSTER, A VOW BREAKER, A HUMAN THAT WAS NOT MEANT TO EXIST! I am still here though..
I shall never erase my presence from this world by full knowledge of my decisions. I will not end myself. I still have a tiny light in this holesome of darkness.
I need someone to open my door to the light again. I need help, this is too much for me to carry out alone. The world is unfair, I feel so tiny under all the worries and all the mistakes. I want to break free!
But so there is also her. The other one. The one who hasnt texted me back tonight. But I know why and knowing this makes me oh so sad as well.
I feasted upon her body. I shared much with her and she too with me. Yet the most important thing I want to share and give again has already been given to her by someone else. Another human being already craves for her and loves her. Already seeks her attention and loves her. He loves her. And she loves him. I now know it truly true. They do. I need not understand why. I need not try to comprehend what makes a love go strong. All i need to now is that it exists. And that I will never replace someone else. I won’t too. I would feel so villain-like. I wish not to rob you of the one you love. I only wish you to be happy.
You may not know, but you changed me and gave me much of the changes I needed to be made in my head. An upstart to decisions that had to be made. A bunch of acknowledgements that had to have been made a long while time ago. They just didn’t. The other one was not helping. She was busy taking, not giving.
But thus I stay again in a field of emptiness. Those who want all loose all? All I want is to be happy and that has not yet come.
Like I said so earlier, these shackles must break. And I need to free myself from this pain. How? When? Why? I don’t know all the answers. I’m glad I don’t either.
I think if theres anything I’m glad of is that I now have this awareness. Better to be like this than to miss out on all that happens.
Go now, in sadness and in pain. Go sink yourself in the palace of melodies and songs. Protect yourself and grow my dear being. Bye. Stay happy. fuck you.

Cherish

devels

Rio De Mouro, Portugal

  • Artist
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Artist's Description

Decisions are sometimes hard to come by, and in the despair of a night we mustmake them.

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